Stress

All posts tagged Stress

Progress

Published May 24, 2021 by Malia

I’m starting this post with a Trigger Warning for suicidal ideation. I’ve been debating writing about this for the last few days, and decided to go ahead with it. As always when I write an out this stuff, I like to include the following reminder: Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741).

Well, it’s been a full week since the official diagnosis of the Big C.

I wish the C stood for “Cookie” in this case.

It’s been a week of processing. I’ll admit, I’ve been very surprised by how much grief I’ve been experiencing. I know I mentioned the grief last week, but I’m still surprised by it. The worst part of processing grief? It’s not linear.

Everyday seems to come with a different feeling. I’ll have a day of sadness, followed by a day of anger and bargaining, followed by sadness, followed by acceptance, followed by sadness. Been feeling sad quite a lot of the time. However, I noticed something on Saturday.

Through all of this, I have not experienced a desire to unalive myself. Usually, when I’m going through high stress, my brain begins this attack of constantly telling me that it would be better if I wasn’t here. That the pain and stress would go away. I spent most of May 2020 through January 2021 dealing with my brain constantly harassing me to just be done with life. It was exhausting, and part of what ultimately led to me deciding not to return to my job.

I’m not saying that I’m cured. I don’t think I am. But I do take it as a positive sign that I am making progress with my mental health.

I’m not okay, and that’s okay.

Published May 20, 2021 by Malia

I went to therapy this morning.

I hadn’t been in a few months, and I realized on Monday, after getting Tom’s official cancer diagnosis from the doctor, that I really needed a session. 

I’m just so overwhelmed by my feelings at present. Since I have a really bad habit of refusing to acknowledge what I’m feeling and just squashing them down deep inside, I’m trying to break that.

Here’s the thing about therapy. I appreciate it. It’s been amazingly helpful. It is not fun. I don’t walk out and immediately feel better. But there’s something about sitting in a judgement free zone, talking about what I’m thinking that really makes a difference.

I’m learning that it’s okay to feel all the feelings. It’s okay to be sad or angry or frustrated or any other emotion that sweeps over me. It’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and give name to them. The important thing is what I do with those feelings.

I think it’s important to point out that just because I’m facing some dark feelings, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope or my faith. I’m still reeling from feeling blindsided by all this, plus I’m grieving right now. I’m still dealing with some grief over my old job. I’m grieving my lost babies. I’m grieving putting dreams on hold. And I’m grieving Tom’s kidney. I’m sure that sounds absurd, but that’s just how things are right now.

So, what about Tom? He’s always been incredibly supportive of me getting mental health help. He knows that I’m equally supportive of him seeking help. But doing so is a very personal choice. So, I check in on him regularly, and the door is open if he decides he does want to talk to a professional.

Things are hard, but we will get through it.

Some days adulting is really difficult.

Published May 18, 2021 by Malia

I have an appointment with the endocrinologist today, and I am dreading it.

They asked that I turn in my blood sugar numbers from the last two weeks. Since I currently wear a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM) that means what they have is every single blood sugar number my cgm has reported every five minutes for the last 14 days, and it ain’t pretty.

To be fair, I’ve spent the last two weeks in high stress mode. First, I was waiting for Tom’s surgery, and then there was the surgery, followed by days of waiting for results and caring for him. Then there’s the whole official cancer diagnosis. To top it off, I’m trying to compose an appeal letter to the insurance company because they determined that the necessary CT scan Tom had to have of his kidney is only necessary but not medically necessary (I’m still trying to wrap my head around that). And while I know things could be so much worse, and I am grateful that things have gone relatively well, it’s all been very high stress.

If you don’t have to deal with blood sugar monitoring, then you may not be aware of how stress messes with blood sugar. Even if I exercise and eat correctly, my numbers are all over the place. For example, on Saturday my numbers yo-yo’d all day. I went from 108 to 165 to 124 to 230 to 140 and so on. It was exhausting and frustrating.

I’m hoping they just give me a pass at the appointment since I’m currently going through this life experience. I’m genuinely trying to make positive changes in my health, but I’m also trying to keep myself from falling into a depression spiral. I’m just doing the best I can.

P.S. I’m running a giveaway on my Facebook page for some of my greeting cards. Check it out: In A Pinch Grab Bag Giveaway

I can’t sleep, so I might as well play Fallout.

Published May 10, 2021 by Malia

Kids, the insomnia is bad.  I even gave in and took the meds that normally help me sleep and so far…I’m wide awake.  I suppose I might be just the tiniest bit stressed about Thursday. 

That’s right, it’s surgery week!  We are officially in the homestretch. 

The more I think about it, the weirder this experience seems.  Kidney cancer.  The word cancer immediately brings to mind a whole list of awful components.  Chemo, long hospital stays, surgeries, death. And that’s just the first few things I can think of. I’m quite grateful that it seems the cancer had been caught before it spreads. The urologist told us that Tom’s not looking at anything like chemo or radiation for now. It’s very likely that if surgery goes well that will be all that’s needed. This last few weeks has been an overwhelming whirlwind.

