Writing

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Welcome to the Second Decade

Published April 26, 2021 by Malia

If you’re new to the blog, or it’s been awhile since you visited, let me catch you up on what life has been like.

Ten years ago, I started this blog when I moved from Nebraska to North Dakota. I was going through a bad time. I was lost and heartbroken, and I needed to get as far away from Nebraska as I could. North Dakota may not sound like the optimal place to run away to, but I fell in love with Grand Forks. By the December of 2012, I found myself moving back to Nebraska. There were a few reasons that prompted the move, but the main ones were a type 2 diabetes diagnosis and running out of money for school (I was working on my bachelor’s for the umpteenth time).

January 2013-January 2016 saw the following happen:

-I worked in a medical lab.

-I began dating, and got married to the boy. That’s how I referred to him on here for the longest time. His name is actually Tom, and to this day I firmly believe that the best choice I ever made was agreeing to go on a date with him.

-Early Term miscarriages 1 & 2.

January 2016-February 2017

-Tried being a homemaker, it was a bit of a disaster.

-We blew up our car engine by throwing a rod. This led to a giant headache trying to replace the engine. Pretty sure by the time we sold the car we had replaced the engine 4 times. Important lesson kids, always stay on top of your car’s oil levels and changes. It’s and expensive problem you don’t want to deal with.

-We were so broke, and I completely lost hope that things would ever get better. It was a really dark time.

February 2017-April 2018

-I went to work in the lab at our local pediatric hospital.

-I was sick all the time, mostly with respiratory infections.

-Was officially diagnosed with PCOS. I’d been fighting to get someone to officially diagnosis it since 2012. It’s awful trying to get female reproductive health issues diagnosed and treated.

-Decided to leave the job mainly due to my rapidly deteriorating health.

-Adopted an 11 year old Puggle. She’s my first dog ever, and she’s my baby.

-Early term miscarriage 3.

April 2018-August 2019

-Attempt #2 of being a homemaker, again was a bit of a disaster.

-Got officially diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, and depression. I already knew I was struggling, but it was really helpful to finally have an actual diagnosis.

-It was a dark time, but also a time where I learned quite a bit about myself.

August 2019-March 2020

-Went back to the hospital lab job as a casual employee.

-My grandmother passed away.

-Early term miscarriage 4.

March 2020-Now (April 2021)

-At the end of February 2020, my job was going really well. I was getting healthy, and was finally losing weight. I was on top of the world, and when a full time position opened up I decided I was ready. Let me just say right now, if I had known what was going to hit by mid-March, I would’ve never gone to being full time.

-Working in a hospital lab, during the first 9 months of Covid was a special level of Hell. Eventually, I may be able to write more about it, but I’m not mentally or emotionally in a place where I can do that yet.

-The last week of December 2020, my mental/physical/emotional health bailed on me. I’d been trying so hard, for months, to hold it together. I kept telling myself if I could just keep going eventually things would better. At 2 a.m. on 12/28 I was sitting in the shower, sobbing, and I knew I was officially at my breaking point. Months of barely sleeping, high stress, panic attacks, crying all the time, and constant nightmares when I would manage to sleep had all taken their toll. I was put on leave through January, with the intention that I would be heading back to work. I had countless doctor appointments, and by the end of January I came to the realization that there was no way I would be ready to go back to work. So, I chose my health and my sanity over my paycheck and benefits. I know I made the right choice, but it wasn’t an easy choice.

-Early term miscarriage 5.

What does the second decade look like?

I’ll be completely honest with you, right now I qualify a good day as one where I get out of bed and put pants on. Overall, I’m not doing very good. I am starting to heal from last year, but it’s slow going. Right now, I can only manage baby steps, but I’ve decided baby steps of progress are better than no progress at all.

I’ve been encouraged in therapy to return to writing, and right now the easiest writing for me to do is this blog. And since it’s important to have goals, I will end this post with a small list of goals I have for the next few years:

Goal 1: Getting healthy so that expanding our family (whether biologically or by adoption) is an actual possibility.

Goal 2: Moving The Banana Gift from being a dream to a reality.

Like I said, it’s a small list. I’ll be back tomorrow!

The blog isn’t dead, but it may be moving.

