Weight Loss

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You take the good, you take the bad…

Published January 2, 2018 by ia84

When we driving home from my in-laws on Christmas Eve I had this thought enter my brain, “Next year, there might be three of us.”  And for the next 48 hours I was in a pretty happy, pretty hopeful place.

No, I’m not pregnant.  I didn’t think I was.  But, there was this smidgen (and boy ,do I mean smidgen) of a chance, that in the next year I might be.

So here’s the deal, last Wednesday, I was supposed to have a surgery.  My doctor was going to shrink my stupid giant ovaries down to normal size by cutting wedges out of them.  There was no guarantee, but there was this chance that it’d undo a lot of my PCOS mess.  There was a chance that I’d actually be able to make some progress on the weight loss front.  There was even a chance that it’d make me a little less insulin resistant.  There was a chance it’d make the mystery pain go away, and that it would lessen my mood swings.  And…there was this chance that I could get pregnant and stay pregnant.  I was so excited.  I was weirdly calm.  I think I was so desperate for just one of those many things to be a little bit better that it outweighed the anxiety and fear I was also experiencing.

And then I went to my pre-op last Tuesday…

Picture it…9 a.m. the day after Christmas.  I got to my appointment, and things promptly went downhill.  My first warning sign came when I was going through my paperwork, verifying that they had my info correct, and noticed that they had down the doctor from my work’s employee health clinic down as my primary doctor (she’s nice and I have seen her in the last year, but she’s not my primary doctor, or even my ob-gyn).  I pointed this out, and the receptionist told me that she wasn’t able to change that, and that someone in the surgery center would need to fix it on the day of my surgery.  I remember feeling confused as to why she’d asked me to check to make sure everything was correct if she couldn’t actually change any of it.

I then got taken into the exam room.  Both the nurse and the anesthesiologist were either really annoyed they had to work the day after Christmas, or were super hungover, or both.  I just know that they were both in bad moods, and every time I tried to be even a little funny I got death glares from both parties.  First, the anesthesiologist was upset with me because of my diabetes and my difficulty keeping my blood sugars down.  Then, she was annoyed that I’m overweight.  To make it a trifecta, I frustrated her because I snore so I must have sleep apnea and I really need to be getting that treated.  I should probably be undergoing a sleep study (at least, according to her).  If I hadn’t been stressed and anxious before, I was at that point.  A great way to feel the day before surgery.  More than once the anesthesiologist informed me that I was ONLY having an elective procedure and I really wasn’t in any condition to have any elective procedure.  I kept thinking, “I’m not here for bigger boobs.  You know those things that you’re really frustrated and annoyed with me about?  This is a procedure that could actually make those things better.”

They drew my blood.  The anesthesiologist gave me many print outs (all about the health problems that she had concerns about), gave me another lecture about how I really shouldn’t be having an elective procedure, and I went home, my calm now tinged with a small amount of dread.

That evening, I was about to go flush out my system (yeah, that’s as nasty as it sounds), and I got a phone call.  From my doctor.  And it started with her saying, “I’m so sorry, I was so sad when I heard about tomorrow.  I was really looking forward to seeing you.”  (I should mention here that my doctor is a beautiful, kind, sweet woman who genuinely gives a crap and actually listens to me and I kind of love her.)

To which I replied, “What about tomorrow?”  Dread amount was no longer in the small category.

“Didn’t the hospital call you?  They said they called you.”

“No, they didn’t call me.”

Turns out that blood draw (the one that a week later I still have a bruise from), sent a result back that the anesthesiologist didn’t like.  And just like that, my surgery was cancelled.  The hospital called my doctor  while she was performing someone else’s surgery, and left her a message regarding the cancellation.  They gave me no chance to redo the tests, or to fight to stay on the schedule.

I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut.  The sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe something was finally going to get fixed in my body, was gone, at least for now.  I cried all that night.  I cried the better part of surgery day.  And then, I think my body just ran out of tears.  It’s now been a week, and I’m still hanging in there.  I’m disappointed that I have to shelve the surgery for now.  However, it’s not like it’ll never happen, and even if it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world.  I have an amazing husband, adorable pets, precious nephews and a niece, and a collection of graphic novels that should keep me entertained for the next two years (possibly more, it’s amazing how cheap you can get them on Ebay.  The boy need not know how much I’m adding to our already large collection…).

