Turns out, thinking about writing blog posts and ACTUALLY writing blog posts are two different things. Over the last few months, I’ve frequently had ideas and thought, “That’d make a good post,” and then never followed through. So, it’s time to play catch up…
April
As far as I can remember, the last updating I did took place in April. Which, while not a long time ago, is well over a month past. April ended interestingly.
When the boy and I got married, we were on pretty different work shifts. He would leave for work before 7 a.m. and get home mid-afternoon. I, on the other hand, would start work at 1:30 p.m., and not get home until well after 10 p.m. (just in time for the boy to head to bed, and me to be wide awake with post work adrenaline). Going into our marriage, we both knew this was something we were going to have to deal with, and I honestly thought it’d be okay. Which only goes to show that I’m an idiot. In truth, it was misery. It was depressing. It was lonely. So, at the end of April, when I saw a perfect job opening at a local hospital. So, I submitted an application. And then a week later I got a call from the hospital asking me to come in for an interview. It was one of those interviews that when I left I honestly couldn’t tell if I was going to get a job offer, but they assured me they were going to call my current job to verify that I really did work there. Which meant I had to tell my boss that I had gone on an interview. To cut a very long, boring story short, my boss wasn’t exactly thrilled when I shared this tidbit with her, and I didn’t get offered the job at the hospital. However, my work offered to let me change schedules, which meant that I didn’t have to start somewhere new, and no more long, lonely mornings home alone.
May & Early June
May will be remembered as the month of medical drama. About a week after the wedding (back in March), I started having bad abdominal pain. Because I’m super stubborn, and completely convinced that things will just get better, I put off going to the doctor until May. Finally, I broke down and decided to go get checked. The first two weeks of May found me going to the Ob-Gyn and the Endocrinologist. Neither were fun visits, and neither gave me a decent answer for the abdominal pain. All that really happened was that I ended up back on Metformin (for diabetes and the PCOS). My Metformin dose was supposed to start slow, and every week go up. The first week I had to up the dose, I started getting super sick. Migraines, pain, dizzyness, nausea, and other fun things plagued me for three solid weeks. I couldn’t eat, was having trouble sleeping, and was generally miserable. I spent a decent amount of time playing phone tag with both the Ob-Gyn & Endocrinologist offices. Both just kept blowing me off and telling me it was just my reaction to the Metformin and to take upping the dose slower.
By the start of the third week, I had the worst sore throat I’ve ever had. The start of the third week was also my first week on my new shift at work and it was a horrendous week. Fearing that I might have strep, I ended up at a quick sick clinic.
I didn’t have strep.
No, as of last Thursday, I learned that I have Mono. Not only do I have mono, but this is actually the second time in my life I’ve had mono.
I wish it felt this cute.
Through it all, the boy truly has been my steady rock. He has taken such good care of me. Definitely has made me feel valuable even when I have felt super worthless. He’s nursing me through this mess, and gone on more chocolate milk pick-up trips than has been fair to him (side note: whole chocolate milk is so thick and creamy it’s the perfect thing to drink if you can’t swallow anything else).
So, in case this has all been TL/DR (too long/didn’t read)…Started a new shift at work, got mono, my husband is amazing, and I am now going to try to update more faithfully.
-It has been reinforced to me this week just how many STDs are floating around out there. I’m baffled by how many people engage in sex without having their partner thoroughly tested.
-It really sucks just how depressed my diabetes meds make me. Doesn’t help that I forgot to take my meds for about a week, and when I started up again I got hit really hard with the depression.
-I’m thinking I want to save up for one of those giant bean bag chairs.
-I’m glad that my hair is finally long enough to braid.
-The first images from Catching Fire are really making me want to see the film, even though I had pretty much decided I didn’t want to see it. The books are fantastic, but so depressing. However, I’m thinking I shall probably plan to see it.
-Pizza sounds amazing right now.
-I am soooooooooo overwhelmingly excited for my first real paycheck in years!
