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All posts for the month April, 2021

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

Published April 30, 2021 by Malia

This has been a day.

A few weeks back, Tom went in for a physical, and during the visit, the doctor decided she wanted him to get an abdominal ultrasound. Last Friday, he went in for one, and when he got home he told me that he needed to go back in a few hours to get a CT scan done. There was a dark spot that had shown up on his kidney, and the doctor wanted additional imaging done.

Later last Friday, after the CT scan, he was notified that he needed to see a urologist. When they performed the scan, they used contrast and found that the spot on his kidney was receiving blood.

This started one of the longest weeks of my life. I found myself hoping that whatever it was would turn put to be nothing. Just a weird artifact. The worst part, though, was simply not knowing what we were dealing with and what the next step would be.

One small thing, before I go further. When Tom explained to me what was on the scan, he said it was a “dark spot.” This did not translate in my brain the way I think he thought it did. Hence my hope that it was just a weird artifact. However, this is actually what showed up. Guess which kidney is the one in question…

If I had seen this last week I probably would’ve been far more worried than I spent this week feeling.

He has a tumor. A giant tumor. The urologist said that cancer can’t be officially diagnosed until they can actually take a look at the tumor and kidney. That said, according to the urologist so far this appears to be consistent with kidney cancer. Because the tumor is so large they are going to use the surgical robot and remove his entire kidney on May 13th.

When I was sitting on the phone, listening to Tom meet with the urologist (I had permission, since due to Covid precautions I was unable to be there in person), it was a very surreal experience. Initially, when I heard we were most likely looking at cancer, part of me wanted to return to bed, crawl under the covers, and cry. But that was only a part of me, and turns out it was a small part.

Mostly, I feel relieved. No, cancer is not what I wanted to be the diagnosis. No, I don’t want Tom to lose a kidney. So, how can I feel relieved?

1. Tom has two kidneys. And while one is basically filled with a tumor, the other is a healthy kidney.

2. According to the urologist, based on the imaging, the tumor is solely contained in that one kidney. Nothing has spread to other organs.

3. As of right now, post surgery Tom isn’t looking at chemo, radiation, or other long term meds. He’ll have regular checkups over the next 5 years, but that’s it.

4. Knowing is better than hanging out in limbo. I’m grateful we know what we’re most likely dealing with, and that we have a plan for the next month.

I don’t know what the next five years hold. And after this week, I’m reminded, yet again, that I don’t even know what the next day/weeks/months hold. So, the best I can do is continue to hold onto my faith and be grateful for every single second I get with Tom.

The important thing is that I got out of bed.

Published April 29, 2021 by Malia

I don’t have much in me today. It’s definitely one of those days where my biggest accomplishments are that I got out of bed, put on pants, and ate breakfast. Instead of writing today, I’m going to put up cute pictures of my dog.

Enjoy

Look at her little tongue while she was sleeping! Just the cutest 😍
“I am a Jedi, like my father before me.”
Groot in her crime boss mode. She likes wandering around holding her chew like it’s a cigar.

Your secrets are safe with me, because I’ll forget them.

Published April 28, 2021 by Malia

One of the truly “delightful” parts of having an ADHD brain, is that my memory is deteriorating. I’ll be completely candid, I may have shared some of this before, but I have no recollection of doing so. My apologies if this is a repeat.

I started noticing it in high school. Of course, I had no clue I had ADHD at that point, so I just assumed I was getting dumber. I mostly noticed the problem when I took tests. No matter how much I studied, I could never remember most of what I needed to know. Plus, anxiety meant I just froze and did terrible. However, I was able to keep my grades up with my homework, and so it never really was an issue.

Then, I went to college.

Classes felt pointless, because I would sit there for 50 minutes listening to a lecture, but my brain would tune out 5-10 minutes in. I had no clue what I was being taught. On top of that, I found that nothing stuck when I studied. I remember spending one weekend doing nothing but studying one chapter in my biology textbook. I realized that the book might as well have been written in Japanese, because none of the words made sense in my brain. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to spend 8 hours studying, only to realize you’ve read the same page over and over and over and over, and you still have zero clue what was written on that page?

