Tonight, after work, I got to go have pie…with my boyfriend! And he even realizes that I refer to him as that. Which makes it totally more awesome, and makes me sound like a teenager. And I’m okay with all of that.
I’m 29 and I have a boyfriend. My first boyfriend. I’ve never actually been in an official relationship before, so this is all really new to me. Which explains the fact that apparently I’ve been smiling a lot and giggling about the dumbest stuff on a pretty regular basis. I’ve never actually gotten to use the words “boyfriend” “girlfriend” in any relation to my personage before. It’s new, and really kind of wonderful.
You know what I’m really enjoying? The communication. There are no games. He knows that I had a freak-out moment last Thursday, and that didn’t freak him out. (Which is good.) He doesn’t talk down to me, and he listens to me. Even to my disgusting work stories.
About that freak-out last Thursday. I have a fear of being happy, and I tend to sabotage any possibilities of happiness. Yeah, it’s as messed up as it sounds. I fear that if I am happy, it will all go away immediately, and I’ll be left devastated. I’ve had plenty of experiences to back up this fear. Which makes it really hard to get beyond. Last Thursday, I found my brain playing the game of “Yeah, you’re happy now, but just wait, it’s all going to be gone so very, very soon.” I ended up talking this out via text with my “sister” (she’s my sister, just not by blood). I related to her my fear that I was going to sabotage this. As I was venting out my feelings a thought occurred to me. Is God still God, still in control, and still good, if I do get hurt again? I thought on this for a long while, and finally acknowledged that the answer is “yes”. This led to the thought, “I am the daughter of the most high King, and He wants good things for me.” All the leading I’ve received from Him leads me to believe that this relationship really is of Him and really is a good thing. Ever since I acknowledged to myself that I really do believe that God wants good things for me, I’ve had complete peace about this relationship. And I’m not even worrying that much that I might do something to ruin it.
So, I’m going to enjoy getting to say that I’m a girlfriend (even though, I really have no idea how one goes about being a girlfriend), and I’m going to do my best to live in the present. Enjoy the time I get to spend with this man, and be patient. God’s timing is perfect, and I’m going to enjoy being happy and at peace.