-Tonight a friend used the words, “Make it so.” while we were talking online. The only thing that would’ve made it more entertaining would be if he had included a photo of Picard.
Be warned, this is a super long post…at least for me….
Well, Christmas is pretty much winding down. All in all, it was a good Christmas. I had a bit of a meltdown mid-day Christmas, and ended up sleeping it off most of the afternoon. I just suddenly really missed Grampa. This was the first Christmas without him. The whole day, while good, felt wibbly-wobbly. I know he’s in a better place, and much happier because he actually feels good now. I wouldn’t have wished continuing to be miserable on him. The thing is, our immediate family is so small, and Grampa being gone just makes us an even smaller group. It somehow emphasizes the fact that he’s gone. It’s hard wrapping my head around that fact sometimes.
A few weeks ago I ended up watching the show Hoardersand it really got me to thinking about all the stuff I’ve got. I’ve got a lot of stuff. Really, much more stuff than anyone needs, and it’s just stuff. Sure, I have a few things that are really important and meaningful to me, but overall, I’ve just got a lot of stuff. I think the time has come to get rid of a lot of my stuff. I’ll keep my books and movies, but there’s so much random crap that’s been living in boxes under my bed and I haven’t looked at it in over a year. Clearly, I do not need it to function as a human being.
The thing is, going in the ditch in South Dakota a few weeks ago started tweaking my perspective on life and such. I guess, I never really filled all of you in on what happened after I wrote my post about going in the ditch and then being rescued and spending the night in Brookings. What happened following my writing of my December 9th post was even more “exciting” than going in the ditch.
About an hour after I wrote the December 9th post, I went to bed, only to wake up about 3 hours later in a full blown panic attack. I’d had a nightmare and all I remembered when I woke up was that I was driving, and the van was going off the road and all I could see was blinding whiteness. My panic attack basically consisted of my realizing that not only could Katy and I have frozen to death, but the fact that neither the 9-1-1 dispatcher or sheriff’s dispatcher were willing to do anything (even offer a kind word) to ease our terror. Basically, I felt that they had left us to die. Trust me, that’s pretty much the worst, most scared I’ve ever felt for my life (and ironically, we were completely safe at the point this feeling kicked in). I ended up calling my mom in the middle of the night, completely hysterical, wailing that, “9-1-1 left us to die!” Once mom got me calmed down a little and we prayed, I ended up calling my “sister” and we talked some more and prayed, and I was finally able to get to the point of being able to go back and get some sleep.
Now, when we went in the ditch on 12/9 Katy’s mom had talked to a towing company in Brookings, and they had agreed to rescue my vehicle on Monday morning. So, when Katy & I got rescued, I called 9-1-1 back and told them not to worry about moving the car, we’d made arrangements to get it in the morning. The dispatcher told me that was fine and that she’d documented it. I also left a big sign under the windshield on the driver’s side with my name and phone number. Come Monday morning, Katy called the towing company, and they told us that there were about 6 cars they needed to get before getting to ours, but they’d give us a call when they needed the keys. About an hour later we got a call from the towing company telling us that not only was the van no longer in the ditch, but the state troopers had my van towed during the night. Katy’s phone connection was bad, so she only got that my car was somewhere in a nearby county. I began calling counties, and each person I talked to was completely rude and unhelpful. Finally, Katy called the towing company back and asked if they could give her more details about where my vehicle had been towed. They told her that the van had been towed by Tiny Town Towing in Tiny Town, SD. Immediately, I turned to Google maps because I had never heard of Tiny Town. Tiny Town happens to be 40 miles southwest of Brookings (Perfectly logical place to tow it, right? Since I crashed 10 miles south of Brookings…)
I called Tiny Town Towing, and proceeded to get told that not only was my vehicle there, but there would also be fees to get it back. I asked repeatedly for specifics on the fees, and was told that it was $100 for getting the van out of the ditch, $3.50 per loaded mile for taking the van to Chester and also for taking the van from Tiny Town to Brookings, on top of which, I was told there would be fees for diesel fuel, service, and labor. I could not get her to tell me what the last three fees would come out to. So, I told her I would have to call her back. I ended up calling home finally and telling mom and dad what was going on. Dad told me he would call Tiny Town. At that point I was an emotional wreck because I’d spent the better part of two hours talking to rude person after rude person. Not only was I not being my normal sweet self on the phone, I was being a stern, direct, no-nonsense “I want answers” person.