And for now, I’m going to refuse to give up hoping that someday, in the future, I’m going to be a better, healthier me.

Weighty Wednesday: Week 2~Marathon Queen

Published May 21, 2014 by ia84

I’m the queen of the marathon…the movie marathon that is.  As they say on How I Met Your Mother, if you don’t marathon Star Wars at least every three years, the Empire wins.  Personally, I think if you don’t marathon Lord of the Rings (the extended editions) at least once a year, then  Ring might as well have survived Mount Doom and be back on Sauron’s finger.  (I agree with the boy, there should be a statute of limitations on spoilers.  The books have been out over 50 years, and the movies have been out over a decade.  I refuse to put up a spoiler alert).

Here’s the thing, much as I’m into the couch potato marathon, everyone else in my age group seems to be into the marathon that requires actual running.  I’ll be honest, I don’t get it.  Everyone I know seems to constantly be going on an on about exercising and preparing for races and actually running races.  What’s really weird?  They actually seem to enjoy it.  It seems to make them feel good.  Now, I do get up and exercise five days a week.  I do it because it’s good for my health, and I’ve found that when I don’t exercise, joints start to hurt (I know that’s an old person thing to say, but it’ true).  However, I don’t enjoy exercising.  I don’t get any kind of high from the experience.  It’s just one of those things that must be done and so I do it.

So, I head into my second week.   I’ve worked on really keeping an eye on what I’ve eaten (helped that I had to have more dental work in the middle of the week.  Nothing like pain to make you eat less), and I’ve been exercising faithfully.  And…I’ve gained weight.  On the bright side, my t-shirts feel like they’re fitting a tiny bit looser (not my imagination, they totally are), so I’m going to rule this as a week where the scale doesn’t matter.  (Otherwise, I’ll start feeling super depressed and give up, which would be stupid, since I’ve only been at this a week).

Weight to Lose: 111.5 lbs.

Weight to Mini Goal: 12.5 lbs.

Weighty Wednesday: Week 1

Published May 14, 2014 by ia84

Before I get into this post, I have to correct something from my last post.  I misremembered (and, yes, I’m totally going to pretend that’s a word) the conversation I had with the boy about Jar Jar.  He’s the one who suggested that they mature slower.  The boy pointed this out to me, and since he has the better memory,  I’m going to go with his version instead of mine.  However, all the supposition and thought put into the theory mainly came from me.

Okay, now I feel better.  No longer unintentionally claiming thoughts that aren’t mine.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole weight loss thing.  There seem to be two schools of thought when it comes to losing the weight (at least among us bigger girls).  The first school of thought is that, “This is the size God made me, and ya’ll can just deal with it.”  The second is, “Love me the way I am, but support me as I work to get smaller.”  I definitely fall into the second group.  I know that those who love me the way I am now are people who genuinely love me.  However, I have a lot of respect for girls who are in the first group.  I know it’s not easy being on the bigger end of the scale, and it takes a lot of self-confidence to be able to stand proud and say, “This is who I am, and I’m not changing!”

So, I gave myself a week.  Kind of a last hurrah.  Ate junk food, didn’t really exercise, and started to try to do some mental prep for what I know is going to be a decently long journey.  In following weeks I’ll make sure my camera is actually charged and my hair isn’t gross, so that I can track my progress via picture.  For today, though, both of those things are working against me.  So, I’ll just list what my starting goals are, and next week, I’ll share my first week’s progress.

Weight to lose: 110.5 lbs.

Weight to lose until I reach first mini goal:  11.5 lbs.

And now I’m going to go wash my hair, because it really is gross.

 

18th Time’s the Charm, Right?

