Marriage

All posts tagged Marriage

I’m still trying to figure it all out.

Published March 21, 2018 by Malia

I was going to write this whole post about how frustrated I am that I can’t maintain a “normal” body temperature, and constantly run on the cold end of the thermometer. However, I was boring myself as I was writing it. Which means all you lovely people would be equally bored. So, I’m gonna set that post aside for awhile. It’s kind of funny, but it’s taking too long to get to the funny.

Instead, I’m going to take a moment to assure the world at large that as of right now I am NOT pregnant, and not adopting either. Maybe someday. Apparently, a previous post from a few weeks ago was a bit misleading, since I mentioned that there were some changes ahead in my life. Said changes are more of the “I’m trying to figure out what I want ro be when I grow up” variety.

There’s this thing about being married. You have to take the other person’s needs and wants into account. This isn’t always the easiest, especially when I spent the first twenty-nine years of my life being very single, and my choices really only affected me. Having the flu and then bronchitis and now bronchitis again (it’s not officially been diagnosed this time, but this is not my first bronchitis rodeo) has provided me with a ridiculous amount of time to think. There are things that I know the boy would like of me (his top love language is Acts of Service). They aren’t difficult things, and certainly nothing that is wrong of him to expect and want. I’ve come to realize that those things are far more important to me than so many other things. I know I’m being a bit cryptic, but that’s cause things are still kind of in flux. I just know that I want to be a good wife (especially since he’s such an amazing husband). I want to have the boy want to come home at the end of the week. I want to get healthy.

And my chest is really hurting, so maybe I should go to the doctor and get this bronchitis officially diagnosed…

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Stormy Weather

Published July 7, 2016 by Malia

The clock just chimed four, and I’ve been wide awake since 2:30.  I counted 10 Mississippis between the most recent brilliant flash of lightening & the roll of thunder that followed.

 The boy is sleeping deeply beside me.  He’s completely exhausted.  In a few short hours he’ll be awake and gone; a 14-16 hour work day ahead of him.  These are the times I’m glad I don’t currently have a job, because if I did, I wouldn’t see him at all.  

I’m so tired and anxious.  I hate the Metformin.  I get that it’s supposed to help my health, but it also amplifies all my negative emotions and thoughts.  It makes everything feel so scary and overwhelming.  I hate it.  

More lightening.  7 Mississippis that time.  Storm’s getting closer.  

He was a GREAT-Uncle

Published December 31, 2013 by Malia

Brain: You need to put on socks.

Me: Why?

Brain: Because you don’t want your feet to be cold and your toes to get frostbit.

Me:  Is it really that important?

Brain: Yes.  You have to wear shoes to work, and you need socks if you’re going to wear shoes.

Me: Oh.

Brain: Also, don’t forget your lunch.

Well, I remembered the socks and forgot my lunch.  1 out of 2 ain’t bad considering how today went.

My Uncle Mike passed away kind of suddenly this morning, shortly before I went to work.  We’re all still kind of in shock here, hence me actually questioning the wearing of socks.

Uncle Mike was a pretty amazing guy.  He was incredibly smart, and really seemed to love life.  He was my great-uncle, but he was almost like another grandpa to me.  He was very kind to me, and even as I got older he still showed that he cared about me.

When I was little I would get to see him once a year.  We would come home to Nebraska for two weeks during the summer, and he and Aunt Donna would usually kid-sit me one of the nights we were home.  I loved them and their home.  Uncle Mike had a vintage Pong machine that he would hook up for me so I could play.  It was my first encounter with a videogame console, and I was a bit hooked.

At the end of those visits, he would usually slip me a twenty, which-to a kid with no money-was a pretty big deal.

When I was in high school, we were visiting him one night, and he was talking about this foreign exchange student they had hosted years earlier, and how he had told the kid that if they ever got married, he would be at the wedding.  He then turned to me and promised me that when I got married he would be there.  It was funny, because I didn’t even think about it until today while I was at work.  It was so hard when Grampa died because I knew he would never get to attend my wedding (should that magical day ever happen), and now both Grampa and Uncle Mike won’t be there.

When I was in school training to be a vet tech, I was taking Pharmacology.  Uncle Mike was a pharmacist, and he ended up working for the State of Nebraska.  (I’m not sure what he did exactly, but I know that if you were a pharmacist who was not behaving properly, my uncle was the last person you wanted to see walk into your pharmacy).  Pharmo wasn’t an easy class for me, and most of the time I felt that if I had to memorize one more drug that had a name ending in “-myicin/micin” I was going to scream.  When I got through the class, and passed.  Uncle Mike told my Gramma (his sister) to tell me that not only was he proud of me, but also to remember that if something wasn’t hard, it wasn’t worth doing.  This is probably some of the most meaningful advice an adult has ever given me.

So, as 2013 closes, I say good-bye to my uncle, and wish you all a happy and safe New Year’s.

