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I don’t care, but maybe I do?

Published December 7, 2012 by ia84

I’m going home this weekend for one night.  There is actually a logical explanation for why I’m going to make a 1,000 mile round trip in approximately 34 hours.  Suffice it to say, it’s a good thing I’m going, even though it’s for one night, because it’ll allow me to take a load of belongings home.

Home.

What a mixture of emotions that thought conjures up.

I’m both excited and terrified of going.  I have such wonderful pipe dream plans of things I hope to accomplish, and yet I find myself obsessing over the fact that I’m going home with no job.  Yes, there are a few places that have indicated interest in possibly employing me (which is more than I had the last time I was unemployed), but there’s such a terror in the unknown.

I keep telling myself that I’m a strong young woman, and I don’t care a fig what everyone else thinks.  This is progress.  Even though a small part of me does care, I’ve at least reached a point where I can say out loud “I don’t care” and 99% mean it.  I think no matter how much we don’t care, secretly we all somewhat have that 1% of desire for approval from others.

I am truly looking forward to seeing my “niece” more than once every 4 months.  Babies grow fast.  I always knew that, but it’s really hitting home with me now that I have this little girl in my life.  She’s so precious, and I just melt when I’m around her.  That’s never really happened for me before with a baby.  I grew up an only child, and babies just weren’t a big part of my life.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve shied away from being around babies.  I think this is mainly due to the fact that when I see a baby, it hurts something deep inside.  It’s this reminder that much as I desire to be a wife and mother (not because I’m wishing I was a 50’s housewife, but because I want to love and nurture), to this point those are things I’ve been denied.  I’ve avoided babies trying to protect myself, and it’s not just babies.

I’ve come to realize that in the last 10 years I’ve built up quite the wall around my heart.  The building has been slow going.  At first, whenever something hurt, or I was rejected, I’d put in another brick.  Then, I began ending things before they could hurt me, which meant there were more bricks being placed around my heart.  I did try, a few times, to take a chance on various things, but all ended in disaster, and  I went from using bricks to welding a metal shield around my heart.  When I was home at Thanksgiving, and I saw baby girl, I realized just how much I’ve sealed my heart off.

I’m going to try, very hard, to remove the shield, and undo the bricks.  I don’t want to be a heartless old hag.  I want to love and be loved.  I want to be able to love and accept myself, even with the laundry list of faults I know I have.  I’m not going to be perfect at it, but I’m going give it my best, and that’s all I can hope to do.

Random Saturday Musings

Published October 28, 2012 by ia84

-I love when I watch a movie that I haven’t watched in years and see that it’s still just as awesome as I remember it being.

-Sometimes it really kills me how divided I feel.  I love & miss my family and friends at home, but if I weren’t here I’d feel the same about the people here.

-I feel confused about the iPad mini.  How is this any different than an iPod touch?  Much as I love my computer and iPod, it disturbs me that now marketing strategies seem to be, “Look, it’s a size we’ve kinda sorta, but not really offered before!  Aren’t we amazing?  Isn’t it great you’ll be willing to pay a couple of car &/or mortgage payments to own this?”

-I’m starting to think it’s a good thing for me not to watch Husker games.  They win when I don’t watch.  Because, of course, the world revolves around me.

-I miss my furry babies.  I know I’m going to get home for Thanksgiving and Howie will completely and totally ignore me until it’s time for me to leave, and I don’t care.  I miss his fuzzy orange face!  I miss my Gracie, too.  I miss watching her try to flirt with Sam & Dean whenever Supernatural is on.

-Aunty Ellen, if you’re reading this, Happy Birthday!  I’ll call you later today (cause I’m pretty sure 4 a.m. wouldn’t be a good time to call).  I’m so blessed to have you for an aunt, and I admire you so much.  I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how truly amazing I think you are!  I love you so much!

-I’m so thankful that my family doesn’t badger me about “When are you going to get married,” or “When are you going to have kids.”  It’s hard enough when no one shows any romantic interest, and knowing there’s a 98% chance of no babies in my future.  I’m just so unbelievably thankful this isn’t a standard I’m held up to.  Instead, I’m allowed to chase my dreams, no matter how silly and foolish other people might find them.Dear Family, you are so amazing and I’d be such a bigger mess without you.

-I’m going to be 28 in 27 days.  How insane is that?  I don’t feel like I’m going to be 28.  I feel like 15 or 16.  The only times I feel old is when I’m around kids who are amazed by the fact that I remember seeing certain films (Land Before Time, Beauty & The Beast, & The Lion King to name a few) the first time they were in the theater.

-Is it weird to say that just seeing my severely beat up copy of Fellowship of the Ring is comforting to me?  I can’t explain it.  I have no idea how many times I’ve read LOTR , I lost count years ago.  Actually, I never kept count.  I just would read the series, and as soon as I finished Return of the King I’d cycle right back into Fellowship.  

-It really bothers me when I see commercials for kid computers and the kids are learning to read and write on the tablet.  I think what truly worries/frustrates/irritates me, is that usually you don’t see the parent until the end of the commercial and inevitably they’re either peeking around a corner or passing through the room where the child is.  Computers shouldn’t be teaching the children!  Parents need to be whipping out the good, old McGuffey Reader and teaching the child.  Reading is not a computer game.  There’s a huge difference between teaching the kid how to recognize and pronounce a word, and teaching a child to do those things and love the words.  Computers don’t love.  They’re a machine.  Words are so important.  Books are important.  I feel like whole generations of children are being denied the pleasure of being friends with words, and that saddens me so much.  Computers are great, and fun, but there are some things that they shouldn’t solely be relied on to do.

Happiness is…

Published October 22, 2012 by ia84

This afternoon I got a call, and during the conversation I was asked, “How would you like to be able to go home for Thanksgiving?”  All I could do in response was cry and mumble through my tears, “I’d…really *sniff*…likethat.”

In less than a month I’ll be home.

Things have been so overwhelming these last few weeks, just knowing that I’ll get to be home for Thanksgiving and my birthday suddenly made things seem a little less overwhelming.  I just gotta get through the next 29 days.

I can do this.