Emotions

All posts tagged Emotions

I’m not okay, and that’s okay.

Published May 20, 2021 by Malia

I went to therapy this morning.

I hadn’t been in a few months, and I realized on Monday, after getting Tom’s official cancer diagnosis from the doctor, that I really needed a session. 

I’m just so overwhelmed by my feelings at present. Since I have a really bad habit of refusing to acknowledge what I’m feeling and just squashing them down deep inside, I’m trying to break that.

Here’s the thing about therapy. I appreciate it. It’s been amazingly helpful. It is not fun. I don’t walk out and immediately feel better. But there’s something about sitting in a judgement free zone, talking about what I’m thinking that really makes a difference.

I’m learning that it’s okay to feel all the feelings. It’s okay to be sad or angry or frustrated or any other emotion that sweeps over me. It’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and give name to them. The important thing is what I do with those feelings.

I think it’s important to point out that just because I’m facing some dark feelings, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope or my faith. I’m still reeling from feeling blindsided by all this, plus I’m grieving right now. I’m still dealing with some grief over my old job. I’m grieving my lost babies. I’m grieving putting dreams on hold. And I’m grieving Tom’s kidney. I’m sure that sounds absurd, but that’s just how things are right now.

So, what about Tom? He’s always been incredibly supportive of me getting mental health help. He knows that I’m equally supportive of him seeking help. But doing so is a very personal choice. So, I check in on him regularly, and the door is open if he decides he does want to talk to a professional.

Things are hard, but we will get through it.

Well, Today Happened…

Published April 1, 2014 by Malia

Sometimes, the best that can be said about a day, is that I got through it in one piece.  If today had walls, I’m pretty sure there would be fingernail claw marks on those walls.  And why is this?

Well, today was one week since I had the big root canal.  Woot woot.  I had a pretty bad reaction to the meds I got sent home on, so I’ve been treating the pain with copious amounts of  ibuprofen.  Now, if you know anything about ibuprofen, taking copious amounts of it for long periods of time is not exactly recommended.  So, over the last three days I’ve been working to wean myself off the ibuprofen, and today I decided to try to go cold turkey.  It actually went better than expected.  The pain is pretty much down to a dull ache, which is totally tolerable.  The only really rough moment came when I decided to try to chew gum.  Yeah, that was quite painful.  On the plus side, Dr. Pepper bubblegum actually does taste like Dr. Pepper.  Pain wise the day was okay.  Emotionally, the day stunk.

This always happens the first day I go cold turkey after being on meds.  I so rarely have to take meds, I really don’t handle them well.  Basically, the first day off, my emotions go completely bonkers.  Everything feels very extreme.  I always feel completely worthless (which I’m not).  I always feel like everyone one hates me (which they don’t).  I get really shaky and feel like I’m going to burst into tears any moment.  It’s a nasty cycle.  Fortunately, the first day is always the worst.  Tomorrow will be better.

In other news, today was the first of April, which means the first Camp NaNoWriMo of the year has officially started.  And I have officially written ZERO words.  Go me.  I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to write about, but I’m sure something will come to me eventually.  It’s more about the exercise of writing than anything.   Although, I’m currently feeling like this when I face the blank paper I’m attempting to fill with words…

The Wheels Of My Mind Are Trying To Turn, But The Hamster Might Be Dead

Published February 12, 2014 by Malia

And if you think that title makes no sense, you have probably had quite a bit more sleep than I have in the last 48 hours.  Things are happening in my life.  For once, it’s things that are good, but they are things I really didn’t expect.  To top it off, they are things I really don’t want to screw up.

Here’s the question I’ve been struggling with.  Have you ever had something become a very real possibility, and even though it was something you never expected, you realize it’s something you desperately want?  Not only that, but once you’ve realized that, you’ve become terrified at the thought of it not becoming a reality?

A few weeks ago I was writing about feeling numb.  I don’t know what happened, but in the last few days my emotions have awoken from their dormant state, and returned with fervor.  I’m now so overwhelmed with feelings I’m struggling a bit to make sense of all of them.  However, I will make sense of them, and everything is going to be okay.

