Movies

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I Have Now Seen “Sharknado” And It Totally Lived Up To My Expectations

Published August 7, 2014 by Malia

Granted, it helps that my expectations were phenomenally low.  Almost non-existent.  Basically, I was expecting a really campy movie filled with sharks and tornadoes.  Which is exactly what I got.

I have to give the boy major props here, because not only did he put Sharknado on the DVR (after I told him that there was no way I’d ever understand the subtle nuances & intricate plot details in Sharknado 2 unless I saw the original), but he actually sat through the epic amazingness/awfulness with me.

I will say that despite the many  flaws (including a complete lack of understanding of how both water and tornadoes work), and the generally bad acting; Sharknado was a much better film than most films I’ve seen SyFy put out.  However, I really would have liked more tornadoes.  Maybe Sharknado 2 will fill that void for me.

I am kind of concerned now, though, because while watching, I learned that the boy hasn’t got a chainsaw, or a helicopter, or any explosives.  I’m really not sure what we’re going to do when this totally realistic weather event hits the Midwest.

Solving Jar Jar

Published May 10, 2014 by Malia

The other night I was with the boy, and we were watching The New Yoda Chronicles: Escape from the Jedi Temple.  For those that are unaware of it, basically it’s Lego Star Wars.  So, lots of humor and everything is Lego.  Which, some might argue makes it better than actually watching Star Wars, but I digress…

Anyway, in the episode there’s a scene with everyone’s “favorite” character, Jar Jar…and Jar Jar’s three children.  That’s right, Jar Jar apparently met some female Gungan and procreated with her.  I pointed out that maybe if Jar Jar’s significant other was as annoying as he was, they might cancel each other out, and their kids would be perfectly normal.  The boy disagreed since the kids were probably at least 30, and they acted like they were five.  Then, I came up with a solution.  Maybe, Gungan’s age differently than humans.  Maybe Jar Jar didn’t become a mature Gungan until several years after Revenge of the Sith.    Now, before you discount this theory, let’s look at the evidence (and keep in mind, this is all supposition.  I don’t know if there’s actually evidence out there to destroy my theory).

In The Phantom Menace, we first encounter Jar Jar.  He’s annoying, clumsy, and generally irritating.  He’s got more in common with the twelve-year-old Anakin than he does with any of the adults.  Plus, it’s never established that he actually is an adult.  The other Gungans dislike him, and when he’s brought before the leader, no one jumps to his defense.  This could easily be explained if he’s an orphan.  For all we know, Jar Jar was a preteen orphan Gungan, and the Gungans saw that shipping him off with the Jedi’s was an easy way to rid themselves of someone they didn’t want to care for.

When you think of it like that, then everything that happens becomes loads sadder.  Basically, no one checked his age, accepted that he was an adult because he was tall and could talk.  They let him be an ambassador and put the fate of the galaxy in his hands.  Seriously?  What kind of moron lets a kid make those kinds of decisions?  On the other hand, he did come from a planet that boasted a queen who was 14 when she was elected.  But still, there were plenty in the senate not from Naboo, and they should have questioned the wisdom of giving Jar Jar so much responsibility.

That’s it, I move for a vote of “No Confidence” in the representatives from Naboo.

Anyone have an extra hundred grand just laying around?

Published January 27, 2014 by Malia

If you do, you could be the proud owner of this…

That’s right, boys and girls, you could own a piece of movie history.  It even comes with Raptor.

As of right now, it’s only $99,900.10.  Better put in your bids quick.

If that’s too expensive, for a mere $7,700 bid, you could own the mobile lab RV from The Lost World.

Wherein I make my Oscar picks based solely on the trailers~Week 1: The Short Films

Published January 18, 2014 by Malia

First, the word “wherein” is a very fun word to say.  Try it.

Second, you all now know that I’m weird enough that I will use words simply based upon the amount of fun I have saying them.

And now, for my actual post…

I know it’s silly and shallow, but I genuinely enjoy the movie award season.  There’s something fun about watching famous people get dressed up, act like they like other famous people, and then give out awards to each other.

Now, lot’s of people watch the movies, and carefully make their picks for who will win the Academy Award in various categories.  I’m not usually given to that kind of dedication.  I usually make a guess based off of what I’ve heard about the films and the performances.  This year, I feel like I’ve barely seen anything, and I’ve heard even less.  So, I thought it would be fun to make my picks (and also try to figure out the plot) based solely upon watching the trailers.  If nothing else, it’ll be entertaining.

This week, I’m hitting the short film categories.  I’m a terrible picker when it comes to short films, usually what I think is an award winner barely gets any attention paid to it.

Best Short Film, Live Action

1. Aquel No Era Yo

Child soldiers, dialogue in a foreign language, all taking place in a war zone.

2.  Just Before Losing Everything

This is in French, but fortunately the trailer had subtitles so I had a clue as to what was going on.  From what it looks like a woman and her children (?) are on the run from her husband(?).

3.  Helium

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Okay, I’m starting to wonder if any of these short films are in English.  That aside, thank heavens for subtitles.  From what I can tell, a very sick kid is being told about the magical land of Helium by his dad.

4..  Do I Have To Take Care Of Everything?

From what I saw in the 30 second trailer, it appears to be a film about the frustration that moms/wives feel about the face that if they don’t do something, it won’t get done.

5.  The Voorman Problem

It’s in English!  It has Martin Freeman!  Apparently, it’s about a prisoner who thinks he’s God.

What I Think Will Win

It’s hard to make a decision like this based on a trailer for a short film, mostly because some of these films aren’t much longer than a regular film trailer.  Still, based on the little content I saw, I’m expecting the winner to be Aquel No Era Yo.  

