Numb

All posts tagged Numb

A First Time For Everything

Published March 27, 2014 by ia84

Last Friday night I got to do something I’ve never done before.  I got to experience hand holding.  I’m sure that to most people this may not seem like a very big deal, but to me it was fantastic!  There’s something very sweet and special about being 29 and getting to experience this sort of stuff for the first time.  What others take for granted, is new and wonderful to me.

It’s definitely been a week of firsts.  First time holding hands, and first time having a root canal.

I ended up going to the dentist on Tuesday (after spending most of the night laying in bed with pain radiating up and down the side of my face), and it was determined that root canal was needed.  I know I mentioned that financially it wasn’t the best option for me, but I ended up deciding that I was just going to make it work, somehow.  I was so terrified going into it.  I totally trust my dentist, but I was genuinely scared of having a root canal.  I’ve always heard such awful stories, and I didn’t want to experience one of those.

Laying there in the chair, as the dentist worked, I found a spot on the ceiling and stared intently at it.  I began repeating Psalm 56:3 (“What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.”) and 2 Timothy 1:7 (“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”) over and over.  After several minutes, I was sure we were nearing the actual bad part of the root canal, and to my surprise, the hygienist looked at me and said, “He’s all done with the root canal.”  That’s right, I wasn’t even aware that what I was terrified of  had actually been completed.  Yay for Bible verses, awesome dentists, and excellent numbing!

The Wheels Of My Mind Are Trying To Turn, But The Hamster Might Be Dead

Published February 12, 2014 by ia84

And if you think that title makes no sense, you have probably had quite a bit more sleep than I have in the last 48 hours.  Things are happening in my life.  For once, it’s things that are good, but they are things I really didn’t expect.  To top it off, they are things I really don’t want to screw up.

Here’s the question I’ve been struggling with.  Have you ever had something become a very real possibility, and even though it was something you never expected, you realize it’s something you desperately want?  Not only that, but once you’ve realized that, you’ve become terrified at the thought of it not becoming a reality?

A few weeks ago I was writing about feeling numb.  I don’t know what happened, but in the last few days my emotions have awoken from their dormant state, and returned with fervor.  I’m now so overwhelmed with feelings I’m struggling a bit to make sense of all of them.  However, I will make sense of them, and everything is going to be okay.

Like I said, good things are happening.  Hopefully, sleep will happen as well.

How do you feel?

Published January 25, 2014 by ia84

At the beginning of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, we see Spock retraining his brain on Vulcan.  The computer is running him through all these exercises, and then it stops and says, “How do you feel?”  Spock becomes quizzical and replies, “I do not understand the question.”  Spock’s mom then shows up and explains how being half-human means he has feelings.  This leads into a discussion about the illogical-ness of human feelings.  

And then Spock and his friends go back to 1984 to get some whales.  

I’m  ashamed to admit it, but lately I’ve been feeling a bit numb.  Okay, that’s an understatement.  I am numb.  It’s been coming on gradually, and it’s really been the last two days that I’ve noticed how numb I’ve gotten (I’m not really sure how long this has been going on, either.  I do know it’s been a long time since I truly felt anything.). Emotion-wise, I literally feel nothing.  I don’t feel happy, or sad, or sympathetic, or anything that I should be feeling.  In fact, when I get into situations where I need to show some sort of emotion, I find myself mentally saying, “This is a sad situation.  Be sad.  Remember sadness?  You need to act like you feel that way right now.” 

Unfortunately, I think my brain is just wired wrong.  No matter what emotion I tell myself I should at least act like I’m feeling, the completely wrong one makes an appearance.  As of right now, I’m sure that there are probably some who think I need to be locked up in the loony bin.  Normal people don’t smile when they talk about how a family member has just died (y’know, unless the dead family member was horrible, which hasn’t been the case regarding my dead family members).  

I wasn’t always this way.  I used to feel emotions.  I used to care.  The thing is, it’s been a brutal ten years.  Ever since March of 2004, for every moment of happiness, there’s been overwhelming heartbreak (and yes, I know some of it has been my own fault, and I’ll gladly take responsibility for it, but quite a bit of it hasn’t).  I think I’ve been trying to defend against further heartbreak by giving myself an emotional lobotomy.  If I can’t feel, then I can’t be hurt anymore, right?  I know it’s a bad way to handle things, and completely immature.

 Fortunately, I never said I was mature.

 However, I am interested in remaining a member of the human race.  Which means, like Spock, I must rediscover my humanity.  Because, like Spock, when the end of the movie comes, I would like to be able to say, “Tell her…I feel fine.”