Published May 8, 2014 by ia84

I’ve spent the better part of the last decade trying to lose weight, and miserably failing at it.   But, for better or for worse, I’m giving it another go.  Yes, I do believe there’s a skinny girl inside me.  However, it really doesn’t help that said skinny girl simply adores cheesecake.  (And brownies, and nachos, and burgers, and, well you get the idea…)

There really isn’t much to this post, other than a general announcement that I’m giving weight loss another attempt.  I know Yoda said, “Do or do not, there is no try,” but I don’t think Yoda spent years fighting with a ton of extra weight.  However, if he did, that would be a movie I would totally watch.  I do know that the last time I saw any smidge of success with weight loss, it was when I was writing about it on here, so I’m going to give that another go as well.

Moving

Published May 3, 2013 by ia84

No, I’m not moving.  However, my Mugshot Monday posts are!  After much careful consideration, I’ve decided to give my weight loss journey it’s own blog.  This, however will remain my main blog (so keep coming here and reading this one).  It just occurred to me that as much as I’m struggling to lose, I’m sure there are plenty of others out there in the same boat, so why not share the nitty gritty of my struggle?   I’m currently setting up the new blog, and you should totally check it out when it goes live, later today!  Here’s the address:

losingomaha.wordpress.com

Alright, I’m off to finish making it pretty 😉

Mugshot Monday~Week 3

Published April 1, 2013 by ia84

I’m so tired of calling it “Weight Loss Monday.”  So, instead, from here on out, it’s Mugshot Monday!  Camp NaNo, has officially started, so tonight’s entry is going to be short, so I can get back to my story.

This week, there wasn’t great victory on the scale.  However, my clothes are fitting way better, and I’m now up to walking four miles a day!  I think this next week will definitely show some loss on the scale.  My main victory was that I didn’t gain.

 

This was me on January 7th, 2013.

003

 

 

This is April 1st, 2013.  I may just be seeing things, but I think my face looks like it’s got a little more shape.

 

003 004

 

 

So, I’m 6.7 lbs away from Skyfall.  Here’s hoping that changes after this week!

Weight Loss Monday~Week 2

Published March 25, 2013 by ia84

No, you’re not reading the title wrong.  Yes, I did a series of these posts last fall, but honestly I fell off the bandwagon, and instead of picking up where I left off, it’s just easier to start again.  Since I forgot to post last Monday, I’m just starting where I’m currently at.

I decided to get serious about losing a few weeks ago when I realized just how much I’ve been using my weight as a protection against people.  I don’t want to be that person anymore.  Unlike last fall, I’m not trying to do this all on my own.  I’ve actually joined a weight loss program, and it’s requiring a lot more accountability than just doing blog posts.  The first week was rough, I did gain, but it wasn’t even a pound so I can’t be too upset.  I did, however, lose four pounds over this last week.  As of right now, here’s what my loss looks like:

3/9/13: First Check~110.3 lbs to go
3/16/13: Week 1~110.6 lbs to go (I gained?  How?)
3/23/13: Week 2~106.8 lbs to go (Yay!  I lost!  I bought The Hobbit to celebrate!)

I don’t have mugshots for tonight.  Still trying to figure out where to take them in my house.  I don’t have the room available to me that I had in my dorm room.  I’ll figure out something by next week, though, so I can update ya’ll on what I’m looking like.

One thing I’m trying this time is focusing on losing 10 lbs at a time.  110 lbs is really overwhelming and can seem quite impossible.  I plan to reward myself when I reach each 10 lb goal with a new movie.  When I reach 25, 50, & 75 lbs, I’ll be rewarding myself with seasons of my favorite tv shows.  Right now, I’m making my way towards Skyfall.  In order to afford this, I’m taking the money that I’d normally put into the work vending machine or fast food drive-thru and setting it aside.  Six more pounds and Skyfall is mine!

The Day After Yesterday

Published December 26, 2012 by ia84

Be warned, this is a super long post…at least for me….

