ADHD

All posts tagged ADHD

Your secrets are safe with me, because I’ll forget them.

Published April 28, 2021 by Malia

One of the truly “delightful” parts of having an ADHD brain, is that my memory is deteriorating. I’ll be completely candid, I may have shared some of this before, but I have no recollection of doing so. My apologies if this is a repeat.

I started noticing it in high school. Of course, I had no clue I had ADHD at that point, so I just assumed I was getting dumber. I mostly noticed the problem when I took tests. No matter how much I studied, I could never remember most of what I needed to know. Plus, anxiety meant I just froze and did terrible. However, I was able to keep my grades up with my homework, and so it never really was an issue.

Then, I went to college.

Classes felt pointless, because I would sit there for 50 minutes listening to a lecture, but my brain would tune out 5-10 minutes in. I had no clue what I was being taught. On top of that, I found that nothing stuck when I studied. I remember spending one weekend doing nothing but studying one chapter in my biology textbook. I realized that the book might as well have been written in Japanese, because none of the words made sense in my brain. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to spend 8 hours studying, only to realize you’ve read the same page over and over and over and over, and you still have zero clue what was written on that page?

The scariest memory moment for me came a few years back at Christmas Eve. I was at my in-laws, and I was crashed on a couch playing a game on my phone. My nephew, B, came into the room and was calling out for someone. At first I thought he was calling for Tom, and I explained to him that Tom was at work, but would be joining us in an hour or so. He looked at me confused and then said, “I’m looking for J.” Which led to me being confused, cause I had no clue who he meant. His maternal grandpa is named J, but we were at his paternal grandparents house. While I was baffled, one of my sister-in-laws came in and told him that J was in the basement. B ran off to find him, and I was completely confused. I asked her, “Who’s he looking for?”

Which led to her giving me a strange look and replying, “His brother.”

Then it clicked. I had forgotten about my nephew, J. B’s older brother. I forgot an entire person existed. I laughed it off, but even now, it still freaks me out.

Tom catches most of my memory mistakes. Usually they show up in the form of me sharing news I’m excited about, and he responds by telling me about when he told me months earlier about that news. Example: the following text exchange from a few years back. He had originally texted me the news in September, and in November I texted him with exciting news I had just learned:

I nicknamed him Sweetie in my phone as a Doctor Who reference. Also, I really love The Good Place.

However, I’m delighted to announce that even with all the negative parts of a bad memory, I have found one awesome perk. I tend to forget what happens in a movie or tv show, so I can watch something again, and enjoy almost as much as the first time I saw it. It’s not a big perk, but I’ll take whatever positives I can get.

Welcome to the Second Decade

Published April 26, 2021 by Malia

If you’re new to the blog, or it’s been awhile since you visited, let me catch you up on what life has been like.

Ten years ago, I started this blog when I moved from Nebraska to North Dakota. I was going through a bad time. I was lost and heartbroken, and I needed to get as far away from Nebraska as I could. North Dakota may not sound like the optimal place to run away to, but I fell in love with Grand Forks. By the December of 2012, I found myself moving back to Nebraska. There were a few reasons that prompted the move, but the main ones were a type 2 diabetes diagnosis and running out of money for school (I was working on my bachelor’s for the umpteenth time).

January 2013-January 2016 saw the following happen:

-I worked in a medical lab.

-I began dating, and got married to the boy. That’s how I referred to him on here for the longest time. His name is actually Tom, and to this day I firmly believe that the best choice I ever made was agreeing to go on a date with him.

-Early Term miscarriages 1 & 2.

January 2016-February 2017

-Tried being a homemaker, it was a bit of a disaster.

-We blew up our car engine by throwing a rod. This led to a giant headache trying to replace the engine. Pretty sure by the time we sold the car we had replaced the engine 4 times. Important lesson kids, always stay on top of your car’s oil levels and changes. It’s and expensive problem you don’t want to deal with.

-We were so broke, and I completely lost hope that things would ever get better. It was a really dark time.

February 2017-April 2018

-I went to work in the lab at our local pediatric hospital.

-I was sick all the time, mostly with respiratory infections.

-Was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I’d been fighting to get someone to officially diagnosis it since 2012. It’s awful trying to get female reproductive health issues diagnosed and treated.

-Decided to leave the job mainly due to my rapidly deteriorating health.

-Adopted an 11 year old Puggle. She’s my first dog ever, and she’s my baby.

-Early term miscarriage 3.

April 2018-August 2019

-Attempt #2 of being a homemaker, again was a bit of a disaster.

-Got officially diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I already knew I was struggling, but it was really helpful to finally have an actual diagnosis.

-It was a dark time, but also a time where I learned quite a bit about myself.

August 2019-March 2020

-Went back to the hospital lab job as a casual employee.

-My grandmother passed away.

-Early term miscarriage 4.

March 2020-Now (April 2021)

-At the end of February 2020, my job was going really well. I was getting healthy, and was finally losing weight. I was on top of the world, and when a full time position opened up I decided I was ready. Let me just say right now, if I had known what was going to hit by mid-March, I would’ve never gone to being full time.

-Working in a hospital lab, during the first 9 months of Covid was a special level of Hell. Eventually, I may be able to write more about it, but I’m not mentally or emotionally in a place where I can do that yet.