Published September 21, 2018 by Malia

I realize that over the last couple years I’ve written less and less. By some miracle y’all have stuck around and read my long rambling musings. Thank you for that.

I’ve actually been writing more, but I’ve been experimenting with a new platform. One where I make a few pennies whenever people like the things I write. There’s a Katamari game coming out for the Switch and Fallout 76 in my near future, and I’d like to be able to buy them when they’re new. I’d also like to contribute in a small way to the general income of our home. I realize that’s more important than video games, but currently I’m more excited about the games than I am the water bill.

So, if you want to read my most current writing head over to Medium, and check out my latest.

Bonus, here’s some adorable, sleepy animals:

I Should Be Writing

Published March 11, 2014 by Malia

Really.  I should.  I’m sitting here with a whole story idea in my head, and I’m too scared to sit and put it down on paper.

I’m a chicken.  I’m not proud of this, but at least I’ll own up to it.

The thing is, I’ve discovered that when I start to write stories, they tend to be a little dark.  Scratch that.  They tend to be really messed up and super dark.  Which, if you’re Stephen King definitely works in your favor.  However, if you’re me, it just tends to be scary.  I don’t like to think that there’s that much darkness in me.  Or, maybe I just don’t like acknowledging that my brain is able to come up with stories that are really messed up.

Of course, maybe if I actually completed my stories, instead of freaking myself out with them and quitting half-way through, I’d have something awesome.

And maybe, it’s 2 a.m., and I should be sleeping, and instead am in the process of realizing that Stephen King and George R.R. Martin have written pretty messed up stuff, and they don’t seem to regret it or be freaked out by it.  It’s 2 a.m. and I just realized that this post lacks any grammar correctness.

I shall be banned from the Grammar Rodeo.

Catching Up

Published December 4, 2012 by Malia

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding writing.  Which, I’ve come to realize, is super lazy on my part.  So, this post is going to read a bit like my Random Saturday Musings.

-My last post was my 100th post since I started writing this blog!  It kind of blows my mind that I’ve reached this many posts, and that people I’ve never met have actually read a majority of my posts.  I’m so fascinated by the way that the internet connects people all over the world.

-I’ve got 10 (more like 9, now) days left here in ND.  I really should probably start packing.  On the bright side, I didn’t bring that much with me, so I don’t have as much stuff to pack.  I’m also really struggling with the fact that I have to say “good-bye” to some incredibly amazing people.  I feel like I’ve spent most of my life saying “good-bye,” and it just doesn’t get any easier.

-I’ve been filling out quite the pile of job applications.  So far, I do have a few job possibilities.  I’ve had a few people wanting to set up interviews, but don’t want to wait the week and a half for me to get home to do the interview.  That’s a bit frustrating.  However, almost all of them have told me to give them a call when I get home; so, not a complete loss.

-I had an interesting realization yesterday.  I suddenly found that I don’t care what other people think about me.  It was an incredibly random realization.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone and be what everyone wants me to be.  That’s a very exhausting existence.  I also think that trying to keep everyone happy contributes a great deal to struggling to accept and love myself.  It’s nobody’s fault that I feel like this.  I just hate it when people aren’t happy, and I have single-handedly tried to make everything better for everybody.  I’ve known in my head for a long time that this is a pretty impossible task, but it’s only just now actually sinking in to my heart.  I’m still me, I’m just no longer going to base how I am on whether it makes other people happy.

-My NaNo novel turned into a real tragedy.  By 11 p.m. on 11/29 I had written a  little over 37,000 words.  My computer insisted it needed to do a restart, and so I made sure it was saved and backed up, and I let my computer do it’s thing.  When I opened up the file, I showed that I only had 22,269 words.  You know that scene in Little Women where Jo discovers that her novel is being thrown in the fire by Amy?  That’s exactly how I felt.  Thousands of words had disappeared.  People smarter than me with computers gave me advice on locating my missing words, but it was all to no avail.  Those words were just gone.  No explanation.  So, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal.  I did, however, write a lot.  I wrote more than I’ve ever written in my entire life on one subject.  Plus, I have enough of my first draft left, I’ve been able to start work on my second draft.  I’m super excited about this novel, and I can’t wait to put it out there for the world to read!

