Life

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Dark and Troubled Times

Published December 17, 2012 by Malia

I’ve been putting my thoughts together about going into the ditch in SD.  There’s actually quite a bit more that happened after I wrote my last post, but I’ve had so much going on I haven’t gotten it put up on here yet.  However, in the midst of all my drama, there was this whole nightmare that took place in Connecticut.

This is definitely one of those times that I’m glad I don’t have kids.  I can’t imagine what the parents who’ve lost their babies are going through, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child and try to decide how to attempt to keep your child safe.  I’m not sure if the world has just been progressively getting more scary, or if it was always so scary and it’s just getting harder to hide how scary it is.  If there’s one thing I learned from Finding Nemo, it’s that you can’t protect your kids from everything, and to promise them that you will is just lying to them.  However, I don’t blame parents for wanting to protect their kids.  There’s something wrong with someone if they don’t want to protect their kids.

Anyway, I’m still grouping my thoughts, but for now my prayers are with all the families who lost their children, all the families who are directly involved in that nightmare, all those who lost friends, and all those kids who had part of their innocence so senselessly ripped away.

A Blizzard Story

Published December 9, 2012 by Malia

First off, let me just say that I am NOT a fan of snow, and after today I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever want to see snow ever again.  Just like Taylor Swift I’m officially broken up (except, in my case it’s with a weather condition and not the latest in a never-ending string of boyfriends).

Today I headed back to ND, picking up my friend in Sioux City.  The wind was terrible, but I could deal with it.  Plus, before I left Omaha, I checked all the road reports and weather, and everything was saying it was all okay.  When we got to Sioux Falls, there was some snow that was blowing across the road, but it wasn’t too terrible, and I decided to push on to Brookings (about 40 miles north).  The blowing snow progressively got worse, and I ended up driving slower and slower.  I should have pulled off at the Casino exit, but we were only about 12-15 miles from Brookings and I thought we could make it.  I don’t know what happened, we were driving slow, and suddenly I felt the van sliding sideways and we ended up gliding off into the ditch.  Honestly, if we had to go in the ditch, it could’ve been a million times worse.  We went so slow and just glided and didn’t roll the vehicle.

I tried to dig the van out and poured the kitty litter and did all the things that you’re supposed to do to get unstuck and back on the road.  Nothing worked.  We were stuck.  I called 9-1-1, and I regretted it.  The South Dakota 9-1-1 dispatchers was incredibly rude and this was basically the conversation:

Me: Our vehicle went off the road and we’re stuck in a ditch and need help.

Dispatcher: Where are you at?

Me: About 10-12 miles south of Brookings.

Dispatcher: What county are you in?

Me: I have no idea, I’m not from around here.

Dispatcher: Let me transfer you to the sheriff’s department.

I was then transferred to the sheriff’s department.

Sheriff’s dispatcher: What county are you in (Listing off two county names I didn’t even recognize)?

Me: I have no idea, I’m not from here.

Sheriff’s dispatcher: Well, is anybody injured?

Me: No, but we’re stuck.

Sheriff’s dispatcher: Well, there’s a lot of people that have gone off the road, so someone will get there at some point.

And that was the whole of the conversation.  I understand that their department was under quite a bit of stress, but there was no reason to treat a scared girl who was asking for help like they’re just causing a problem.

Fortunately, people from Katy’s company were passing by and able to pick us up.  My car is currently stranded south of Brookings, but we’re safe.  In case anyone’s wondering what the roads looked like, here’s some pictures!

DSCN0103

I really wish that these pictures weren’t accurate, but that’s really how bad it looked.

I don’t care, but maybe I do?

Published December 7, 2012 by Malia

I’m going home this weekend for one night.  There is actually a logical explanation for why I’m going to make a 1,000 mile round trip in approximately 34 hours.  Suffice it to say, it’s a good thing I’m going, even though it’s for one night, because it’ll allow me to take a load of belongings home.

