Chocolate: 1, Me: 0

Published February 6, 2020 by Malia

People do many things when they feel down. Shop, sleep, drink, sleep around, send text messages to people they absolutely should not be texting. You get the idea. Me?

I eat.

Sometimes I shop, but 98% of the time, I turn to food. It’s been my go to for decades. Does it make me feel better? Yeah. Well, at least it does for a few minutes. And then regret seeps in. Followed by shame. Then I feel even more down than I already did. Which usually leads to more eating. It’s not a unique story by any stretch of the imagination.

Almost a month ago, faced with out of control blood sugar numbers, and severe anxiety about my weight I decided to make one more attempt at losing weight. And since January 14th, I’ve done really well. I’ve lost twenty pounds and stayed completely on plan. I’ve eaten tons of veggies. My blood sugar numbers have been awesome! I’ve resisted pizza, Wendy’s, Arby’s, a giant bowl filled with leftover Christmas chocolate, and piles of baked goods. That’s the short version of an incredibly long list. I have seen myself exercise self-control I really didn’t know I was capable of.

Last Saturday night, I had an incredibly realistic dream. I was tearing my house apart, devouring every little bit of chocolate I could find. I woke up with the most intense chocolate cravings I’ve ever had. I fought it all day Sunday, ending the night by sticking my head in the previously mentioned giant bowl of chocolate and just smelling the chocolate fumes. But the important thing is, I didn’t give in. I didn’t actually eat any. The cravings continued for days. To top it off, I’ve been feeling a lot of stress about work, my stupid fertility issues, and my upcoming root canal. The cravings and stress have started dragging me down into the dark place I don’t like to think or talk about.

I hate the dark place. I know I’ll climb out of it eventually. I’m just hoping I’ll crawl out in a few weeks, instead of a few months. This isn’t my first visit to it, and I know it won’t be my last. I’m not a strong person, but knowing I’ve gotten out of the dark place countless times over the years, helps me hold on. I may sound flippant, but honestly I feel anything but.

Knowing all this, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that last night I gave into the cravings. I ate a ton of chocolate and gummies, both from a Japanese snack box I ordered before deciding to get healthy. A strawberry ice cream popsicle, and three bites of a truly disgusting frozen chimichanga. I came very close to going to Taco Bell and ordering 3/4 of the menu, but it was after 10 pm, and would’ve required the wearing of pants.

By 11 pm the regret and shame had settled in, and I realized that I had two options. Clearly the first (and hopefully last) binge of 2020 hadn’t magically drug me out of the dark place or really made me feel any better. The only good that came of it was that my chocolate cravings were no longer driving me mad. So, my two options were:

A. Fall back into my old norm of binge, feel even worse, binge, feel bad, and repeat ad naseum.

B. Accept that I fell off the wagon, suck it up, and remember the important words from Gone With The Wind, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

So, I woke up today, checked my blood sugar and weight, and hopped back on plan. Nothing magically changed overnight. I’m still in the dark place. I’m still stressed, and honestly I would much rather have had a bagel than my breakfast drink. I can’t promise that I won’t give into my cravings again, because I’m smart enough to know I probably will. I’ll keep facing the same battle, but hopefully I’ll do better the next time I fall off the wagon.

Pin one recipe aimed at pregnant ladies, and suddenly Pinterest has made way off-base assumptions about my current child expectancy situation.

Published February 4, 2018 by Malia

I’m in a quandary.

If you’ve been here over the last month, you know that I’m starting the process of bringing my blood sugar down and getting my diabetes back into the realm of “Controlled.”

I’m making sure I’m taking my meds religiously (even though they make me feel like crap 24/7). Since January 8th, I’ve not had one sugar reading over 200. I’m seeming to stay between 120-140. I know there’s room for improvement, but considering that I was consistently in the 220-240 range a little over a month ago, I’m happy to be where I am.

Not only am I supposed to be lowering my blood sugar numbers, I’m also supposed to be losing weight.

And that’s not happening.

I’m stuck. I’ll lose 5 pounds, and then those five pounds immediately come back. And then I’ll lose them again, just to find them back a few days later. It’s a frustrating, brutal cycle.

I’m stressing out so much about the weight not cooperating (and stress is really, just about the best thing for blood sugar numbers…not!). I’ve only got until the end of March to show improvement, or I’m facing insulin.

I don’t want to go on insulin! It’s not even something I can afford to think about having to do.

So, that’s my quandary. How do I get the weight to come off and stop coming back? It’s not like this is a new challenge, either. I’ve been fighting this losing weight battle for so long now, I’m at my wit’s end.

Dear Bread, it’s not you, it’s me and my inability to metabolize sugars properly.

Published January 15, 2018 by Malia

I have 3 months, kids. 3 months to make good progress on my weight and my A1c, and keep my doctor from putting me on insulin. That may seem like a lot of time, but trust me, it’s not. And I’m terrified and overwhelmed.

