(You can find me on Snapchat as memary84.)
(You can find me on Snapchat as memary84.)
(I’ve been having a really bad anxiety attack tonight. The following are all things I’m thinking and feeling.)
The anxiety is bad tonight.
I’m wide awake, but I’m so exhausted.
My heart is pounding.
My chest is tight.
Breathing is taking concentration.
My head is tight and painful.
Why won’t my thoughts stop racing?
I can’t even tell you what’s racing through my mimd, it’s just a jumbled mess.
I feel like I’m shaking, but I’m not.
I’m so nauseous.
I feel like the air is closing in around me.
It’s too hot.
It’s too cold.
My clothes are heavy and it hurts.
I’m very aware of my fingernails.
I’m super thirsty.
There’s too much noise, but the house is quiet.
I can hear the blood rushing past my ears.
Why is it so loud?
I’m scared to turn off the lights.
The anxiety is really bad tonight.
(Fair warning, I’m on flu meds and even though I’ve proof-read this post, I can’t guarantee that it’s free of glaring spelling or grammar errors. I also can’t guarantee that it makes much sense. Right now I think it makes sense, but in a few days when I’m less medicated, I may discover that it’s not.)
I’ve been sleeping. A lot. In between bouts of sleeping comes rounds of nightmare coughing and knitting. I’m trying to stay as still and quiet as possible. When I’m awake I’ve been watching old tv shows that I know well enough it doesn’t matter if I fall asleep watching them. Solid plan, right?
I’ve discovered a flaw in my plan. I made the mistake of deciding to put on Gravity Falls. I love Gravity Falls, and it’s a pretty entertaining show to be watching while hopped up on flu meds. The problem? Gravity Falls’ theme song is also my phone’s ringtone. So, when I fall asleep mid-episode, (and if I’m not deeply asleep yet) I’m jolted awake when the next episode starts. I start blindly grasping for my phone, and then am super confused when my phone shows that I have no call coming in. It then takes my brain a few seconds to put two and two together.
So, if you get the flu (and I really recommend that you don’t), make sure you either don’t fall asleep with the tv on, or at least pick something that doesn’t play your ringtone every 23 minutes.
Reason for no posts lately? I have the flu. It hit insanely fast last Thursday morning, and I’ve been sleeping through Netflix since.
The worst part? I’ve actually been a relatively good patient the last several days, and yesterday I really thought I was finally through the worst. I took the boy to work this morning, and as the day has progressed I feel like it’s doubling back on me. So, I’m going to try to get some sleep so I can try to get through my shift at work tomorrow.
Also, don’t get the flu. It sucks.
I’m in a quandary.
If you’ve been here over the last month, you know that I’m starting the process of bringing my blood sugar down and getting my diabetes back into the realm of “Controlled.”
I’m making sure I’m taking my meds religiously (even though they make me feel like crap 24/7). Since January 8th, I’ve not had one sugar reading over 200. I’m seeming to stay between 120-140. I know there’s room for improvement, but considering that I was consistently in the 220-240 range a little over a month ago, I’m happy to be where I am.
Not only am I supposed to be lowering my blood sugar numbers, I’m also supposed to be losing weight.
And that’s not happening.
I’m stuck. I’ll lose 5 pounds, and then those five pounds immediately come back. And then I’ll lose them again, just to find them back a few days later. It’s a frustrating, brutal cycle.
I’m stressing out so much about the weight not cooperating (and stress is really, just about the best thing for blood sugar numbers…not!). I’ve only got until the end of March to show improvement, or I’m facing insulin.
I don’t want to go on insulin! It’s not even something I can afford to think about having to do.
So, that’s my quandary. How do I get the weight to come off and stop coming back? It’s not like this is a new challenge, either. I’ve been fighting this losing weight battle for so long now, I’m at my wit’s end.
A few weeks ago, a friend texted me this:
When I met this friend, a year ago, I had no idea she’d become my infertility/pcos bestie. Up until she entered my life, my friends could be divided into the following categories:
1. Pregnant (or will become pregnant very soon). Also, probably, has at least two kids already.
2. No kids, and no desire for kids.
3. No kids, and not trying, but will probably have a gaggle sometime in the near future.
As you can see, there’s no category for “No kids, and the baby making parts are refusing to do their job.” The category that I belong in. Weirdly, until this woman entered my life, I had no idea how much I needed a friend who fit in that category with me.
Because, here’s the thing. We all need someone who understands where we are in life and can honestly attest to the fact that the struggle sucks. Being alone in a struggle is one of the worst, most lonely places to find yourself. I love having a friend that can commiserate with me over the fact that daily tracking of cervical mucus is super boring when it NEVER bothers to exist. (My chart is one of the most unexciting you’ll ever see.) And as much as I love the pregnant people in my life, and am excited that they get to be parents; there are times that the pain and frustration of feeling broken, because my body doesn’t work right, needs to be vented.
I give the boy credit, he’s so loving and supportive, and has never once told me I’m broken. But, he doesn’t truly know how I feel. My friend does.
She’s been trying for years and years longer than I have. She’s been through a journey that I’ve just barely begun to have a taste of.
So, if you are going through the infertility battle and you don’t have anyone that understands, please know that I do. I get it. You’re not alone.