Like I said, good things are happening.  Hopefully, sleep will happen as well.

How do you feel?

Published January 25, 2014 by Malia

At the beginning of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, we see Spock retraining his brain on Vulcan.  The computer is running him through all these exercises, and then it stops and says, “How do you feel?”  Spock becomes quizzical and replies, “I do not understand the question.”  Spock’s mom then shows up and explains how being half-human means he has feelings.  This leads into a discussion about the illogical-ness of human feelings.  

And then Spock and his friends go back to 1984 to get some whales.  

I’m  ashamed to admit it, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit numb.  Okay, that’s an understatement.  I am numb.  It’s been coming on gradually, and it’s really been the last two days that I’ve noticed how numb I’ve gotten (I’m not really sure how long this has been going on, either.  I do know it’s been a long time since I truly felt anything.). Emotion-wise, I literally feel nothing.  I don’t feel happy, or sad, or sympathetic, or anything that I should be feeling.  In fact, when I get into situations where I need to show some sort of emotion, I find myself mentally saying, “This is a sad situation.  Be sad.  Remember sadness?  You need to act like you feel that way right now.” 

Unfortunately, I think my brain is just wired wrong.  No matter what emotion I tell myself I should at least act like I’m feeling, the completely wrong one makes an appearance.  As of right now, I’m sure that there are probably some who think I need to be locked up in the loony bin.  Normal people don’t smile when they talk about how a family member has just died (y’know, unless the dead family member was horrible, which hasn’t been the case regarding my dead family members).  

I wasn’t always this way.  I used to feel emotions.  I used to care.  The thing is, it’s been a brutal ten years.  Ever since March of 2004, for every moment of happiness, there’s been overwhelming heartbreak (and yes, I know some of it has been my own fault, and I’ll gladly take responsibility for it, but quite a bit of it hasn’t).  I think I’ve been trying to defend against further heartbreak by giving myself an emotional lobotomy.  If I can’t feel, then I can’t be hurt anymore, right?  I know it’s a bad way to handle things, and completely immature.

 Fortunately, I never said I was mature.

 However, I am interested in remaining a member of the human race.  Which means, like Spock, I must rediscover my humanity.  Because, like Spock, when the end of the movie comes, I would like to be able to say, “Tell her…I feel fine.”  

Random Saturday Musings

Published October 20, 2012 by Malia

-Saw The Blair Witch Project for the first time tonight.  Gotta say, A. they had no clue what direction south is, and B. I hated the fact that I disliked the characters so much I didn’t care if something bad happened to them.  Interesting film, though.  I remember when it first came out, and everyone thought it was actual footage of a real tragedy.  And, now, I feel old.

-I really enjoy making fun things on my loom.  It’s very therapeutic.

-I’ve really been struggling, emotionally, with this whole chronic disease diagnosis.  I feel like as soon as I start wrapping my head around it and accepting it, I immediately head back to being angry or sad.  The other night, I was laying in bed, and all I could think of is how much it must suck for those people who get diagnosed with something really severe, like cancer.  I can’t even begin to imagine what hell their emotions play on them.  In some ways, I feel that I’m supposed to be learning empathy through this.  I tend to be really guarded, and even when I feel bad for someone and what their going through (especially with disease) I hold back from being there for them.  I hope I’m not driving people crazy with my constant writing on here about this whole diabetes thing.  I know I’ve been using my entries to process the emotional turmoil I’m going through.  Honestly, it’s scary.  It’s really scary.  I had no idea what people really go through.  My heart truly goes out to people who have it way worse.  I feel like I barely qualify to be saying, “I’ve got a chronic disease.”

–Mothman Prophecies has got to be one of my all time favorite movies.  It’s so freaky, and it’s almost all mental.  It doesn’t rely on gore, it relies mostly on the unseen.  Is there really anything scarier than what our own imaginations come up with?