Exhausted

All posts tagged Exhausted

Let’s redo the floor ourselves, we said. It’ll be fun, we said.

Published May 30, 2018 by Malia

I am not skilled when it comes to any kind of house or auto maintenance. Fortunately, I married someone who is.

Years ago, when we got married, we discussed eventually redoing the living room. There was a pointless wall, and awful carpet. The goal was to remove the wall, pull up the carpet, and lay tile. We’ve never had much money, so this whole plan fell into the category of “Someday.”

Then came the Saturday, early last fall. We had gone to the ReStore (think thrift store meets Menards). We needed a doorknob, and as we wandered through the store we stumbled across our dream tile. The tile we’d spent years planning to place in the living room. Not only did they have the tile, they had enough for us to be able to redo the living room, and maybe even one of the bedrooms. Even better? We could actually afford to buy it.

We made several trips with my father-in-law’s pick-up, and brought the tile to our garage. It would spend the next few months sitting there, collecting dust. During Thanksgiving weekend, the wall came down. Then we ripped up the carpet.

The furniture all got moved to the dining room and the basement. The piano moved into the kitchen.

The boy’s job takes him out of town for 3-5 days every week. The only time he’s typically home is on the weekend. His job is exhausting, so by the time he gets home he has little energy to do anything. Which means progress on the floor has been slow.

Six months of this has been a bit wearing. Fortunately, though, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. We spent all of Memorial Day weekend grouting. I can best describe it as feeling like we’re icing a cake we’ll be looking at for the next 15-20 years.

The grouting isn’t perfect. There’s so many mistakes, you can definitely tell it was a diy project. There’s one spot that’s so bad, we spent hours trying to fix it, and eventually agreed that we’re going to put furniture over it and never move said furniture.

I’ve taken numerous showers, and am still covered in a layer of grime that I fear will never come off unless I figure out how to shed my skin like a snake.

The cuts, the dirt, the sore muscles, and the exhaustion are all worth it. We’re going to have a beautiful living room. It won’t be perfect, but neither are we. I wouldn’t feel at home if it were perfect.

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Good-bye flu. Hello anxiety attack.

Published February 19, 2018 by Malia

(I’ve been having a really bad anxiety attack tonight. The following are all things I’m thinking and feeling.)

The anxiety is bad tonight.

I’m wide awake, but I’m so exhausted.

My heart is pounding.

My chest is tight.

Breathing is taking concentration.

My head is tight and painful.

Why won’t my thoughts stop racing?

I can’t even tell you what’s racing through my mimd, it’s just a jumbled mess.

I feel like I’m shaking, but I’m not.

I’m so nauseous.

I feel like the air is closing in around me.

It’s too hot.

It’s too cold.

My clothes are heavy and it hurts.

I’m very aware of my fingernails.

I’m super thirsty.

There’s too much noise, but the house is quiet.

I can hear the blood rushing past my ears.

Why is it so loud?

Sound hurts.

Light hurts.

I’m scared to turn off the lights.

The anxiety is really bad tonight.

Here I Go Again

Published October 9, 2017 by Malia

When I started this blog in 2012, it was because the year before I had moved 500 miles away from home to North Dakota. It was my way of letting people back home know I was okay, and hadn’t completely lost my mind. See, if you move to North Dakota, and claim that you actually love it there, people 500 miles away who dislike the frigid north, tend to wonder about your sanity.

I did love North Dakota, which came a complete surprise to me. I was running away from home, because the last years of my life had been mostly a giant pile of dog poo. Sometimes it was literal dog poo, but I digress. North Dakota was the only safe place available to me to run away to, so I ran.

I moved home from North Dakota at the end of 2012, and tried to keep writing regularly. Over the last few years, I got married, tried being a stay at home wife, went back to work, filled the house with pets, and tried to figure out what the mystery pain in my tummy is. Over the last three years I haven’t written much. In fact, lately I’ve not written at all.

I need to start writing again. See, life has continued on, even though I’ve been less forthcoming as of late. Life has been exhausting, sometimes scary, sometimes frustrating, and mostly overwhelming.

So, for better or worse I return to here. I feel the need to try to make sense of the overwhelming and to share cute puppy pictures while I’m at it.

Say “Hi” to Gracie, my 11 year old puppy!

The Return of the Lab Hobbit

Published April 2, 2017 by Malia

I went back to work in February.  I’m not sure I was really ready to go back to work, but our bank account was having a really negative attitude, so it seemed like the best option.  Funny thing, the people that send us bills really like when we pay those bills…

I’m back in a lab, a place I was afraid I’d never get to go back to.  Not only that, but I’m in a hospital lab.  I’ve spent years wishing I could be in a hospital lab, and now I am.  I’m feeling quite a bit happier than I have in a long while.  I actually want to go to work, which is always a positive.  As I’m starting my third month there, I find I’m still feeling a little overwhelmed by everything, but my coworkers are the best, and they’re always available to help me through the little hiccups and the big nightmares.

The boy and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary in March.  And by “celebrated,” I mean he woke up two minutes before I left for work, and that was the only time we saw each other that day (he didn’t get home from work until the wee hours of the morning the next day).  I’m hoping that by next year we’ll actually get to celebrate both Valentine’s Day and our anniversary (this year’s Valentine’s Day disaster is worthy of it’s own post).  While celebrating may not have happened, I can honestly say that I am so incredibly blessed to have the boy by my side.  We’re not perfect spouses, we both screw up on a regular basis (me, far more than him) but we do the best we can.  The first two years of marriage have been really difficult.  I’ve cried more in the last year, than I have in my entire life.  It’s been exhausting, overwhelming, and even scary.  However, I think it’s actually drawn us closer together, having to go through this.  I know it’s brought me closer to God (that’s another post, as well).

And now, I’m going to sign off for the night, because tomorrow is going to be here very soon and I can’t afford to sleep through my alarm again (that’s definitely another post.  I’m sensing a theme…).

Lab Coats Are Cool

Published January 10, 2013 by Malia

I’ve come to the conclusion that wearing a lab coat automatically makes anything you’re doing 10% cooler.  It even makes doing gross chores cool (at least, that’s what I tell myself so that I keep a smile on my face and my attitude cheerful).

I can’t believe that I’ve almost made it through the entire week.  I’m completely exhausted, but it’s a good kind of exhausted.  I feel a bit like I did when I was growing up and starting at a new school every few years.  I am the new kid, and I’m just kind of trying to figure out how to fit in to the group.  Most of the people I work with seem to know each other really well, and I’m just working hard and observing.  I’m trying to read the people I’m around.  Trying to get a feel for how they think, what makes them laugh, what to avoid talking about.  I’m really hoping the new kid feeling wears off quickly.