Chocolate

All posts tagged Chocolate

Chocolate: 1, Me: 0

Published February 6, 2020 by ia84

People do many things when they feel down. Shop, sleep, drink, sleep around, send text messages to people they absolutely should not be texting. You get the idea. Me?

I eat.

Sometimes I shop, but 98% of the time, I turn to food. It’s been my go to for decades. Does it make me feel better? Yeah. Well, at least it does for a few minutes. And then regret seeps in. Followed by shame. Then I feel even more down than I already did. Which usually leads to more eating. It’s not a unique story by any stretch of the imagination.

Almost a month ago, faced with out of control blood sugar numbers, and severe anxiety about my weight I decided to make one more attempt at losing weight. And since January 14th, I’ve done really well. I’ve lost twenty pounds and stayed completely on plan. I’ve eaten tons of veggies. My blood sugar numbers have been awesome! I’ve resisted pizza, Wendy’s, Arby’s, a giant bowl filled with leftover Christmas chocolate, and piles of baked goods. That’s the short version of an incredibly long list. I have seen myself exercise self-control I really didn’t know I was capable of.

Last Saturday night, I had an incredibly realistic dream. I was tearing my house apart, devouring every little bit of chocolate I could find. I woke up with the most intense chocolate cravings I’ve ever had. I fought it all day Sunday, ending the night by sticking my head in the previously mentioned giant bowl of chocolate and just smelling the chocolate fumes. But the important thing is, I didn’t give in. I didn’t actually eat any. The cravings continued for days. To top it off, I’ve been feeling a lot of stress about work, my stupid fertility issues, and my upcoming root canal. The cravings and stress have started dragging me down into the dark place I don’t like to think or talk about.

I hate the dark place. I know I’ll climb out of it eventually. I’m just hoping I’ll crawl out in a few weeks, instead of a few months. This isn’t my first visit to it, and I know it won’t be my last. I’m not a strong person, but knowing I’ve gotten out of the dark place countless times over the years, helps me hold on. I may sound flippant, but honestly I feel anything but.

Knowing all this, I’m sure it won’t come as a surprise that last night I gave into the cravings. I ate a ton of chocolate and gummies, both from a Japanese snack box I ordered before deciding to get healthy. A strawberry ice cream popsicle, and three bites of a truly disgusting frozen chimichanga. I came very close to going to Taco Bell and ordering 3/4 of the menu, but it was after 10 pm, and would’ve required the wearing of pants.

By 11 pm the regret and shame had settled in, and I realized that I had two options. Clearly the first (and hopefully last) binge of 2020 hadn’t magically drug me out of the dark place or really made me feel any better. The only good that came of it was that my chocolate cravings were no longer driving me mad. So, my two options were:

A. Fall back into my old norm of binge, feel even worse, binge, feel bad, and repeat ad naseum.

B. Accept that I fell off the wagon, suck it up, and remember the important words from Gone With The Wind, “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

So, I woke up today, checked my blood sugar and weight, and hopped back on plan. Nothing magically changed overnight. I’m still in the dark place. I’m still stressed, and honestly I would much rather have had a bagel than my breakfast drink. I can’t promise that I won’t give into my cravings again, because I’m smart enough to know I probably will. I’ll keep facing the same battle, but hopefully I’ll do better the next time I fall off the wagon.

Difficult Anniversaries

Published April 18, 2014 by ia84

I realized a few days ago that the last time I attended Good Friday service was in 2011.  My aunt’s church was doing this living Last Supper thing.  It was actually pretty cool.  It was a drama, where the actors did a tableau of DaVinci’s last supper, and each character got to explain which disciple he was, and talk about his role in the story.

As usual, my grandparent’s were in town for Easter, and they went with us to the presentation.  I knew Grampa wasn’t feeling fantastic, but he was determined to go to church that night.  The next day, Saturday, he got progressively worse; and that evening,  my aunt took him to the ER.

I spent the better part of that Easter Sunday with my family in the ICU.  Grampa was in really rough shape, and we really thought that was the end of the road.  It wasn’t, but it was the definite beginning of the end.  He passed away in July of 2012.

The month and a half following that Easter Sunday, I spent a good portion of almost every single day at the hospital and then at the rehab center (after he was released from the hospital).  Looking back, it was a surreal, but incredibly educational experience.

Anyway, like I said, that was the last Good Friday service I went to.  Now, I love Easter.  Being a Christian, the holiday has a lot more meaning for me than just bunnies and chickens and chocolate (however, I never turn down chocolate).  This year I realized that I’ve made zero effort to try to get to Good Friday service since 2011, and I think I’ve finally narrowed down why.  That service in 2011, was pretty much the last time I saw my Grampa even be close to his old self.  Watching him get sicker and constantly waiting for the inevitable phone call was overwhelming.

It’s a weird to think of it as an anniversary, but it is.  And, this year, it’s not one I’m handling terribly well.  I’m really sad.  I miss people in my family being healthy.  I miss my Grampa.  I even miss being a pastor’s kid (although, I’m not sure I’ll ever stop thinking of myself as a pastor’s kid.  I spent 19 years as one, it’s a part of me that I can’t separate from).