Well, Christmas is pretty much winding down.  All in all, it was a good Christmas.  I had a bit of a meltdown mid-day Christmas, and ended up sleeping it off most of the afternoon.  I just suddenly really missed Grampa.  This was the first Christmas without him.  The whole day, while good, felt wibbly-wobbly.  I know he’s in a better place, and much happier because he actually feels good now.  I wouldn’t have wished continuing to be miserable on him.  The thing is, our immediate family is so small, and Grampa being gone just makes us an even smaller group.  It somehow emphasizes the fact that he’s gone.  It’s hard wrapping my head around that fact sometimes.

A few weeks ago I ended up watching the show Hoarders and it really got me to thinking about all the stuff I’ve got.  I’ve got a lot of stuff.  Really, much more stuff than anyone needs, and it’s just stuff.  Sure, I have a few things that are really important and meaningful to me, but overall, I’ve just got a lot of stuff.  I think the time has come to get rid of a lot of my stuff.  I’ll keep my books and movies, but there’s so much random crap that’s been living in boxes under my bed and I haven’t looked at it in over a year.  Clearly, I do not need it to function as a human being.

The thing is, going in the ditch in South Dakota a few weeks ago started tweaking my perspective on life and such.  I guess, I never really filled all of you in on what happened after I wrote my post about going in the ditch and then being rescued and spending the night in Brookings.  What happened following my writing of  my December 9th post was even more “exciting” than going in the ditch.

About an hour after I wrote the December 9th post, I went to bed, only to wake up about 3 hours later in a full blown panic attack.  I’d had a nightmare and all I remembered when I woke up was that I was driving, and the van was going off the road and all I could see was blinding whiteness.  My panic attack basically consisted of my realizing that not only could Katy and I have frozen to death, but the fact that neither the 9-1-1 dispatcher or sheriff’s dispatcher were willing to do anything (even offer a kind word) to ease our terror.  Basically, I felt that they had left us to die.  Trust me, that’s pretty much the worst, most scared I’ve ever felt for my life (and ironically, we were completely safe at the point this feeling kicked in).  I ended up calling my mom in the middle of the night, completely hysterical, wailing that, “9-1-1 left us to die!”  Once mom got me calmed down a little and we prayed, I ended up calling my “sister” and we talked some more and prayed, and I was finally able to get to the point of being able to go back and get some sleep.

Now, when we went in the ditch on 12/9 Katy’s mom had talked to a towing company in Brookings, and they had agreed to rescue my vehicle on Monday morning.  So, when Katy & I got rescued, I called 9-1-1 back and told them not to worry about moving the car, we’d made arrangements to get it in the morning.  The dispatcher told me that was fine and that she’d documented it.  I also left a big sign under the windshield on the driver’s side with my name and phone number.  Come Monday morning, Katy called the towing company, and they told us that there were about 6 cars they needed to get before getting to ours, but they’d give us a call when they needed the keys.  About an hour later we got a call from the towing company telling us that not only was the van no longer in the ditch, but the state troopers had my van towed during the night.  Katy’s phone connection was bad, so she only got that my car was somewhere in a nearby county.  I began calling counties, and each person I talked to was completely rude and unhelpful.  Finally, Katy called the towing company back and asked if they could give her more details about where my vehicle had been towed.  They told her that the van had been towed by Tiny Town Towing in Tiny Town, SD.  Immediately, I turned to Google maps because I had never heard of Tiny Town.  Tiny Town happens to be 40 miles southwest of Brookings (Perfectly logical place to tow it, right?  Since I crashed 10 miles south of Brookings…)

I called Tiny Town Towing, and proceeded to get told that not only was my vehicle there, but there would also be fees to get it back.  I asked repeatedly for specifics on the fees, and was told that it was $100 for getting the van out of the ditch, $3.50 per loaded mile for taking the van to Chester and also for taking the van from Tiny Town to Brookings, on top of which, I was told there would be fees for diesel fuel, service, and labor.  I could not get her to tell me what the last three fees would come out to.  So, I told her I would have to call her back.  I ended up calling home finally and telling mom and dad what was going on.  Dad told me he would call Tiny Town.  At that point I was an emotional wreck because I’d spent the better part of two hours talking to rude person after rude person.  Not only was I not being my normal sweet self on the phone, I was being a stern, direct, no-nonsense “I want answers” person.