This week feels crazy, and it hasn’t truly begun.

Just call us Sarek and Amanda.

Published May 3, 2021 by Malia

I’m going to be very frank with all of you. I’m not in a good headspace currently. Call it a pity party, call it being overwhelmed. I honestly don’t care what you call it. It’s probably all accurate.

Since the news regarding Tom has been made public, I’ve had a lot of people in my life make comments about how we’re being so strong, and how we have such a good attitude about all this. These are all incredibly kind things to say, and I know that they’re said with love. And to be fair, I am actually feeling fairly positive about the outcome of all this. That said…

I don’t think I’m strong. Currently, I’m exhausted, sad, and beat up. I feel like Tom and I are walking around with targets on us that the universe is taking full advantage of. Kind of like that old Far Side cartoon with the deer that had a target on it and another deer says, “Bummer of a birthmark.”

Even though my brain knows that there’s not much reason to be concerned about the surgery, and I know I can’t sway the outcome one way or another by how I feel, I’ve come to realize that I’m scared about it. I’ll be so glad when Tom is out of surgery and awake.

We have a joke in our house that Tom is a Vulcan and I’m a human (think Spock’s parents). He has very little emotion about anything, and it very rarely shows up. Whereas, I’m filled with all the emotions all the time.

I know they won’t officially diagnosed Tom with cancer until they have the kidney out and had a chance to do the lab work on the tumor. I know that as far as cancer goes, we’re not facing nearly as much scary stuff as so many do. Even so, it’s scary. Really scary.

Sorry I’m such a downer today. I promise to be a bit better tomorrow.

Sleepy Malia

Published May 1, 2021 by Malia

I guess I was more stressed out by this last week than I though I was.  I remember waking up this morning, but I had a rough night with my stomach, and wasn’t feeling quite ready to get up.

I went back to sleep.  I dreamed that I was back being a pastor’s kid.  The church was on fire, and we were trying to get things out of the building. (Clearly this dream has no deeper meanings 😅).

I woke to Tom shaking me awake. At first I thought it was just a few hours later. Turns out it was 5:30 pm. I slept the whole day away. I haven’t done that in a super long time. And now it’s almost 11 pm, and my body is torn. Physically I’m still exhausted, but mentally my brain is now wide awake. So, I guess I’ll go do some laundry to pass the time.

Chocolate: 1, Me: 0

Published February 6, 2020 by Malia

People do many things when they feel down. Shop, sleep, drink, sleep around, send text messages to people they absolutely should not be texting. You get the idea. Me?

I eat.

Sometimes I shop, but 98% of the time, I turn to food. It’s been my go to for decades. Does it make me feel better? Yeah. Well, at least it does for a few minutes. And then regret seeps in. Followed by shame. Then I feel even more down than I already did. Which usually leads to more eating. It’s not a unique story by any stretch of the imagination.

Almost a month ago, faced with out of control blood sugar numbers, and severe anxiety about my weight I decided to make one more attempt at losing weight. And since January 14th, I’ve done really well. I’ve lost twenty pounds and stayed completely on plan. I’ve eaten tons of veggies. My blood sugar numbers have been awesome! I’ve resisted pizza, Wendy’s, Arby’s, a giant bowl filled with leftover Christmas chocolate, and piles of baked goods. That’s the short version of an incredibly long list. I have seen myself exercise self-control I really didn’t know I was capable of.

Last Saturday night, I had an incredibly realistic dream. I was tearing my house apart, devouring every little bit of chocolate I could find. I woke up with the most intense chocolate cravings I’ve ever had. I fought it all day Sunday, ending the night by sticking my head in the previously mentioned giant bowl of chocolate and just smelling the chocolate fumes. But the important thing is, I didn’t give in. I didn’t actually eat any. The cravings continued for days. To top it off, I’ve been feeling a lot of stress about work, my stupid fertility issues, and my upcoming root canal. The cravings and stress have started dragging me down into the dark place I don’t like to think or talk about.

I hate the dark place. I know I’ll climb out of it eventually. I’m just hoping I’ll crawl out in a few weeks, instead of a few months. This isn’t my first visit to it, and I know it won’t be my last. I’m not a strong person, but knowing I’ve gotten out of the dark place countless times over the years, helps me hold on. I may sound flippant, but honestly I feel anything but.

Knowing all this, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that last night I gave into the cravings. I ate a ton of chocolate and gummies, both from a Japanese snack box I ordered before deciding to get healthy. A strawberry ice cream popsicle, and three bites of a truly disgusting frozen chimichanga. I came very close to going to Taco Bell and ordering 3/4 of the menu, but it was after 10 pm, and would’ve required the wearing of pants.