Home.

What a mixture of emotions that thought conjures up.

I’m both excited and terrified of going.  I have such wonderful pipe dream plans of things I hope to accomplish, and yet I find myself obsessing over the fact that I’m going home with no job.  Yes, there are a few places that have indicated interest in possibly employing me (which is more than I had the last time I was unemployed), but there’s such a terror in the unknown.

I keep telling myself that I’m a strong young woman, and I don’t care a fig what everyone else thinks.  This is progress.  Even though a small part of me does care, I’ve at least reached a point where I can say out loud “I don’t care” and 99% mean it.  I think no matter how much we don’t care, secretly we all somewhat have that 1% of desire for approval from others.

I am truly looking forward to seeing my “niece” more than once every 4 months.  Babies grow fast.  I always knew that, but it’s really hitting home with me now that I have this little girl in my life.  She’s so precious, and I just melt when I’m around her.  That’s never really happened for me before with a baby.  I grew up an only child, and babies just weren’t a big part of my life.  As I’ve gotten older, I’ve shied away from being around babies.  I think this is mainly due to the fact that when I see a baby, it hurts something deep inside.  It’s this reminder that much as I desire to be a wife and mother (not because I’m wishing I was a 50’s housewife, but because I want to love and nurture), to this point those are things I’ve been denied.  I’ve avoided babies trying to protect myself, and it’s not just babies.

I’ve come to realize that in the last 10 years I’ve built up quite the wall around my heart.  The building has been slow going.  At first, whenever something hurt, or I was rejected, I’d put in another brick.  Then, I began ending things before they could hurt me, which meant there were more bricks being placed around my heart.  I did try, a few times, to take a chance on various things, but all ended in disaster, and  I went from using bricks to welding a metal shield around my heart.  When I was home at Thanksgiving, and I saw baby girl, I realized just how much I’ve sealed my heart off.

I’m going to try, very hard, to remove the shield, and undo the bricks.  I don’t want to be a heartless old hag.  I want to love and be loved.  I want to be able to love and accept myself, even with the laundry list of faults I know I have.  I’m not going to be perfect at it, but I’m going give it my best, and that’s all I can hope to do.

Catching Up

Published December 4, 2012 by Malia

Alrighty, I’ve been avoiding writing.  Which, I’ve come to realize, is super lazy on my part.  So, this post is going to read a bit like my Random Saturday Musings.

-My last post was my 100th post since I started writing this blog!  It kind of blows my mind that I’ve reached this many posts, and that people I’ve never met have actually read a majority of my posts.  I’m so fascinated by the way that the internet connects people all over the world.

-I’ve got 10 (more like 9, now) days left here in ND.  I really should probably start packing.  On the bright side, I didn’t bring that much with me, so I don’t have as much stuff to pack.  I’m also really struggling with the fact that I have to say “good-bye” to some incredibly amazing people.  I feel like I’ve spent most of my life saying “good-bye,” and it just doesn’t get any easier.

-I’ve been filling out quite the pile of job applications.  So far, I do have a few job possibilities.  I’ve had a few people wanting to set up interviews, but don’t want to wait the week and a half for me to get home to do the interview.  That’s a bit frustrating.  However, almost all of them have told me to give them a call when I get home; so, not a complete loss.

-I had an interesting realization yesterday.  I suddenly found that I don’t care what other people think about me.  It was an incredibly random realization.  I’ve spent my whole life trying to please everyone and be what everyone wants me to be.  That’s a very exhausting existence.  I also think that trying to keep everyone happy contributes a great deal to struggling to accept and love myself.  It’s nobody’s fault that I feel like this.  I just hate it when people aren’t happy, and I have single-handedly tried to make everything better for everybody.  I’ve known in my head for a long time that this is a pretty impossible task, but it’s only just now actually sinking in to my heart.  I’m still me, I’m just no longer going to base how I am on whether it makes other people happy.