The scariest memory moment for me came a few years back at Christmas Eve. I was at my in-laws, and I was crashed on a couch playing a game on my phone. My nephew, B, came into the room and was calling out for someone. At first I thought he was calling for Tom, and I explained to him that Tom was at work, but would be joining us in an hour or so. He looked at me confused and then said, “I’m looking for J.” Which led to me being confused, cause I had no clue who he meant. His maternal grandpa is named J, but we were at his paternal grandparents house. While I was baffled, one of my sister-in-laws came in and told him that J was in the basement. B ran off to find him, and I was completely confused. I asked her, “Who’s he looking for?”

Which led to her giving me a strange look and replying, “His brother.”

Then it clicked. I had forgotten about my nephew, J. B’s older brother. I forgot an entire person existed. I laughed it off, but even now, it still freaks me out.

Tom catches most of my memory mistakes. Usually they show up in the form of me sharing news I’m excited about, and he responds by telling me about when he told me months earlier about that news. Example: the following text exchange from a few years back. He had originally texted me the news in September, and in November I texted him with exciting news I had just learned:

I nicknamed him Sweetie in my phone as a Doctor Who reference. Also, I really love The Good Place.

However, I’m delighted to announce that even with all the negative parts of a bad memory, I have found one awesome perk. I tend to forget what happens in a movie or tv show, so I can watch something again, and enjoy almost as much as the first time I saw it. It’s not a big perk, but I’ll take whatever positives I can get.

I’ve taken up yet another craft.

Published April 27, 2021 by Malia

So, almost a month ago this happened:

@memary84

I needed it. #cricut #craft #adhd #dopamine

♬ original sound – memary84
Yes, I am an Elder Millenial who has embraced TikTok. You should follow me for my videos, especially the Golden Girl re-enactments.

So, I LOVE my Cricut Joy (this is not a paid advertisement, I just love my toy so much I need to squeal about it for a moment!). I spent years wanting a Cricut, but couldn’t bring myself to buy one because they’re pricey and I couldn’t figure out what I would make enough of that would justify buying one. The Joy is tiny (which automatically ups its cuteness factor), and it lets me make all the greeting cards I want.

@memary84

#cricutjoy #cricut #seashells #cricutcard #fyp

♬ Surfin’ U.S.A. – The Beach Boys

I haven’t yet decided what to do with the mountain of cards I currently have sitting on my dining room table…but I have ideas.

Idea #1

-Card of the Day: Basically, I make a handful of a specific card each day and put them up for sale. When they’re gone, they’re gone.

Idea #2

-Emergency Card Pack: These would be packs that, when someone has forgotten to get a card for an even (birthday, wedding, funeral, etc…) they can just pull from the pack, instead of doing a last minute trip to the store. I admit, this idea has been inspired by my ADHD brain constantly forgetting to get cards until the very last minute. Running to WalMart on Sunday afternoon because I forgot to buy a card is one of my personal nightmares.

Thoughts? Interest? I’m not convinced that either of these are terrible ideas, but am open to input from you, my readers.

Until tomorrow, unless Groot does something ridiculously cute between now and then and I feel the need to show her off. Speaking of Groot, here’s an adorable video of her from a few months ago when we were trying to get her ready to go out in the cold, deep snow:

@memary84

Groot is just done with us right now 😂 #pugglesoftiktok #dogsoftiktok #winter2021 #dogmom #nebraska #omaha

♬ Oh No – Kreepa
That weird breathy sound is me laughing at my poor baby’s distress.

Welcome to the Second Decade

Published April 26, 2021 by Malia

If you’re new to the blog, or it’s been awhile since you visited, let me catch you up on what life has been like.