Random Saturday Musings

Published March 9, 2013 by Malia

Oz: The Great and Powerful opened this weekend, and so far all reports I’ve heard from friends are in the positive.  I am anxiously awaiting my turn to see it!

-I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what brings two people together and makes them consider marriage.  I’ve known people who got married simply because they thought the other person had a cute butt (also, looking back, I think there may have been alcohol involved in their decision as well).  What amazed me was that these people were confused as to why they didn’t have a great marriage.  Then, there’s people who marry someone who seems like their perfect counterpart, and things either go brilliantly, or fall apart so terribly it makes others question whether marriage is really that great of an idea.  After watching The Mirror Has Two Faces again (for the umpteenth time) last week, I have to agree with the idea of marrying your very best friend.  I know this isn’t a new thought on planet Earth.  That’s how it should be.  You should marry someone who knows you better than anyone else.  Someone who knows why you do the strange, quirky things you do, and finds it all endearing.  Now, I have no magical idea that marriage is a happy-happy fun time wonderland.  In fact, I know just from observation that it’s ridiculously hard.  It’s tons of work.  Why would you want to try to tackle that with someone who isn’t your best friend, and doesn’t really know you that well?

-Realizing that my weight truly is something I’m using as a defense, I’m making moves forward (somewhat drastic moves, for me at least) to deal with it.  I find myself, sometimes several times a day, having to tell those memories of hurt, “You have no power over me!”  It’s all very Labyrinth.  It’s true, though.  Just because something happened doesn’t mean that it has any right to control who I am or what I do.  Yes, everything that happens serves to shape the person we become, but to live in fear and bondage and pain isn’t okay.

-Every time I watch Thor I come back with the same two questions.  Spoiler-ish alert.  1.  How is it that Thor manages to return to Earth in Avengers?  The end of Thor kind of left him stuck at Asgard.  Is Thor 2 going to solve this?  2.  Why are people such big fans of Loki?  Sure, he’s a great bad guy, but I’m a little weirded out by how girls seem so drawn to him.  He’s malicious and greasy.  Also, the way he toys with those around him is kind of emotionally abusive.

-Daylight Savings Time.  Not really looking forward to it, but am awfully glad there’ll be an extra hour of daylight each evening.

-I solved the issue of fans being mad that–Spoiler Alert!–Matthew was left the way he was at the end of Downton‘s most recent season. At the beginning of next season, he should suddenly regenerate into David Tennant, and we find out that he’s actually The Doctor.  Also, I would love to see the Maggie Smith character as a companion!

 

I don’t care, but maybe I do?

Published December 7, 2012 by Malia

I’m going home this weekend for one night.  There is actually a logical explanation for why I’m going to make a 1,000 mile round trip in approximately 34 hours.  Suffice it to say, it’s a good thing I’m going, even though it’s for one night, because it’ll allow me to take a load of belongings home.

Home.

What a mixture of emotions that thought conjures up.

I’m both excited and terrified of going.  I have such wonderful pipe dream plans of things I hope to accomplish, and yet I find myself obsessing over the fact that I’m going home with no job.  Yes, there are a few places that have indicated interest in possibly employing me (which is more than I had the last time I was unemployed), but there’s such a terror in the unknown.

I keep telling myself that I’m a strong young woman, and I don’t care a fig what everyone else thinks.  This is progress.  Even though a small part of me does care, I’ve at least reached a point where I can say out loud “I don’t care” and 99% mean it.  I think no matter how much we don’t care, secretly we all somewhat have that 1% of desire for approval from others.

I am truly looking forward to seeing my “niece” more than once every 4 months.  Babies grow fast.  I always knew that, but it’s really hitting home with me now that I have this little girl in my life.  She’s so precious, and I just melt when I’m around her.  That’s never really happened for me before with a baby.  I grew up an only child, and babies just weren’t a big part of my life.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve shied away from being around babies.  I think this is mainly due to the fact that when I see a baby, it hurts something deep inside.  It’s this reminder that much as I desire to be a wife and mother (not because I’m wishing I was a 50’s housewife, but because I want to love and nurture), to this point those are things I’ve been denied.  I’ve avoided babies trying to protect myself, and it’s not just babies.

I’ve come to realize that in the last 10 years I’ve built up quite the wall around my heart.  The building has been slow going.  At first, whenever something hurt, or I was rejected, I’d put in another brick.  Then, I began ending things before they could hurt me, which meant there were more bricks being placed around my heart.  I did try, a few times, to take a chance on various things, but all ended in disaster, and  I went from using bricks to welding a metal shield around my heart.  When I was home at Thanksgiving, and I saw baby girl, I realized just how much I’ve sealed my heart off.

I’m going to try, very hard, to remove the shield, and undo the bricks.  I don’t want to be a heartless old hag.  I want to love and be loved.  I want to be able to love and accept myself, even with the laundry list of faults I know I have.  I’m not going to be perfect at it, but I’m going give it my best, and that’s all I can hope to do.