A few minutes later I ended up getting a call from Sheriff who was the county sheriff responsible for towing my vehicle. Our conversation went something like this:
S: May I speak with Milia?
Me: This is Malia.
S: Hi, Malia, this is Sheriff from …. County. How are you today?
Me: Hi, Sheriff, I’m pretty stressed.
S: Well, I just wanted to let you know your vehicle is at Tiny Town Towing.
Me: Yes, I know, I’ve been talking to them. I don’t understand why my vehicle was towed without anyone letting me know that was happening. Especially, since I had left my phone number and let 9-1-1 know we’d made arrangements to get the vehicle towed this morning.
S: Well, it’s protocol that we tow all the vehicles from the side of the road. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t call anyone who’s vehicles we towed.
Me: That does not make me feel better! Did you even bother to look at my license plate? It says I’m from Nebraska. I don’t know where anything is up here, and now I find out that my car is in Tiny Town which is apparently 40 miles south of here. I went off the road 10 miles from Brookings. I do not understand why this happened especially when I made arrangements and no one bothered to contact me.
SW: Well, you can’t just have anyone with a pick-up and a towline come out and get your vehicle. It has to be an actual tow company.
Me: I made arrangements with an actual tow company here in Brookings!
SW: Oh. Well, I can talk to Tiny Town Towing and see if they can bring your vehicle up. I was there when they pulled out your van and saw where they parked it. Of course, there will be fees for all this.
Me: I have a grand total of $20, I have no idea how you expect me to pay for this.
Honestly, there wasn’t much after that, basically I told him that we were trying to figure things out. He pretty much ended up the conversation there. If Barney Fife and Boss Hogg had a love child, I’m pretty sure that child would be Sheriff W.
Anyway, by that point, I just collapsed and gave up. Fortunately, shortly after that I got a call from dad and he’d worked things out with Tiny Town Towing. Turned out they gave him a completely different quote. The van got dropped off about an hour later. My sign was still sitting where I left it, and the windshield had been cleared off, so it was apparent that the sign had been seen.
I guess mom and dad were on the phone back and forth with the South Dakota state patrol all Monday. Every time the state patrol called back they would change their story. They eventually tried to tell the parents that I was on the road illegally, because the interstate had closed at 1:07 p.m. and I was out on the road after that. We easily disproved that by the fact that we had text message and phone log proof that we had gone in the ditch at 12:56.
Anyway, long story short, avoid South Dakota in the winter.
Getting back to my original point, the whole realizing that we could have died or at least gotten hospitalization level hypothermia has really been working on my whole thought process. I’ve started thinking about what I really believe and also what I want out of life. Super heavy (apparently, something’s wrong with the earth’s gravitational pull in 2012). So, I’ve started making a list of what I want to accomplish in life before I’m 30 (which happens 11/24/2014 at 2:35 a.m.).
1. Actually finish writing my novel. I’ve got a good first draft, and have started on the second draft. It’s not a life changing novel, or anything, but at least it’s better than some pop tween fiction I’ve read.
2. Lose weight. Okay, this is an ongoing one, but I really want to be 100 lbs. lighter by the time I’m 30. Which is totally do-able.
3. Clean out useless crap from my room and/or life.
4. Go on a date. To this point I’ve been on one date in my entire life, and while it wasn’t a bad date I’d like to experience one where I don’t feel completely blindsided. (It’s an entertaining story, and the guy was a nice, decent, good guy, just not the guy for me). I would like to reach 30 having gone on more than one date. It’s not a big deal, but it’d be nice. Plus, I’ve got two really super cute date appropriate shirts now, so that should count for something.