What I Would Like To Win

Out of the five, only two caught my attention enough that I actually want to see the films they were advertising.  Helium is absolutely beautiful.  I know it will be heartbreaking, but the visual was stunning.  The Voorman Problem has the draw of Martin Freeman.  Really hard to go wrong with something he’s in.  Plus, the trailer was quite humorous.  If anything, it’s a really dark comedy.

Best Short Film, Animated

1.  Feral

A serious exploration of the question, “Were you raised by wolves?”

2.  Get A Horse

Mickey Mouse goes for a hayrack ride.

3.  Mr. Hublot

Either he’s a robot or he’s a wacky inventor.  24 seconds made it difficult to decide.

4.  Possessions

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This film has three titles that I could find, and I have absolutely no clue what was going on in the trailer.  There was lightening, beat up parasols, a frog like creature, and a dragon.  I think this is one I would have to see completely to be able to give a decent recounting of the plot.

5.  Room On The Broom

A witch and her cat go for a ride on her broom.  Also, at some point, there is a dragon and a dog.  Honestly, it holds no interest for me, and based on what I saw I’m surprised it got a nomination.  Hopefully, the film was better than it’s trailer.

What I Think Will Win

I’m definitely leaning towards Feral.  The trailer was super trippy, but the art was fascinating.

What I Would Like To Win

Either Mr. Hublot or Feral.  Both looked incredibly well done, and out of the five were the only ones that really caught my eye.

Because, clearly, this is what you do as Vesuvius erupts.

Published January 5, 2014 by Malia

I wasn’t going to post tonight.  I’m tired, it’s been a emotionally draining two days, but when I saw this, I felt like I had to say something…

I was on IMDB, when this poster caught my eye.  Maybe I’m just too exhausted to process this one with an open mind.  When I think of Pompeii, I do not think, “Sweet!  I bet people were totally making out as fire and death rained down around them!”  I realize that there’s this idea that every movie has to have a love story, but this one is making even my brain hurt.  Then, I thought, maybe I was misjudging the poster.  Maybe it wasn’t a good representation of the story, so I went to the movie’s page on IMDB, and found this little plot gem:

A slave turned gladiator finds himself in a race against time to save his true love, who has been betrothed to a corrupt Roman Senator.  As Mount Vesuvius erupts, he must fight to save his beloved as Pompeii crumbles around him.”

Okay, I didn’t misjudge the poster.  And yes, I suppose a poster like that and plot are going to bring in moviegoers much more quickly than a poster with an image like this:

People died horrible deaths that day, and if a movie is going to be made about Pompeii, that’s the story that should be told.

Really Creepy

Published October 11, 2012 by Malia

So, they’ve been running many ads for the anniversary edition of E.T.  Why is this movie so popular?  Surely I’m not the only person who’s really freaked out by the “adorable” alien. The alien from Alien is more adorable.   Just thinking about it gives me the heebie-jeebies.  Someone please explain this mystery to me.

Duh Duh…Duh Duh…Duh Duh Duh Duh DuhDuhDuhDuhDuhDuh AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Published October 11, 2012 by Malia

Tonight I experienced sharks, sharks, and more sharks.  The good, the bad, and the ugly of the world of sharks.

I was hanging out at a friend’s apartment, and we were going to watch a movie.  I asked if we could watch Jaws.  I’d never actually seen Jaws all the way through.  Sure, I’d catch parts when it’s on t.v., but my past viewing has been completely out of order.  Since my friend, Katy,  loves all things shark, she was more than willing to sit through Jaws.

Jaws is a pretty great film, especially when you consider when it was made.  Sure, it was kinda unrealistic, and sure, the Bruce (that’s the shark) that you see in close-up is way bigger than the full body shots of the shark they portray as Bruce.  It’s the epic struggle, though, that makes it worthwhile.  Plus, there’s some pretty cool cinematography.  Although, in retrospect, I’m not sure my first full viewing would’ve been nearly as fun had I been by myself.  It’s definitely a film you need to watch with other like-minded people.

About halfway through the film Katy suggested we watch Shark Night next.  Shark Night is the very touching story about a group of college students who decide to spend the weekend at the lake.  Nothing could possibly go bad, right?  Right.  Oh wait, things do get a little less charming when the sharks in the lake start nomming on the gang.  This ain’t Beach Blanket Bingo, that’s for sure.  “But wait,” you’re probably saying, “how can there be sharks?  Didn’t you say they’re at a lake?”  Why, yes, I did!  Not to worry, there’s a perfectly logical explanation given, about halfway through the film.  I think this film was the product of someone thinking, “Jaws was really successful, and Deliverance was really disturbing; why not combine them into one film?”  Don’t believe me?  There was this moment where Katharine McPhee’s character is giving the creepy Deliverance guy an eyeful, and I actually said, “And now we’re showing Deliverance our boobs.”  Seriously, if you don’t know what people mean when they call something a “B movie,” watch this and you’ll understand.

After Shark Night we watched one of the Shark Week episodes, Air Jaws.  This was actually pretty cool, and educational.  Did you know that Great Whites will actually clear the water doing this leap breach thing?  It’s ridiculous.  I admit I was rooting for the seals and penguins to get away.  I know a shark’s gotta eat, but it’s awful watching animals that cute get killed.  The vet tech in me wanted to save the injured animals.

All in all, a successful evening, and now I know why I’m single and childless.  People in relationships do not watch Jaws and when seeing a dog and a child at the beach, and the ominous familiar music starts to play, say, “Eat the bratty kid!  Not the dog!”