A few minutes later I ended up getting a call from Sheriff who was the county sheriff responsible for towing my vehicle.  Our conversation went something like this:

S: May I speak with Milia?

Me: This is Malia.

S: Hi, Malia, this is Sheriff  from …. County.  How are you today?

Me: Hi, Sheriff, I’m pretty stressed.

S: Well, I just wanted to let you know your vehicle is at Tiny Town Towing.

Me: Yes, I know, I’ve been talking to them.  I don’t understand why my vehicle was towed without anyone letting me know that was happening.  Especially, since I had left my phone number and let 9-1-1 know we’d made arrangements to get the vehicle towed this morning.

S: Well, it’s protocol that we tow all the vehicles from the side of the road.  If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t call anyone who’s vehicles we towed.

Me: That does not make me feel better!  Did you even bother to look at my license plate?  It says I’m from Nebraska.  I don’t know where anything is up here, and now I find out that my car is in Tiny Town which is apparently 40 miles south of here.  I went off the road 10 miles from Brookings.  I do not understand why this happened especially when I made arrangements and no one bothered to contact me.

SW: Well, you can’t just have anyone with a pick-up and a towline come out and get your vehicle.  It has to be an actual tow company.

Me: I made arrangements with an actual tow company here in Brookings!

SW: Oh.  Well, I can talk to Tiny Town Towing and see if they can bring your vehicle up.  I was there when they pulled out your van and saw where they parked it.  Of course, there will be fees for all this.

Me: I have a grand total of $20, I have no idea how you expect me to pay for this.

Honestly, there wasn’t much after that, basically I told him that we were trying to figure things out.  He pretty much ended up the conversation there.  If Barney Fife and Boss Hogg had a love child, I’m pretty sure that child would be Sheriff W.

Anyway, by that point, I just collapsed and gave up.  Fortunately, shortly after that I got a call from dad and he’d worked things out with Tiny Town Towing.  Turned out they gave him a completely different quote.   The van got dropped off about an hour later.  My sign was still sitting where I left it, and the windshield had been cleared off, so it was apparent that the sign had been seen.

I guess mom and dad were on the phone back and forth with the South Dakota state patrol all Monday.  Every time the state patrol called back they would change their story.  They eventually tried to tell the parents that I was on the road illegally, because the interstate had closed at 1:07 p.m. and I was out on the road after that.  We easily disproved that by the fact that we had text message and phone log proof that we had gone in the ditch at 12:56.

Anyway, long story short, avoid South Dakota in the winter.

Getting back to my original point, the whole realizing that we could have died or at least gotten hospitalization level hypothermia has really been working on my whole thought process. I’ve started thinking about what I really believe and also what I want out of life.  Super heavy (apparently, something’s wrong with the earth’s gravitational pull in 2012).  So, I’ve started making a list of what I want to accomplish in life before I’m 30 (which happens 11/24/2014 at 2:35 a.m.).

1.  Actually finish writing my novel.  I’ve got a good first draft, and have started on the second draft.  It’s not a life changing novel, or anything, but at least it’s better than some pop tween fiction I’ve read.

2.  Lose weight.  Okay, this is an ongoing one, but I really want to be 100 lbs. lighter by the time I’m 30.  Which is totally do-able.

3.  Clean out useless crap from my room and/or life.

4.  Go on a date.  To this point I’ve been on one date in my entire life, and while it wasn’t a bad date I’d like to experience one where I don’t feel completely blindsided.  (It’s an entertaining story, and the guy was a nice, decent, good guy, just not the guy for me).  I would like to reach 30 having gone on more than one date.  It’s not a big deal, but it’d be nice.  Plus, I’ve got two really super cute date appropriate shirts now, so that should count for something.

On a different note, even though Christmas is over for the year, you should totally take 5 minutes of your life and watch the Penny & Teddy video I posted yesterday.  I have to say that making these videos gave me a whole new level of appreciation for professional puppeteers.  I thought doing the videos would be quick and easy, and I was shocked that in order to achieve 7 minutes of semi-okay footage we worked for about 5 hours and only stopped because the two diabetic performers (mom and I) hadn’t had lunch and we were both about ready to pass out.  Here’s the video I posted yesterday (yes, I realize that I’m harping on this, but I’m actually pretty proud of myself for actually finishing a project for once in my life, and that said project turned out fairly decent).