On a different note, even though Christmas is over for the year, you should totally take 5 minutes of your life and watch the Penny & Teddy video I posted yesterday. I have to say that making these videos gave me a whole new level of appreciation for professional puppeteers. I thought doing the videos would be quick and easy, and I was shocked that in order to achieve 7 minutes of semi-okay footage we worked for about 5 hours and only stopped because the two diabetic performers (mom and I) hadn’t had lunch and we were both about ready to pass out. Here’s the video I posted yesterday (yes, I realize that I’m harping on this, but I’m actually pretty proud of myself for actually finishing a project for once in my life, and that said project turned out fairly decent).
Okay, well, I’m all pau for tonight.
Aloha.
P.S. There’s no Tiny Town, SD, I just changed the town name. Also, I was nice and didn’t share the sheriff’s name. I should also mention, that I’ve always had a lot of respect for the law, and those who do that work, and overall it really saddened me to run into this situation.
Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding writing. Which, I’ve come to realize, is super lazy on my part. So, this post is going to read a bit like my Random Saturday Musings.
-My last post was my 100th post since I started writing this blog! It kind of blows my mind that I’ve reached this many posts, and that people I’ve never met have actually read a majority of my posts. I’m so fascinated by the way that the internet connects people all over the world.
-I’ve got 10 (more like 9, now) days left here in ND. I really should probably start packing. On the bright side, I didn’t bring that much with me, so I don’t have as much stuff to pack. I’m also really struggling with the fact that I have to say “good-bye” to some incredibly amazing people. I feel like I’ve spent most of my life saying “good-bye,” and it just doesn’t get any easier.
-I’ve been filling out quite the pile of job applications. So far, I do have a few job possibilities. I’ve had a few people wanting to set up interviews, but don’t want to wait the week and a half for me to get home to do the interview. That’s a bit frustrating. However, almost all of them have told me to give them a call when I get home; so, not a complete loss.
-I had an interesting realization yesterday. I suddenly found that I don’t care what other people think about me. It was an incredibly random realization. I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone and be what everyone wants me to be. That’s a very exhausting existence. I also think that trying to keep everyone happy contributes a great deal to struggling to accept and love myself. It’s nobody’s fault that I feel like this. I just hate it when people aren’t happy, and I have single-handedly tried to make everything better for everybody. I’ve known in my head for a long time that this is a pretty impossible task, but it’s only just now actually sinking in to my heart. I’m still me, I’m just no longer going to base how I am on whether it makes other people happy.
-My NaNo novel turned into a real tragedy. By 11 p.m. on 11/29 I had written a little over 37,000 words. My computer insisted it needed to do a restart, and so I made sure it was saved and backed up, and I let my computer do it’s thing. When I opened up the file, I showed that I only had 22,269 words. You know that scene in Little Women where Jo discovers that her novel is being thrown in the fire by Amy? That’s exactly how I felt. Thousands of words had disappeared. People smarter than me with computers gave me advice on locating my missing words, but it was all to no avail. Those words were just gone. No explanation. So, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal. I did, however, write a lot. I wrote more than I’ve ever written in my entire life on one subject. Plus, I have enough of my first draft left, I’ve been able to start work on my second draft. I’m super excited about this novel, and I can’t wait to put it out there for the world to read!
-Exciting news on the weight loss front. I weighed myself yesterday, and found that I’ve only got 119 lbs. to go! This means that since I started sharing with ya’ll that I was working on losing, I’ve lost 14 lbs. in 13 weeks. I think that’s pretty great! I can definitely tell that my clothes are fitting better. I’m also not constantly feeling hungry (which is a new, unique experience). I think this is mainly due to the diabetes meds, but I’m not complaining.
-I’m very excited to get back to working with the puppet team. I’m super pumped, because we’ve been given the necessary items to be able to travel and do performances. I can’t wait to see where we’re going to get to go and minister.