-My NaNo novel turned into a real tragedy.  By 11 p.m. on 11/29 I had written a  little over 37,000 words.  My computer insisted it needed to do a restart, and so I made sure it was saved and backed up, and I let my computer do it’s thing.  When I opened up the file, I showed that I only had 22,269 words.  You know that scene in Little Women where Jo discovers that her novel is being thrown in the fire by Amy?  That’s exactly how I felt.  Thousands of words had disappeared.  People smarter than me with computers gave me advice on locating my missing words, but it was all to no avail.  Those words were just gone.  No explanation.  So, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal.  I did, however, write a lot.  I wrote more than I’ve ever written in my entire life on one subject.  Plus, I have enough of my first draft left, I’ve been able to start work on my second draft.  I’m super excited about this novel, and I can’t wait to put it out there for the world to read!

-Exciting news on the weight loss front.  I weighed myself yesterday, and found that I’ve only got 119 lbs. to go!  This means that since I started sharing with ya’ll that I was working on losing, I’ve lost 14 lbs.  in 13 weeks.  I think that’s pretty great!  I can definitely tell that my clothes are fitting better.  I’m also not constantly feeling hungry (which is a new, unique experience).  I think this is mainly due to the diabetes meds, but I’m not complaining.

-I’m very excited to get back to working with the puppet team.  I’m super pumped, because we’ve been given the necessary items to be able to travel and do performances.  I can’t wait to see where we’re going to get to go and minister.

-Since this blog was initially conceived with the idea of keeping people at home up to date with my life here in ND, the blog’s mission is going to get tweaked a bit since I’m moving back to NE.  I’m definitely going to continue writing it, but I’m also going to share some of my photography (I love to pretend that I’m good and force my photos on anyone willing to look at them),  and I’m toying with the idea of doing some vlogs.

 

And now this story takes a twist…

Published November 27, 2012 by Malia

I’ve really been debating whether to write about what’s going on.  Since I’ve found writing this blog to be therapeutic, I’m going to go ahead and lay it all out there.  

This has been quite a difficult semester.  First there was the diagnosis of fun diseases (and by fun I mean super duper crappy type of fun), and then I got to start taking medicine.  I went from being a girl who only took anything stronger than ibuprofen when she had dental work done, to be the girl who has to keep track of whether she’s taken her pills everyday.  On top of this the meds and the stress completely threw my sleep out of joint.  Added to this, there was a bout of depression that hit me, and I found myself in counseling.  All in all, it’s been a lot to handle.

The final straw came the day I headed home for Thanksgiving break.  I had a seriously unpleasant meeting with the financial aid department that pretty much sealed the decision that for now the best option for me is to go back home to Omaha.  

I was handling this nightmare semi-sanely while I was home over break, but when I got back to campus on Sunday night it really hit me hard.  I had no plans to be leaving school and moving back home this soon.  I have been crying a lot, and I’m super stressed and super overwhelmed.  I feel like I’m back two and a half years ago.  I’ve started job hunting again, and I feel like my world is just falling apart.

I’m sure it sounds stupid, but I’ve always been the good girl.  Always tried to do the right thing, and no matter how hard or little I try, everything I do falls apart.  I always fall for the wrong guy.  I just feel like such a screwed up mess.

 I know, I’m quite the drama queen.

Another year older. Another year more immature?

Published November 25, 2012 by Malia

Today (11/24) was my 28th birthday.  My mother threatened to come in my room at 2:35 a.m. (the time I was born) and recreate the phone conversation from City Slickers.  If you’ve never seen the film (and you really should), here’s the conversation I’m referring to:

Anyway, thankfully she waited until 8 a.m. to deliver the “angel birthday girl” speech.  (My mom is fantastic, ya’ll wish you had a mama as awesome!)  Overall I had a wonderful day.  I did some epic yarn shopping (and I do mean epic), and am ready to make a pile of hats.  My parents and I went to see Wreck-It Ralph.  It was cute, but definitely not the best animated film I’ve ever seen.  It felt a bit slow, but I did enjoy all the nostalgic parts of it.  I got to have lunch at Red Lobster, a big treat in my family, and the shrimp & scallop alfredo was amazing as always.  My birthday cake was cheesecake (yes, it was a really naughty day for a diabetic, but hey you’re only 28 once), and I the piece I had was pumpkin and soooooo delicious!