It wasn’t until tonight that it really hit just how much this is. I went to the doctor this morning, and I was 100% there, completely motivated to make this happen. However, as the day has worn on, I’ve found myself wanting to run and hide from this reality. I don’t want this to be reality. I’ve been trying to keep it from being reality for nearly six years.

So, I had my last pizza, for the present foreseeable fiture, and went to a movie with my girlfriends. We were a bit loud, a bit inappropriate, but we laughed so much and it was just the best. Then, I came home and the true enormity of all this just hit.

I wish I could just hop in the car and drive across the state to where the boy is working this week. I wish he was sitting here, telling me that I’ve got this. That I can do this. For now, I just have to accept that text messages and phone calls are going to get me through until Friday, and thank God that he’s not gone more than he is.

Also, if anyone can explain the Mediterranean diet to me, that’d be super helpful. Because apparently I’m supposed to be on it, and Pinterest and Google are only serving to overwhelm and confuse me even more regarding it. The only thing they seem to agree on, is that I should be using small, colorful tomatoes in all my cooking. Which is concerning since I only like tomatoes pureed and mixed with a ton of sugar and vinegar.

So, yeah, it’s gonna be a fun 3 months!

Really? Really.

Published April 11, 2015 by Malia

A few posts ago, I shared this picture my friend Katy took…

Nerd points if you can figure out both of our rings!

I love this picture. It’s this cool testament to the nerds/geeks we are. I look at this picture and see the hands of two people who both waited a very long time for their “happily ever after.” (And the foot of a very awesome lady 😉 ) I see these two hands that fit so perfectly together, and are prepared to hold on to each other and fight to stay together.

These hands rock.

Now, nereek (there’s got to be a better, non-made-up word out there for geeky nerds) that I am, I want to share this picture with the world. So, my bright idea was to post it on Imgur. I was thinking, “Ooooo, fellow LOTR fans can see our cool rings!”

So…I posted…and the reaction wasn’t quite what I expected. It immediately got a bunch of down votes. Not because it’s not the best quality photo. Not because The One Ring is silver and not gold. It’s because I have fat fingers.

Really.

Here’s the proof: http://imgur.com/gallery/LUtuKH6

The hilarious thing is, my fingers have been fat for as long as I can remember. They’re a part of my body. If I spent time worrying over the fact that I have fat fingers (or just am fat period), I’d never get anything done…and I’d probably be in a padded room. Yes, I have a weight problem. Yes, I have short, stubby, fat fingers. Clearly the world has not stopped spinning due to this. The fact that people’s initial reaction to my photo is “Sausages” or “Toes” or anything else is kind of baffling to me. Seriously. They’re trying to be cruel, and yet they’re not saying anything that I’ve not thought at one point or another. If you’re going to be a bully, then at least come up with something clever and unique.

Weighty Wednesday: Week 2~Marathon Queen

Published May 21, 2014 by Malia

I’m the queen of the marathon…the movie marathon that is. As they say on How I Met Your Mother, if you don’t marathon Star Wars at least every three years, the Empire wins. Personally, I think if you don’t marathon Lord of the Rings (the extended editions) at least once a year, then Ring might as well have survived Mount Doom and be back on Sauron’s finger. (I agree with the boy, there should be a statute of limitations on spoilers. The books have been out over 50 years, and the movies have been out over a decade. I refuse to put up a spoiler alert).

Here’s the thing, much as I’m into the couch potato marathon, everyone else in my age group seems to be into the marathon that requires actual running. I’ll be honest, I don’t get it. Everyone I know seems to constantly be going on an on about exercising and preparing for races and actually running races. What’s really weird? They actually seem to enjoy it. It seems to make them feel good. Now, I do get up and exercise five days a week. I do it because it’s good for my health, and I’ve found that when I don’t exercise, joints start to hurt (I know that’s an old person thing to say, but it’ true). However, I don’t enjoy exercising. I don’t get any kind of high from the experience. It’s just one of those things that must be done and so I do it.

So, I head into my second week. I’ve worked on really keeping an eye on what I’ve eaten (helped that I had to have more dental work in the middle of the week. Nothing like pain to make you eat less), and I’ve been exercising faithfully. And…I’ve gained weight. On the bright side, my t-shirts feel like they’re fitting a tiny bit looser (not my imagination, they totally are), so I’m going to rule this as a week where the scale doesn’t matter. (Otherwise, I’ll start feeling super depressed and give up, which would be stupid, since I’ve only been at this a week).

Weight to Lose: 111.5 lbs.

Weight to Mini Goal: 12.5 lbs.

Weighty Wednesday: Week 1

Published May 14, 2014 by Malia

Before I get into this post, I have to correct something from my last post. I misremembered (and, yes, I’m totally going to pretend that’s a word) the conversation I had with the boy about Jar Jar. He’s the one who suggested that they mature slower. The boy pointed this out to me, and since he has the better memory, I’m going to go with his version instead of mine. However, all the supposition and thought put into the theory mainly came from me.