-Since this blog was initially conceived with the idea of keeping people at home up to date with my life here in ND, the blog’s mission is going to get tweaked a bit since I’m moving back to NE. I’m definitely going to continue writing it, but I’m also going to share some of my photography (I love to pretend that I’m good and force my photos on anyone willing to look at them), and I’m toying with the idea of doing some vlogs.
I’ve really been debating whether to write about what’s going on. Since I’ve found writing this blog to be therapeutic, I’m going to go ahead and lay it all out there.
This has been quite a difficult semester. First there was the diagnosis of fun diseases (and by fun I mean super duper crappy type of fun), and then I got to start taking medicine. I went from being a girl who only took anything stronger than ibuprofen when she had dental work done, to be the girl who has to keep track of whether she’s taken her pills everyday. On top of this the meds and the stress completely threw my sleep out of joint. Added to this, there was a bout of depression that hit me, and I found myself in counseling. All in all, it’s been a lot to handle.
The final straw came the day I headed home for Thanksgiving break. I had a seriously unpleasant meeting with the financial aid department that pretty much sealed the decision that for now the best option for me is to go back home to Omaha.
I was handling this nightmare semi-sanely while I was home over break, but when I got back to campus on Sunday night it really hit me hard. I had no plans to be leaving school and moving back home this soon. I have been crying a lot, and I’m super stressed and super overwhelmed. I feel like I’m back two and a half years ago. I’ve started job hunting again, and I feel like my world is just falling apart.
I’m sure it sounds stupid, but I’ve always been the good girl. Always tried to do the right thing, and no matter how hard or little I try, everything I do falls apart. I always fall for the wrong guy. I just feel like such a screwed up mess.
-Saw The Blair Witch Project for the first time tonight. Gotta say, A. they had no clue what direction south is, and B. I hated the fact that I disliked the characters so much I didn’t care if something bad happened to them. Interesting film, though. I remember when it first came out, and everyone thought it was actual footage of a real tragedy. And, now, I feel old.
-I really enjoy making fun things on my loom. It’s very therapeutic.
-I’ve really been struggling, emotionally, with this whole chronic disease diagnosis. I feel like as soon as I start wrapping my head around it and accepting it, I immediately head back to being angry or sad. The other night, I was laying in bed, and all I could think of is how much it must suck for those people who get diagnosed with something really severe, like cancer. I can’t even begin to imagine what hell their emotions play on them. In some ways, I feel that I’m supposed to be learning empathy through this. I tend to be really guarded, and even when I feel bad for someone and what their going through (especially with disease) I hold back from being there for them. I hope I’m not driving people crazy with my constant writing on here about this whole diabetes thing. I know I’ve been using my entries to process the emotional turmoil I’m going through. Honestly, it’s scary. It’s really scary. I had no idea what people really go through. My heart truly goes out to people who have it way worse. I feel like I barely qualify to be saying, “I’ve got a chronic disease.”
–Mothman Prophecies has got to be one of my all time favorite movies. It’s so freaky, and it’s almost all mental. It doesn’t rely on gore, it relies mostly on the unseen. Is there really anything scarier than what our own imaginations come up with?
-This morning at about 3 a.m., I saw the Aurora Borealis for the first time! It’s been of my goals to see it, and it was simply amazing! It’s the most hauntingly beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It really did dance across the sky. At one point I was laying on the ground looking up, and the Aurora looked like ocean waves. I can’t wait to see them again! I want to go hunt them the way that people hunt twisters. I’m so thankful for Katy & Michele being willing to take me out to see them!
-Went to the homecoming football game today. We stayed for the first half. It wasn’t great. I was excited to see the marching band, and boy was I disappointed. I was expecting a really great half-time show, and instead, what we got was a concert band performance. The band played three songs, each song directed by a former professor from the music department. The songs progressively got older. Started with Elvis, then Sinatra, and ended with a hymn. Seriously. A hymn. I love hymns, I really do. I think they’re beautiful, but a half-time performance of a football game is not where I want to hear one. It wasn’t even a peppy hymn, it was Abide With Me, which is pretty slow and reminiscent of funerals. On top of which, they didn’t march. At all. The former band geek inside of me wept. All in all, big disappointment.