Eventually, I’ll go to Good Friday service again, but not this year.

It Was A Beautiful Cake

Published April 7, 2013 by ia84

Occasionally, on here, I mention my slight liking (scratch, and replace with super huge addiction) of Pinterest.  I usually get sucked in on the “Geek” section, but occasionally I do wander over and check out the “Food” section.  This is a dangerous section for me, because while I’m pretty craft challenged, when it comes to food I’ve got a little bit of talent.  Not only can I cook, but I can even make it look somewhat presentable.  Now, last year, I discovered something on Pinterest called a tie-dye cake.  It looked super difficult to make, but after reading the instructions I decided it was worth a try.  Here was the result of the first experiment (I ended up with enough batter to make 2 cakes).  I called this the Jackson Pollock Cake:

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This was the second one:

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Believe me, those cakes were as good as they look.

So, anyway, last fall I was on Pinterest, and I stumbled across this:

Pinterest.com

This beauty is a Whopper cake!  The entire outside is covered in malted milk balls.  Now, I’m not a big Whopper fan, but my dad is.  I knew immediately that this was the perfect cake for his birthday.  After a few months of pondering this cake, I knew that I had to at least try to make it.  So, since dad’s birthday was today, I set about making it this weekend.  It started out well.

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I had to layers like the one above.  I also had the largest bag of malted milk balls I’ve ever beheld.  I know the quality’s not good, but trust me, that’s about 6 lbs of x-large Whoppers:

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I got up super early this morning (6 a.m., which for me is crazy early.  I told my dad that he knows that I love him if I’m willing to get up then just to decorate a cake).  Here’s what the cake looked like when I finished:

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Sure, the Whoppers weren’t lined up completely perfect, but for an amateur cake that I was decorating from memory of a picture I’d seen a while ago, I was pretty happy (also, there’s a raspberry and chocolate filling that while it sounds like a weird combination, wasn’t half bad).

Okay, so you’ve now seen the pretty, perfect cake.

What happened next probably would’ve been avoided if I had ever purchased a cake safe type carrier.  However, I make a “fancy” cake about once every year, so it’s not something I’ve ever thought about getting.

We had decided that since neither mom, nor I should have all that sugar readily available to us (she’s type 1 and I’m type 2 + I’m on a serious weight loss plan), it would be better to take in for the kids on our puppet team to share in.  Now, we tried to figure out a good way to transport the cake, but we had nothing it would fit in.  Eventually, mom agreed to hold it while I drove.

We were about a third of the way to church when the first Whopper popped off the cake.  Then all craziness broke loose.  Whoppers started popping off left and right.  They made a strange sound as the suction of the icing let loose.  Then, the cake started to shift.  The top layer was going one direction while the bottom layer stayed put.  Most people would probably have gotten angry and started yelling at each other, but that’s never really been my family’s thing.  No, this morning marks the first time that I had to pull over to the side of the interstate because I was laughing so hard I couldn’t drive.  It wasn’t just me, either.  Mom was cracking up as well.  (Dad, being mostly deaf wasn’t quite aware of what the situation was.)  Finally, we got control of our laughter, found a piece of cardboard to try to keep the cake separated from mom’s shirt (the pants were a goner at that point), and I finished the drive.  When we got to the church, here’s what we found (quick, remember the beautiful cake picture from above.  Scroll up if needs be, cause this ain’t pretty…):

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And here’s a picture of my mom’s arm:

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You can kind of see just how far the cake was sliding off at that point.

Thankfully, more of the cake survived than we thought had.  People got to share in the remnants, and dad’s got a couple boxes of cake casserole in the fridge.

The important thing to me, about this situation is the fact that no one ever raised their voice, no one ever cast blame (although, let’s face it, I really need to invest in a cake carrying container), and even tonight we are still giggling over the disaster.  I don’t know if anyone else’s family would have been so cool about what happened.  A lot of people would’ve turned on each other and used terms starting with “stupid,” and upped the ante from there.

So, Happy Birthday, Dad.  Next year I’ll try to keep the cake in one piece until after you’ve had your first piece!

Friday Night Questions

Published December 21, 2012 by ia84

-Am I the only one who cried when “The Hobbit” started and we all got to return to Middle Earth?

-Why do dragons automatically make a story better?

-Why is peeing in a cup so difficult?  Follow up, is this TMI?

-So, are they going to “kill” Spock off in the new Star Trek film, just like they did in Wrath of Khan?  Follow up, if that happens who is Spock going to implant his’ katra in?  If he doesn’t leave it with Bones, maybe Uhura?  Does that qualify as Spock throwing his katra around?

-Who else is ready for winter to be over?

-Why do people drive so badly when the roads aren’t clean?

-Why do chocolate and coconut go together so well?

-Any plans, now that the world hasn’t ended?

-A prospective job wanting to do a background check and drug test on you is a positive thing, right?