-The last week of December 2020, my mental/physical/emotional health bailed on me. I’d been trying so hard, for months, to hold it together. I kept telling myself if I could just keep going eventually things would better. At 2 a.m. on 12/28 I was sitting in the shower, sobbing, and I knew I was officially at my breaking point. Months of barely sleeping, high stress, panic attacks, crying all the time, and constant nightmares when I would manage to sleep had all taken their toll. I was put on leave through January, with the intention that I would be heading back to work. I had countless doctor appointments, and by the end of January I came to the realization that there was no way I would be ready to go back to work. So, I chose my health and my sanity over my paycheck and benefits. I know I made the right choice, but it wasn’t an easy choice.

-Early term miscarriage 5.

What does the second decade look like?

I’ll be completely honest with you, right now I qualify a good day as one where I get out of bed and put pants on. Overall, I’m not doing very good. I am starting to heal from last year, but it’s slow going. Right now, I can only manage baby steps, but I’ve decided baby steps of progress are better than no progress at all.

I’ve been encouraged in therapy to return to writing, and right now the easiest writing for me to do is this blog. And since it’s important to have goals, I will end this post with a small list of goals I have for the next few years:

Goal 1: Getting healthy so that expanding our family (whether biologically or by adoption) is an actual possibility.

Goal 2: Moving The Banana Gift from being a dream to a reality.

Like I said, it’s a small list. I’ll be back tomorrow!

Mother Forking Shirtballs, I just want to go to sleep.

Published January 28, 2019 by Malia

I’m trying so hard to get to sleep, and it’s just not happening. I went to bed at 9:30, and as I write this it’s now 12:20 a.m. I’m crazy exhausted, and yet annoyingly awake. Too tired to stay sitting upright, so I’m in bed.

Here’s what it’s like in my all over the place ADHD head right now (thoughts are in order of appearance, not order of logic. I don’t know how I skip so wildly from one thing to the other, I just do):

-I should totally make a Fairy Tail guild mark blanket. It wouldn’t be that hard.

-I’ve already got two blankets in progress. I should probably finish one before starting another.

-Yeah, probably, but I really want to make it.

-Just finish something, I’m begging you…wait what is that?

-Why is the song from Back to the Future playing? I thought Tom was watching Flash.

-Oh, it is Flash, must be something time travelly happening.

-I just want to sleep.

-Man, I have not watched Back to the Future in forever. I should watch it this week. Also, I really need to catch up on Flash.

-So, how much yarn would my Fairy Tail blanket take? It’s gotta be less than the temperature blanket.

-Gracie Groot, was that you? Oh yeah, totally you. Why are you farting so much?

-Okay, the TV is driving me to distraction. So much input just being flung at my ears. I need to invest in some new earplugs.

-I have so much stuff to make. What do people even want to buy?

-People will want to buy, right?

-I feel like there’s angst happening on Flash. Music is all angsty and characters sounded equally angsty.

-I can’t believe Tom got ahead of me in Pokemon Go. I’m going to need to play so much more so I can hit level 40 before he does. Seriously, how did he get ahead of me?

-I need more yarn.

-And I’m still awake.

-5:30 is going to get here way too quick.

-I want pie.

It’s entirely possible I’ve completely lost my mind.

Published January 23, 2019 by Malia

When I was growing up, every summer my family would come home to Nebraska for two weeks to see family.  One of the days we were back, would be spent getting a watermelon, and going to Guide Rock, to see my Great Grandma B.  She passed away when I was ten, so I don’t have tons of memories of her, but the ones I do have are precious.

Great Grandma B was a short and sweet lady.  She always had cookies in the cookie jar, a giant garden, and there was always a jigsaw puzzle in progress.  Even though I never worked on a puzzle with her, I was always in awe of them.  When she passed away, I was allowed to have a few of her puzzles, and that’s when my love affair with jigsaws began.

I drove my mom absolutely batty over the years because I constantly wanted to have a jigsaw going, but my incredibly short attention span meant that it would take me months to complete one.  As I got older, I fell off doing puzzles, but that didn’t mean I stopped loving them.  Then, last spring, I stumbled across a group on Facebook where people were sharing their completed jigsaws.  I wanted to share, so I joined and jumped back into puzzling.  In the last year, I’ve completed a pile of puzzles, and when registration for the 2019 Global Jigsaw Jubilee opened, I signed up.  I’d seen people’s completed puzzles from the 2018 Jubilee, and something competitive inside me had awoken.  I wanted to prove that I’m just as awesome a puzzler as all those others who’ve participated.

The event starts on 1/29, so I have five days left to prepare.  Here’s the puzzles I’m planning to work on:

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I intend to start with the Ravensburger, simply because I think it will prove to be the easiest.img_20190123_1208412052016742778206415077.jpg

Putting together the little squares of images should prove *fingers crossed* relatively easy.

Next up will be the DC Comics puzzle:

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Considering how much we love DC in this house, this puzzle is a must do.  (Points to you if you can name everyone in the image without help.  I can name at least half, but I know Tom could name them all if asked).

After that, I head into more challenging waters.  The Disney Kinkade puzzles:

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These are two of my favorite Disney princess movies.  Most of my life Beauty & the Beast was my favorite, but it was dethroned when Tangled came along.  Tangled and Moana are currently tied at the top of my favorites list.

Finally, I’m going to tackle this monster:

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3000 pieces of Star Trek magic.

Here’s the thing, I’ve never completed a puzzle bigger than 1000 pieces.  I’m not too concerned about the 1500 piece ones, but that 3000 piece one is definitely going to test my abilities.  Going in, I know that the Ravensburger and Aquarius puzzles will have the best fitting, best condition pieces.  The Disney puzzles are Ceaco brand, and if previous experience with Ceaco is any indicator, I’ll get a bit frustrated.  Their puzzles are beautiful, but pieces are usually not great.  Here’s hoping that this will be a fun experience!