hope

All posts tagged hope

It’s been a long weird decade

Published December 31, 2019 by ia84

12/31/09. If you had asked me what my life would look like ten years in the future, I would’ve given you an answer that bears little resemblance to what actually happened.

How has it turned out? Let me see…

-I’ve lived in two different states.

-I’ve worked in two different medical labs.

-I got married.

-I discovered that I’m actually a dog person (I still like cats, but dogs are my favorite).

-I’ve discovered a genuine love of crafting.

-I’ve had two surgeries.

-I’ve had miscarriages.

-I’ve lost the best grandparents in the world.

-I’ve experienced evolution of relationships with both family and friends.

-I’ve learned to think for myself.

-I’ve learned hard truths about myself.

-I’ve been given gifts I never expected that have quite literally changed my life and given me back hope that I lost long ago.

Life has mountains and valleys. The last decade was filled with mostly valley, and as much as it hurt, as much as it tried to destroy me, I’m ending the decade able to say, “I’m still here.” I can’t say I’m ending the decade a better person, but I’m definitely ending it more self-aware and in touch with the world around me.

So, what about the next ten years? Honestly, I don’t know what life will look like a decade from now. If God gives me another ten years (which I really pray He does), I know that I don’t want to waste them. I don’t want to reach 12/31/29 and find that I’ve accomplished nothing. I do know that for the first time in my life I have a dream of something that I want to do, that’s not just a pipe dream (I know I’m being a bit vague, and I intend to flesh this out in upcoming posts). I know that I have certain talents, and I’ve got a calling on my heart to use those talents, and to give. I know what gives me joy, and what my purpose is. Now the trick is to dive in and not give into my fear of failure.

I survived the decade.

I want to thrive in the next.

New Year, Better Me

Published January 1, 2017 by ia84

The first Sunday, this past November, I received two blows of bad news before I’d headed to church that morning. I’d cried all through service.  Then my parents took me to lunch, and I continued to cry.  Somewhere in the middle of my blubbering, I choked out the words, “I have no hope left.”  

I was so scared.  The depression pit I had been fighting all year wasn’t a new abode for me.  Sure, it’d been a few years since I’d last gotten trapped there, but at least I knew I’d eventually escape.  However, the feeling that all hope, even the hope that I’d eventually feel hope again, had been used up.  Suddenly, the depression pit was a lot deeper, darker, and scarier than it’d ever been.  

As November progressed I cried, a lot.  Usually the tears were due to fear anout the future, but sometimes they were due to frustration or anger or exhaustion (or a combination of all of the above).  The days drug by, and I felt completely immobilized by my depression and anxiety.  Most days I’ve considered it a victory when I get out of bed.  

This last week, has been a bit less dark, and I’m slowly starting to feel like I might be able to pull it together.  But I’m scared.  I’m terrified that depression and hopelessness will suddenly rear up and drag me down into an even deeper and darker pit.  

So, I’ve set some goals for myself for this new year.  Goals that, I hope, will help keep me from completely disappearing into the pit.  I want to get healthy, mentally and physically for myself and for the boy.  The poor, long-suffering boy who loves me so fiercly, and has been there holding on to me through all of this.

1.  Make sure the dirty dish side of the sink is empty every night before I go to bed.

2. Up my water intake.  I really want to try the gallon of water a day challenge, but I’m not sure I’m ready, so I’m starting by just drinking more water period (fairly easy considerimg I rarely drink water).

3.  Rejoin the gym and go five days a week.

4.  Leave the tv off for the better part of the day.

5.  Practice flute, clarinet, and trombone thirty minutes a day five days a week.  Practice trumpet and piano one hour five days a week. 

6.  Write for at least an hour five days a week. 

7. Do one thing in the house that qualifies as cleaning or organizing everyday. 

8.  Limit consumption of soda/junk food/fast food.  

9.  When possible, eat one family meal a week at the dining room table with the tv off, instead of on the couch with the tv on.

I feel that these are all things I can actually stick to, and hopefully with this plan of action 2017 will be amazing!

Diagnosis: Employed

Published January 3, 2013 by ia84

The rumors are true.  I finally have a job.  Not just any job, a full time job at a medical lab.  Next to my dream of being paid to travel all over the world and get paid for it, this is pretty much my dream job.  I cried when I got the official “We’d like to offer you the job” call.  This really is such a weight off my mind.  Knowing that I’m going to be able to pay my bills and face the future with a little more hope just makes me all sorts of happy!

And now, here’s a random picture of Aragorn preparing to do battle against my new (and possibly favorite) mug:

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