-Was introduced to the show Pitbulls and Parolees today. I don’t go in for reality t.v., but this show is fantastic! It warms my heart to see someone willing to be such an advocate for the breed.
-I’m really excited that my clothes are starting to feel like they’re fitting better.
-I’m really nervous about having to start monitoring my blood sugar. I’m not good at inflicting pain on myself, so the whole sticking my finger thing terrifies me. I’m completely capable of doing this on other people. I’ve tested my mom’s levels before, and I had to do it during phlebotomist training. I don’t mind sticking other people, I’m just freaked about doing it to myself.
Tonight I have no pictures and no update. I’ll have both next week, but this week I’m still processing this whole diabetes thing. Granted, I’ll probably still be processing in a week, and even several weeks after that.
I’ve started keeping a food journal. I’ve found it’s easier to do if I take the journal with me when I go eat, and write down before I eat. I’m also working to eat veggies and drink more water. I really, really don’t like vegetables. Seriously, I like spinach and green beans (which I’m not sure are a veggie, because they’re a bean and I’m thinking they’re mostly sugar, but I could be wrong). I like some veggies if they’re cooked in soup or on pizza. However, the list is really, super small. Turns out, if you’re diabetic, veggies are kinda important. Also, I’ve never liked drinking water. Lucky me, that’s another thing that’s important for me to consume now.
Tonight, I’m not really in a”random” or a “musings” frame of mind. Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I didn’t really feel like sharing everything that was going on. The whole point of this blog is to be open and honest about what’s going on in my life. The good stuff, the fat stuff, and the just plain hard stuff.
Almost three weeks ago, I found myself visiting Student Health. I’d been feeling really unwell, and I figured I might as well find out what was wrong. I was examined and tested, and I finally got some answers this week.
Turns out, I’ve got Type 2 Diabetes & PCOS. I was expecting the PCOS. I wasn’t expecting the diabetes.
I’m still processing this diagnosis. Overall, I’m hardly surprised, but it’s still a struggle. My emotions feel like they’re a yo-yo. One minute I’m super focused and totally prepared to face this, and the next, all I can think of are the people I’ve known who’ve lost limbs, and eventually their life to type 2. I find that I go from sad to driven to scared to acceptance to denial to happy surprisingly quickly. Like I said, yo-yo.
So, now I won’t just be writing about trying to lose weight, but I’ll be documenting dealing with this new adventure.
-I chewed gum today. I don’t remember the last time I chewed gum. Weird.
-I really love my penguin pillow pet. It’s so cuddly.
-The Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice was on t.v. last night, and I realized that the only reason I like it is because of the music.
-Today just felt off. Everything I set out to do went wonky.
-I discovered that there’s a comic con scheduled for November here in Grand Forks. If this is actually true, I’m really going to try to go.
-Just realized that the first time I saw Finding Nemo was the summer right after I graduated from high school. Next May will mark ten years since I graduated. When Nemo opens in theaters next week, there will be kids going who don’t remember the first time it came out. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
-I called Gramma last night. It was so weird to not asking how Grampa was or hearing him in the background.
-It makes me so angry when things mess with my mom’s blood sugar numbers. This whole diabetes thing is so frustrating.
-I love my pink Wii remote. It makes me so happy when I’m using my Wii.
-This Husker game is a bit of a nail biter. I feel really bad for the UCLA players, their pants are tragic.
-So far it’s taken me over an hour to put this post together.
-Sometimes life is weird. My life is weird. And it’s weird in epic ways. Some day I hope to share one of the most epically (spelling?) weird moments I’ve ever had happen.
-Pudding is more yummy when you grow up.
-I dislike that the water up here dries my hair out so much. I even put in leave in conditioner, but it doesn’t help.
-Facial hair is one of those dark secrets about adulthood that you never get told about. You just get to be an adult and suddenly, boom, there’s these nasty, annoying hairs demanding to be dealt with.
I wish it felt this cute.
Any Second Now... 