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Chocolate: 1, Me: 0

Published February 6, 2020 by ia84

People do many things when they feel down. Shop, sleep, drink, sleep around, send text messages to people they absolutely should not be texting. You get the idea. Me?

I eat.

Sometimes I shop, but 98% of the time, I turn to food. It’s been my go to for decades. Does it make me feel better? Yeah. Well, at least it does for a few minutes. And then regret seeps in. Followed by shame. Then I feel even more down than I already did. Which usually leads to more eating. It’s not a unique story by any stretch of the imagination.

Almost a month ago, faced with out of control blood sugar numbers, and severe anxiety about my weight I decided to make one more attempt at losing weight. And since January 14th, I’ve done really well. I’ve lost twenty pounds and stayed completely on plan. I’ve eaten tons of veggies. My blood sugar numbers have been awesome! I’ve resisted pizza, Wendy’s, Arby’s, a giant bowl filled with leftover Christmas chocolate, and piles of baked goods. That’s the short version of an incredibly long list. I have seen myself exercise self-control I really didn’t know I was capable of.

Last Saturday night, I had an incredibly realistic dream. I was tearing my house apart, devouring every little bit of chocolate I could find. I woke up with the most intense chocolate cravings I’ve ever had. I fought it all day Sunday, ending the night by sticking my head in the previously mentioned giant bowl of chocolate and just smelling the chocolate fumes. But the important thing is, I didn’t give in. I didn’t actually eat any. The cravings continued for days. To top it off, I’ve been feeling a lot of stress about work, my stupid fertility issues, and my upcoming root canal. The cravings and stress have started dragging me down into the dark place I don’t like to think or talk about.

I hate the dark place. I know I’ll climb out of it eventually. I’m just hoping I’ll crawl out in a few weeks, instead of a few months. This isn’t my first visit to it, and I know it won’t be my last. I’m not a strong person, but knowing I’ve gotten out of the dark place countless times over the years, helps me hold on. I may sound flippant, but honestly I feel anything but.

Knowing all this, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that last night I gave into the cravings. I ate a ton of chocolate and gummies, both from a Japanese snack box I ordered before deciding to get healthy. A strawberry ice cream popsicle, and three bites of a truly disgusting frozen chimichanga. I came very close to going to Taco Bell and ordering 3/4 of the menu, but it was after 10 pm, and would’ve required the wearing of pants.

By 11 pm the regret and shame had settled in, and I realized that I had two options. Clearly the first (and hopefully last) binge of 2020 hadn’t magically drug me out of the dark place or really made me feel any better. The only good that came of it was that my chocolate cravings were no longer driving me mad. So, my two options were:

A. Fall back into my old norm of binge, feel even worse, binge, feel bad, and repeat ad naseum.

B. Accept that I fell off the wagon, suck it up, and remember the important words from Gone With The Wind, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

So, I woke up today, checked my blood sugar and weight, and hopped back on plan. Nothing magically changed overnight. I’m still in the dark place. I’m still stressed, and honestly I would much rather have had a bagel than my breakfast drink. I can’t promise that I won’t give into my cravings again, because I’m smart enough to know I probably will. I’ll keep facing the same battle, but hopefully I’ll do better the next time I fall off the wagon.

And now, a random update post that really goes nowhere. Fun times.

Published February 28, 2018 by ia84

“Eagles may soar, but weasles don’t get sucked into jet engines.” Hands down, my all time favorite joke.

I completely lost the month of February. The flu was brutal; and then when I thought it was finally all over, I came down with post-infection bronchitis. I didn’t have the energy to do anything. I just stayed in bed, and slept through things on Netflix and Hulu.

I’m a week out now from the bronchitis diagnosis. I’m still not at 100%, but I’m starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, the worst is over.

March begins in a few hours, and I’m tentatively looking forward to it. There are changes headed towards me. I hope the changes are going to improve the boy and I’s life. Guess we won’t know until we’re actually into it. But at least I should have plenty to write about.

And now, I’m going to try to sleep, because tomorrow is my early shift, and I’ve found I’m more successful at my job when I’m not completely sleep deprived.

The Flu

Published February 12, 2018 by ia84

Reason for no posts lately? I have the flu. It hit insanely fast last Thursday morning, and I’ve been sleeping through Netflix since.

The worst part? I’ve actually been a relatively good patient the last several days, and yesterday I really thought I was finally through the worst. I took the boy to work this morning, and as the day has progressed I feel like it’s doubling back on me. So, I’m going to try to get some sleep so I can try to get through my shift at work tomorrow.

Also, don’t get the flu. It sucks.

The Return of the Lab Hobbit

Published April 2, 2017 by ia84

I went back to work in February.  I’m not sure I was really ready to go back to work, but our bank account was having a really negative attitude, so it seemed like the best option.  Funny thing, the people that send us bills really like when we pay those bills…

I’m back in a lab, a place I was afraid I’d never get to go back to.  Not only that, but I’m in a hospital lab.  I’ve spent years wishing I could be in a hospital lab, and now I am.  I’m feeling quite a bit happier than I have in a long while.  I actually want to go to work, which is always a positive.  As I’m starting my third month there, I find I’m still feeling a little overwhelmed by everything, but my coworkers are the best, and they’re always available to help me through the little hiccups and the big nightmares.