-Exciting news on the weight loss front.  I weighed myself yesterday, and found that I’ve only got 119 lbs. to go!  This means that since I started sharing with ya’ll that I was working on losing, I’ve lost 14 lbs.  in 13 weeks.  I think that’s pretty great!  I can definitely tell that my clothes are fitting better.  I’m also not constantly feeling hungry (which is a new, unique experience).  I think this is mainly due to the diabetes meds, but I’m not complaining.

-I’m very excited to get back to working with the puppet team.  I’m super pumped, because we’ve been given the necessary items to be able to travel and do performances.  I can’t wait to see where we’re going to get to go and minister.

-Since this blog was initially conceived with the idea of keeping people at home up to date with my life here in ND, the blog’s mission is going to get tweaked a bit since I’m moving back to NE.  I’m definitely going to continue writing it, but I’m also going to share some of my photography (I love to pretend that I’m good and force my photos on anyone willing to look at them),  and I’m toying with the idea of doing some vlogs.

 

NaNo Update

Published November 12, 2012 by Malia

I’m currently at 15,559 words (I’m about 4500 words behind today’s goal).  Which is pretty amazing, because as I stated a couple of days ago, I’ve never written this much on one topic before.  I’ve hit a wall, and am completely blanking on what’s next.  I’m hoping that by tomorrow I’ll be back on track.

Words

Published November 1, 2012 by Malia

Since NaNoWriMo has started, it seems appropriate that I be thinking about words.  It’s interesting how sometimes people can say or write something that they don’t really mean anything by, and it ends up really hurting the person it’s said about.  I’m guilty of this, not unlike most people.  I’ve been working through some things that have been said to me over the years, things that I’m not proud to admit have done a lot to shape how I think about life and about myself.  There’s a good lesson in it, but I’m not 100% ready to share anything more particular.  I guess, I just want to remind everyone to choose your words wisely.

Back to writing!

(Also, the entries this month will likely be pretty short ones, since I’m trying to crank out over 1600 words a day, on top of any homework and blogging.)

NaNoWriMo Eve

Published October 31, 2012 by Malia

While tonight is Halloween for most people, for me tonight is the night before NaNoWriMo begins.  In case you’ve not heard of it, NaNoWriMo is the name for the event that takes place all November, and the goal is to write a 50,000 word story.  I tried it a few years ago, but since I started in the middle of the month, I quickly got discouraged, and didn’t end up finishing.  This year, however, I’ve decided to give it another go.

I’ve got absolutely no idea what I’m going to write about.  I’ve been thinking about it over the last week, and I have absolutely no idea.  So, I’m going to just leap in, with no idea.  I’m just going to write and see where the words take me.

 

A bit of this, a bit of that

Published September 20, 2012 by Malia

So, I’m a bit of a loss for what to write about tonight.  Therefore, I’m going to share a small smidgen of a snippet of something I’ve been working on off and on for the last several years.

Story Snippet

               The light of the moon streamed through minute breaks in the forest canopy.  A cool breeze gently rustled the leaves, and far off in the distance an owl could be heard.  The summer night was calm.

Hidden in the depths of the  hollowed shell of a tree, she watched carefully.  Searching the shadows.  Such frightening secrets the shadows hid, but she didn’t fear them.  No, she knew what she feared, and it didn’t creep amongst the shadows.

She narrowed her eyes.  Something was moving along attempting to stay in the shadows, but not completely succeeding.  It was moving towards her.   She only had moments to decide on her move.  Taking a silent breath, she darted forward into the shadows, dagger drawn.

The element of surprise was on her side.  She pinned the intruder against a tree, her blade pressed not-so-gently against his throat.  “Just try to scream.   It’ll be your last.”  She whispered coldly.  His eyes were wide with fear.  She could feel his body shaking.  “Don’t expect me to fall for that,” she taunted, “I know who you are.  I know your tricks.”

The intruder stopped trembling, and he gave her a malicious grin, “Then you know who I serve, and you know how she’ll respond when I tell her I was accosted in the forest.  She’ll be most interested to know of the goings-on here.   All of the goings-on.”

She pushed the dagger so hard, she saw a small trickle of blood.  He gasped in shock, and the fear that crept back into his eyes was real.  She spoke quietly, making sure he heard every word.  Though she doubted he would go looking for more trouble, still she silently followed him to the edge of the forest.  Then she turned back and began the return to safety.

(c) 2012 M.L.