Okay, now I feel better. No longer unintentionally claiming thoughts that aren’t mine.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole weight loss thing. There seem to be two schools of thought when it comes to losing the weight (at least among us bigger girls). The first school of thought is that, “This is the size God made me, and ya’ll can just deal with it.” The second is, “Love me the way I am, but support me as I work to get smaller.” I definitely fall into the second group. I know that those who love me the way I am now are people who genuinely love me. However, I have a lot of respect for girls who are in the first group. I know it’s not easy being on the bigger end of the scale, and it takes a lot of self-confidence to be able to stand proud and say, “This is who I am, and I’m not changing!”

So, I gave myself a week. Kind of a last hurrah. Ate junk food, didn’t really exercise, and started to try to do some mental prep for what I know is going to be a decently long journey. In following weeks I’ll make sure my camera is actually charged and my hair isn’t gross, so that I can track my progress via picture. For today, though, both of those things are working against me. So, I’ll just list what my starting goals are, and next week, I’ll share my first week’s progress.

Weight to lose: 110.5 lbs.

Weight to lose until I reach first mini goal: 11.5 lbs.

And now I’m going to go wash my hair, because it really is gross.

18th Time’s the Charm, Right?

Published May 8, 2014 by Malia

I’ve spent the better part of the last decade trying to lose weight, and miserably failing at it. But, for better or for worse, I’m giving it another go. Yes, I do believe there’s a skinny girl inside me. However, it really doesn’t help that said skinny girl simply adores cheesecake. (And brownies, and nachos, and burgers, and, well you get the idea…)

There really isn’t much to this post, other than a general announcement that I’m giving weight loss another attempt. I know Yoda said, “Do or do not, there is no try,” but I don’t think Yoda spent years fighting with a ton of extra weight. However, if he did, that would be a movie I would totally watch. I do know that the last time I saw any smidge of success with weight loss, it was when I was writing about it on here, so I’m going to give that another go as well.

Moving

Published May 3, 2013 by Malia

No, I’m not moving. However, my Mugshot Monday posts are! After much careful consideration, I’ve decided to give my weight loss journey it’s own blog. This, however will remain my main blog (so keep coming here and reading this one). It just occurred to me that as much as I’m struggling to lose, I’m sure there are plenty of others out there in the same boat, so why not share the nitty gritty of my struggle? I’m currently setting up the new blog, and you should totally check it out when it goes live, later today! Here’s the address:

losingomaha.wordpress.com

Alright, I’m off to finish making it pretty 😉

Mugshot Monday~Week 3

Published April 1, 2013 by Malia

I’m so tired of calling it “Weight Loss Monday.” So, instead, from here on out, it’s Mugshot Monday! Camp NaNo, has officially started, so tonight’s entry is going to be short, so I can get back to my story.

This week, there wasn’t great victory on the scale. However, my clothes are fitting way better, and I’m now up to walking four miles a day! I think this next week will definitely show some loss on the scale. My main victory was that I didn’t gain.

This was me on January 7th, 2013.

This is April 1st, 2013. I may just be seeing things, but I think my face looks like it’s got a little more shape.

So, I’m 6.7 lbs away from Skyfall. Here’s hoping that changes after this week!

Weight Loss Monday~Week 2

Published March 25, 2013 by Malia

No, you’re not reading the title wrong. Yes, I did a series of these posts last fall, but honestly I fell off the bandwagon, and instead of picking up where I left off, it’s just easier to start again. Since I forgot to post last Monday, I’m just starting where I’m currently at.

I decided to get serious about losing a few weeks ago when I realized just how much I’ve been using my weight as a protection against people. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Unlike last fall, I’m not trying to do this all on my own. I’ve actually joined a weight loss program, and it’s requiring a lot more accountability than just doing blog posts. The first week was rough, I did gain, but it wasn’t even a pound so I can’t be too upset. I did, however, lose four pounds over this last week. As of right now, here’s what my loss looks like:

3/9/13: First Check~110.3 lbs to go
3/16/13: Week 1~110.6 lbs to go (I gained? How?)
3/23/13: Week 2~106.8 lbs to go (Yay! I lost! I bought The Hobbit to celebrate!)

I don’t have mugshots for tonight. Still trying to figure out where to take them in my house. I don’t have the room available to me that I had in my dorm room. I’ll figure out something by next week, though, so I can update ya’ll on what I’m looking like.

One thing I’m trying this time is focusing on losing 10 lbs at a time. 110 lbs is really overwhelming and can seem quite impossible. I plan to reward myself when I reach each 10 lb goal with a new movie. When I reach 25, 50, & 75 lbs, I’ll be rewarding myself with seasons of my favorite tv shows. Right now, I’m making my way towards Skyfall. In order to afford this, I’m taking the money that I’d normally put into the work vending machine or fast food drive-thru and setting it aside. Six more pounds and Skyfall is mine!

Any Second Now...

This will all make sense?

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