Mom says that when I was born, I had this worried little look on my face. Apparently it was such a good impression of my dead great-grandmother, it earned me the instant nickname, “Little Wilma.” (Wilma was the dead great-grandmother, and apparently was a bit of a worrywart. I felt I should probably clarify that). I didn’t used to think I deserved the nickname. Lately, though, I’m starting to think I do.
A few years ago, I went through the terrifying experience of being unemployed for over a year (after being employed at what I thought was a long term job for 3.5 years). It was at the end of that year that I went back to school for a year and a half. The time from when my last “real” job ended until I was employed at my current job was two and a half years. It was a horrible time in my life, especially the first year when I was job hunting. I came to believe that I was the most worthless waste of space on planet Earth. It didn’t help that there’s was this constant thought in my head that I didn’t even deserve to have a roof over my head. Even now, I’m very aware of the fact that I should have been homeless.
When I got hired at my current job, I was so excited. It was my dream job. Working in a lab. Wearing a lab coat. Being an integral part of the medical community, but not having to actually deal with patients (just, y’know, what comes out of their bodies). Even now, just over a year there, I still get excited that I get to work there. However, with the excitement comes a whole slew of other emotions.
I’m really scared and stressed out. Every day, I’m filled with panic because I love my job so much, and I don’t want to lose it. And the funny thing is, that’s not even something I’m looking at having happen. Everything has been really good. My co-workers are great. My boss is great. The work is fantastic. My last job and those years of unemployment just messed me up so bad, I’m really struggling. I have a co-worker that has told me, more than once, that I need to “lighten up,” and I wish I could tell him how badly I want to be able to.
Not only that, but I wish I could figure out how to lighten up. I’ve basically got six years of baggage hanging over my head that I’m trying to figure out how to deal with. I really want to be able to let down my guard and start letting my co-workers in, because right now I’m not sure I seem to terribly different from the Ice Queen, Lady Mary.
Actually, school isn’t that bad. I’m feeling slightly panicky, but I keep taking deep breaths and telling myself it’s not as scary as it seems. I’m not very good at adjusting to new changes and I usually end up running away. Even if they’re for the positive (a small part of the reason I’m so delightfully single).
So, I have a confession. I will probably take a few weeks to get into the swing of this new schedule and a routine down for my homework. This means that my weekend posts will continue much like the posts up until now, but my weekday posts will be short and sweet, and probably contain a video that I’m currently loving.
Tonight’s video is a very cool one that I’ve listened to several times this week. It just makes me happy. I love that while there is some singing, the focus is the piano.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not the biggest sports fan. I don’t usually, voluntarily, sit for hours on end watching people play with balls. All that changes, though, when it comes to the Olympics. I love the Olympics! I love watching sports that typically don’t get a lot of press. I love the soft human interest stories. I cry when the underdog wins. I cry when our (USA) athletes do phenomenal. I cheer for the girl’s gymnastics team, and for Michael Phelps to win just one more medal. (Seriously, they should just put him on all the cereal boxes at this point.) However, I think I’ve hit an Olympic sized wall.
Tonight, I was disheartened by the bad sportsmanship of the commentators during the women’s volleyball game. The U.S. ladies were playing Serbia, and one of the commentators read something that one of the U.S. coaches had said regarding Serbia being a worthy team to play against. The commentator then went on this tangent about how he thought that the coach must be drinking the Kool-Aid, because some teams just aren’t worthy. Seriously? Sure, I was cheering for the U.S., but I wasn’t sitting there thinking, “Serbia should’ve just stayed home, they look ridiculous.” I can tell you that all those girls on the Serbia team are a million times better at volleyball than I am (granted, that’s not probably the best comparison). Considering how far they’d gotten in these games, they deserved more respect than that commentator gave them.
My other issue tonight, the one that told me that I probably need a break, was the fact that when I saw they were going to show Men’s Trampoline finals, I couldn’t wait to see them, and was over the top disappointed when they only showed 5 minutes of the competition. I enjoy watching the trampoline routines. They’re scary, but so much fun. I guess NBC only showed what they did because we had no one in medal contention, but still, they shouldn’t have listed it and kept mentioning it for such a brief showing.
I’ll be back watching them tomorrow night, but I’ll be taking a break during the day.
It occurred to me today that I’ve only got two more weeks at home before heading back north. I’ve got to pack, and get my last hang out times in with my friends and family. I’m really looking forward to this next school year, but I’m also incredibly nervous. I know I shouldn’t be, but in some ways school is much more intimidating when you’re older than when you’re fresh out of high school.
Now, it’s time for sleep.
The other day I read this list on Pinterest of “ways to lose weight.” On the list was, “Start a Blog.” Well, it occurred to me that I didn’t need to start a blog, because I created this blog about a year ago. I had this idea that I’d blog about moving away from home and going back to school as an “old lady.” Well, I think I only had one blog entry, and it ended up getting deleted because it was written in anger and frustration. I sounded like a whiny baby. However, the blog remains. It’s pretty much unused, and since I’m considering this new school year a restart, I’m going to attempt to do what I was going to do a year ago. So, here’s to a new school year, and the goal of a successfully up-kept blog.
*Results are inconclusive at this point.