Ten years ago, I started this blog when I moved from Nebraska to North Dakota. I was going through a bad time. I was lost and heartbroken, and I needed to get as far away from Nebraska as I could. North Dakota may not sound like the optimal place to run away to, but I fell in love with Grand Forks. By the December of 2012, I found myself moving back to Nebraska. There were a few reasons that prompted the move, but the main ones were a type 2 diabetes diagnosis and running out of money for school (I was working on my bachelor’s for the umpteenth time).

January 2013-January 2016 saw the following happen:

-I worked in a medical lab.

-I began dating, and got married to the boy. That’s how I referred to him on here for the longest time. His name is actually Tom, and to this day I firmly believe that the best choice I ever made was agreeing to go on a date with him.

-Early Term miscarriages 1 & 2.

January 2016-February 2017

-Tried being a homemaker, it was a bit of a disaster.

-We blew up our car engine by throwing a rod. This led to a giant headache trying to replace the engine. Pretty sure by the time we sold the car we had replaced the engine 4 times. Important lesson kids, always stay on top of your car’s oil levels and changes. It’s and expensive problem you don’t want to deal with.

-We were so broke, and I completely lost hope that things would ever get better. It was a really dark time.

February 2017-April 2018

-I went to work in the lab at our local pediatric hospital.

-I was sick all the time, mostly with respiratory infections.

-Was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I’d been fighting to get someone to officially diagnosis it since 2012. It’s awful trying to get female reproductive health issues diagnosed and treated.

-Decided to leave the job mainly due to my rapidly deteriorating health.

-Adopted an 11 year old Puggle. She’s my first dog ever, and she’s my baby.

-Early term miscarriage 3.

April 2018-August 2019

-Attempt #2 of being a homemaker, again was a bit of a disaster.

-Got officially diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I already knew I was struggling, but it was really helpful to finally have an actual diagnosis.

-It was a dark time, but also a time where I learned quite a bit about myself.

August 2019-March 2020

-Went back to the hospital lab job as a casual employee.

-My grandmother passed away.

-Early term miscarriage 4.

March 2020-Now (April 2021)

-At the end of February 2020, my job was going really well. I was getting healthy, and was finally losing weight. I was on top of the world, and when a full time position opened up I decided I was ready. Let me just say right now, if I had known what was going to hit by mid-March, I would’ve never gone to being full time.

-Working in a hospital lab, during the first 9 months of Covid was a special level of Hell. Eventually, I may be able to write more about it, but I’m not mentally or emotionally in a place where I can do that yet.

-The last week of December 2020, my mental/physical/emotional health bailed on me. I’d been trying so hard, for months, to hold it together. I kept telling myself if I could just keep going eventually things would better. At 2 a.m. on 12/28 I was sitting in the shower, sobbing, and I knew I was officially at my breaking point. Months of barely sleeping, high stress, panic attacks, crying all the time, and constant nightmares when I would manage to sleep had all taken their toll. I was put on leave through January, with the intention that I would be heading back to work. I had countless doctor appointments, and by the end of January I came to the realization that there was no way I would be ready to go back to work. So, I chose my health and my sanity over my paycheck and benefits. I know I made the right choice, but it wasn’t an easy choice.

-Early term miscarriage 5.

What does the second decade look like?

I’ll be completely honest with you, right now I qualify a good day as one where I get out of bed and put pants on. Overall, I’m not doing very good. I am starting to heal from last year, but it’s slow going. Right now, I can only manage baby steps, but I’ve decided baby steps of progress are better than no progress at all.

I’ve been encouraged in therapy to return to writing, and right now the easiest writing for me to do is this blog. And since it’s important to have goals, I will end this post with a small list of goals I have for the next few years:

Goal 1: Getting healthy so that expanding our family (whether biologically or by adoption) is an actual possibility.

Goal 2: Moving The Banana Gift from being a dream to a reality.

Like I said, it’s a small list. I’ll be back tomorrow!