Okay, well, I’m all pau for tonight.

Aloha.

 

P.S. There’s no Tiny Town, SD, I just changed the town name.  Also, I was nice and didn’t share the sheriff’s name.  I should also mention, that I’ve always had a lot of respect for the law, and those who do that work, and overall it really saddened me to run into this situation.

Catching Up

Published December 4, 2012 by ia84

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding writing.  Which, I’ve come to realize, is super lazy on my part.  So, this post is going to read a bit like my Random Saturday Musings.

-My last post was my 100th post since I started writing this blog!  It kind of blows my mind that I’ve reached this many posts, and that people I’ve never met have actually read a majority of my posts.  I’m so fascinated by the way that the internet connects people all over the world.

-I’ve got 10 (more like 9, now) days left here in ND.  I really should probably start packing.  On the bright side, I didn’t bring that much with me, so I don’t have as much stuff to pack.  I’m also really struggling with the fact that I have to say “good-bye” to some incredibly amazing people.  I feel like I’ve spent most of my life saying “good-bye,” and it just doesn’t get any easier.

-I’ve been filling out quite the pile of job applications.  So far, I do have a few job possibilities.  I’ve had a few people wanting to set up interviews, but don’t want to wait the week and a half for me to get home to do the interview.  That’s a bit frustrating.  However, almost all of them have told me to give them a call when I get home; so, not a complete loss.

-I had an interesting realization yesterday.  I suddenly found that I don’t care what other people think about me.  It was an incredibly random realization.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone and be what everyone wants me to be.  That’s a very exhausting existence.  I also think that trying to keep everyone happy contributes a great deal to struggling to accept and love myself.  It’s nobody’s fault that I feel like this.  I just hate it when people aren’t happy, and I have single-handedly tried to make everything better for everybody.  I’ve known in my head for a long time that this is a pretty impossible task, but it’s only just now actually sinking in to my heart.  I’m still me, I’m just no longer going to base how I am on whether it makes other people happy.

-My NaNo novel turned into a real tragedy.  By 11 p.m. on 11/29 I had written a  little over 37,000 words.  My computer insisted it needed to do a restart, and so I made sure it was saved and backed up, and I let my computer do it’s thing.  When I opened up the file, I showed that I only had 22,269 words.  You know that scene in Little Women where Jo discovers that her novel is being thrown in the fire by Amy?  That’s exactly how I felt.  Thousands of words had disappeared.  People smarter than me with computers gave me advice on locating my missing words, but it was all to no avail.  Those words were just gone.  No explanation.  So, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal.  I did, however, write a lot.  I wrote more than I’ve ever written in my entire life on one subject.  Plus, I have enough of my first draft left, I’ve been able to start work on my second draft.  I’m super excited about this novel, and I can’t wait to put it out there for the world to read!

-Exciting news on the weight loss front.  I weighed myself yesterday, and found that I’ve only got 119 lbs. to go!  This means that since I started sharing with ya’ll that I was working on losing, I’ve lost 14 lbs.  in 13 weeks.  I think that’s pretty great!  I can definitely tell that my clothes are fitting better.  I’m also not constantly feeling hungry (which is a new, unique experience).  I think this is mainly due to the diabetes meds, but I’m not complaining.

-I’m very excited to get back to working with the puppet team.  I’m super pumped, because we’ve been given the necessary items to be able to travel and do performances.  I can’t wait to see where we’re going to get to go and minister.

-Since this blog was initially conceived with the idea of keeping people at home up to date with my life here in ND, the blog’s mission is going to get tweaked a bit since I’m moving back to NE.  I’m definitely going to continue writing it, but I’m also going to share some of my photography (I love to pretend that I’m good and force my photos on anyone willing to look at them),  and I’m toying with the idea of doing some vlogs.