By 11 pm the regret and shame had settled in, and I realized that I had two options. Clearly the first (and hopefully last) binge of 2020 hadn’t magically drug me out of the dark place or really made me feel any better. The only good that came of it was that my chocolate cravings were no longer driving me mad. So, my two options were:

A. Fall back into my old norm of binge, feel even worse, binge, feel bad, and repeat ad naseum.

B. Accept that I fell off the wagon, suck it up, and remember the important words from Gone With The Wind, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

So, I woke up today, checked my blood sugar and weight, and hopped back on plan. Nothing magically changed overnight. I’m still in the dark place. I’m still stressed, and honestly I would much rather have had a bagel than my breakfast drink. I can’t promise that I won’t give into my cravings again, because I’m smart enough to know I probably will. I’ll keep facing the same battle, but hopefully I’ll do better the next time I fall off the wagon.

When Life Feels Too Much

Published January 24, 2019 by Malia

I woke up at 4 a.m. this morning, and it took me until 9:30 a.m. to drag myself out of bed.  I’m struggling right now.  And it occurs to me that I’m probably not the only one.

If you are…

-Trying to figure out how you’re going to pay bills with money you don’t have

-Rationing your meds because even if you do have insurance, you can’t afford refills

-Eating as little as possible, cause groceries are an expense you can’t really afford right now

-Feeling strangled by your debts

-Stressed out because you keep trying to do things the right way, and life just keeps knocking you down

-A payment or more behind on your mortgage and/or bills

-Terrified your utilities are going to get turned off

-Wondering how you’re going to buy diapers

-Exhausted by your school loans

-Questioning how far your car can get on less than a quarter of a tank of gas

-Going through something I haven’t listed

-Feeling overwhelmed by everything, and considering just giving up

Then, let me say, you’re not alone.  I know there are a ton of people struggling right now. Please, don’t give up.  Eventually, things will get better.  I know that sounds like an empty platitude, but I’ve been down this road before, and I know that things will turn around.

If you’re genuinely considering ending it all, please reach out for help.  Call 1-800-273-8255 to reach the Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  If talking on the phone isn’t your comfort zone, text HOME to 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line.

And if you’re in a season of life where things are going along pretty smoothly, please be willing to be there for those around you who are having a rough time.

 

 

 

Totally Doing A Great Job of Writing Regularly…

Published January 17, 2015 by Malia

There’s something about publicly announcing I’m going to blog more regularly that seems to send my brain into rebellion and causes me to blog even less frequently than I was.  Which strikes me as completely ridiculous.  So, just to be safe, I’m done making proclamations regarding how frequently I’m going to write or how much weight I am going to lose. 

So, this is how I’m spending the wee hours of Saturday morning…

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I’m hanging out at the comic book store while the boy participates in the midnight pre-release of the next set of Magic cards.  This is actually a pretty big deal among those who play.  Some of these people will be here until five or six a.m., and then be back in a few hours to play for several more hours.  I’m not playing because I really, really, really, REALLY stink.  I make the worst players look like experts.  After a brain frying day at work I’m just not in any mental state to play a strategy card game.  However, I do enjoy hanging out and supporting the boy and getting lots of reading done.  I love that I can sit in the corner and read for hours on end, and no one cares or tried to bug me. 

Also, I’ll be honest, it’s a nice break from wedding stress.  I’m only 56 days away from the wedding, and my anxiety is through the roof.  I’m really excited about the future and the wedding, please don’t think I’m not.  However, there’s so much new and different that is headed towards me at break-neck speed and it’s a little scary.  I’m moving in with a boy.  That’s a definitely a first.  I’m gaining a whole pile of relatives all at once.  I’m changing my name.  I’m going to have to give up my wild, single girl habits (Translation: I have to start showing some restraint in the Kindle book purchasing).  This is only the short list, there are so many other things I could be listing off, but the goal is to not be stressing at the moment, so the list ends here.

56 days is not a very long amount of time…maybe I should start thinking about packing…

A Comedy of Errors

Published June 23, 2014 by Malia

I’m sure that this will be funny in a few days, but right now I just feel sad.  This morning, I got up and exercised.  I napped (wasn’t feeling very good, and I knew it would be a late night because we were short staffed at work), and then had lunch with my parents.  After that I showered and got ready for work.  And then I looked at my phone for the first time since getting up.  I had missed a text from the boy.

And then I was sad.

Normally, this wouldn’t make me sad, but he’s been super busy at work.  They’ve been gearing up to do inventory (which takes place this week), and so I’ve not seen him in a week.  Sadly, if I had actually checked my phone earlier in the day, I would’ve gotten to see him today.  Which is why I’m sad.  I miss him. Which is not the easiest thing in the world to admit, because I like to pretend I’m a lot tougher than I am.  Doesn’t change the fact that I miss him.

I’m trying really hard not to be an annoyance or a nag.  I know he’s under a lot of stress, and I don’t want to add to it.  I’m really happy he has a job.  I have a lot of respect for the fact that he works as hard as he does.  And I’m super happy that inventory doesn’t take place more frequently than it does.