The boy and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary in March.  And by “celebrated,” I mean he woke up two minutes before I left for work, and that was the only time we saw each other that day (he didn’t get home from work until the wee hours of the morning the next day).  I’m hoping that by next year we’ll actually get to celebrate both Valentine’s Day and our anniversary (this year’s Valentine’s Day disaster is worthy of it’s own post).  While celebrating may not have happened, I can honestly say that I am so incredibly blessed to have the boy by my side.  We’re not perfect spouses, we both screw up on a regular basis (me, far more than him) but we do the best we can.  The first two years of marriage have been really difficult.  I’ve cried more in the last year, than I have in my entire life.  It’s been exhausting, overwhelming, and even scary.  However, I think it’s actually drawn us closer together, having to go through this.  I know it’s brought me closer to God (that’s another post, as well).

And now, I’m going to sign off for the night, because tomorrow is going to be here very soon and I can’t afford to sleep through my alarm again (that’s definitely another post.  I’m sensing a theme…).

Stormy Weather

Published July 7, 2016 by ia84

The clock just chimed four, and I’ve been wide awake since 2:30.  I counted 10 Mississippis between the most recent brilliant flash of lightening & the roll of thunder that followed.

 The boy is sleeping deeply beside me.  He’s completely exhausted.  In a few short hours he’ll be awake and gone; a 14-16 hour work day ahead of him.  These are the times I’m glad I don’t currently have a job, because if I did, I wouldn’t see him at all.  

I’m so tired and anxious.  I hate the Metformin.  I get that it’s supposed to help my health, but it also amplifies all my negative emotions and thoughts.  It makes everything feel so scary and overwhelming.  I hate it.  

More lightening.  7 Mississippis that time.  Storm’s getting closer.  

Don’t invite Charles Dickens to your seance.

Published September 29, 2015 by ia84

I am thoroughly convinced that my office is haunted.  Up until last week, though, I hadn’t mentioned it to anyone because I didn’t want people to think I was any crazier than I actually am. 

The way my office is situated, I sit right next to the door, but when I’m on the phone, my back is mostly turned towards the door.  Now, it’s not unusual for people to walk in to drop off results, or other things that need my attention, and if I’m on the phone they’ll usually leave the item on the file cabinet behind me.  Since it’s such a small office, whenever anyone walks in, I can feel the movement of air as they pass behind me.  On a regular basis, I’ll find myself taking a phone call and will feel someone walk in and stand behind me.  However, when I hang up the phone, no one is standing there. 

Like I said in the beginning, I’ve not been mentioning this oddness, but now I know I’m not the only one experiencing weirdness. 

Last week, I came back from my lunch break, and my coworker (we share an office) asked me if the blinds had been closed when she arrived.  I told her they were, that I had closed them mid-morning because the sun was beating in and I wanted to try to keep it semi-cool.  She then told me that when she was on the phone, she could have sworn that someone opened the blinds, but when she looked at them they were closed.  We then sat and discussed the fact that this room seems haunted.
I know there’s a reasonable explanation for most everything.  Me thinking that someone is walking behind me is likely the by-product of a change in the air pressure.  My co-worker thinking the blinds were opened was probably the sun hitting them just right.  However, I know that there are some things in this world that are just unexplainable. 

When I shared with the boy that I’m relatively certain my office is haunted, I was met with a decent amount of skepticism. 

To be fair, I understand his skepticism.  He’s been fully exposed to my super overactive imagination.  A few weeks ago, I spent the entire evening watching Mysteries at the Museum and Mysteries at the Monuments, and when it was time to feed the cat and go to bed I freaked out.  I made the boy walk me to the basement and stand there while I fed the cat, and when we went to bed, I wouldn’t let him turn out the lights until I was securely in bed…safe from Charles Dickens’ ghost and aliens.  Mostly from the aliens.  I’m not too concerned about Dickens, unless he decides Great Expectations needs another ending.

 I remember him wearily asking me, “Now, you’re scared of history?”

In my head my reply went something like, “Of course I am.  If we don’t fear the terrible things from the past, how will we learn and not allow such horrors to take place in the future?”  What I actually said went more, “Protect me from the aliens!”

At that point he rolled his eyes, sighed  (I’m sure he was envisioning the future filled with him having to protect me from every ridiculous thing I see on t.v. that’s even slightly scary), and went to sleep.  Leaving me to fight the aliens off with my pillow.

And that is why I understand his reluctance to believe my office is haunted…but it totally is. 

The Joy of Old Cars

Published July 13, 2015 by ia84

When you drive a car that’s barely younger than you are, you tend to have years where everything goes wrong with the car.

About a month before the wedding my car’s transmission went out.  I was on my way to work, and suddenly my car decided that was a terrible idea.  Needless to say (but, hey, I’m gonna say it anyway), I didn’t go to work that day.

At the very end of May, the brakes decided they were mostly dead…while I was driving.

I still think it’s a miracle they didn’t go all dead before I got home.

Today, I was driving home and when I got to the light about two blocks from my house, I noticed white smoke coming out from under the hood, and a burning rubber smell.  I got home, and smoke continued to appear for nearly an hour.  Knowing next to nothing about cars (I can fill it with gas, I know how to put oil in, I know some basic car part names, and that pretty much sums up my car expertise), I came to two conclusions.  A. My car had elected a new pope, or else, B. it was going to catch on fire.  According to people who love me, and know way more about cars, neither A nor B are likely to be the problem. It seems it’s something to do with my radiator.

Which is a shame, because I was really looking forward to Cars 3: The New Popemobile.