Tonight I saw two films I’ve never seen before, but did own (I’m kind of bad about buying movies I want to see when I find them for cheap at Walmart or Half Price Books).  First, we watched Gremlins, which is a wonderful Christmas movie.  Then, I watched Poltergeist.  Yeah, definitely a film I don’t want to watch all the time, but it was a pretty great film.  Gets in your head, though.

Wow, 28.  It seems like such a big number.  I still feel like a teenager, and have no intention of trying to feel old.  I learned last week that my future plans are being thrown out the window.  I’m okay with this, though.  I need to get better at adjustment, and this is just another way to learn that.  Sure, it terrifies me, but at least I don’t have to face it alone.

I announced on Facebook tonight the fact that my birthday wish this year is that God would bring someone into my life.  I know I don’t need a man in my life, but I’ve spent 28 years as a single woman, and I’m perfectly fine if I reach 29 and still have no boyfriend experience.  I just don’t want to be alone anymore.  There are so many different kinds of being alone, and I’m certainly surrounded by family and friends and I appreciate it; but I don’t have anyone that (for back of a better descriptor) is my “special someone.”  I’m sure it sounds silly and selfish.  I should probably be wishing for world peace or something epic like that.  Anyway, this isn’t me demanding God give me a boyfriend, I’m just wishing and hoping that there’d be some indication that I’m not going to be single forever (how’s that for being a dram queen?).

I’m headed back to school tomorrow, and right now I’m trying to figure out where my iPod might be.  I had it with me when I came home, so I know it’s here somewhere I’m just not sure where.  Then I have 19 days until I’m home for good.

Random Saturday Musings

Published November 10, 2012 by Malia

-So, winter storm Brutus (our storm is named Brutus because letter a-Athena-is apparently hitting the East Coast pretty hard) has been a huge let down here.  It’s hit other parts of the state really hard, but all we’ve gotten is a rain/ice mix.  I’m not complaining too much, though, because I’m hoping to not have to drive through much snow when I head home in about a week.

-Apparently The Hobbit pre-sale tickets outsold the pre-sale tickets of both Skyfall & Breaking Dawn 2.  I don’t care so much about it outselling Bond, but I’m super excited it outsold the (hopefully) final Twilight film.  There’s still hope for humanity!  Also, I say “hopefully final” knowing full well that the entire series will probably get remade in a few years.  Back to The Hobbit.  I’m so, so, so, so super, overwhelmingly excited to see it!  I’m so pumped I can’t hardly wait (but I have to, because it’s over a month until it comes out).  

-So, I’m behind on my NaNo.  I’m at 12,797 words, and I need to 16,666 today in order to get back on track.  That’s not quite 4,000 words, so shouldn’t be too hard to reach.  Right now, in Word, that’s showing up (with page breaks done for new chapters) as 47 pages in Pacifico font, and 37 pages in Times New Roman.  That’s 12 pt., single spaced.  (I’m writing in Pacifico because it looks like actual cursive, so I feel like I’m not just typing, but I’m writing.  I probably sound silly, but hey, it works.)  I can honestly say that I’ve never written this much on one subject in my entire life.  Even though my story is getting better, I know the beginning is an absolute travesty.  I desperately want to go back and re-do it, but I made a deal with Katy that neither of us would go back and re-read and undo until December.  It’s a good thing I made that deal.  It’s forcing me to really try to finish something.  I’m not very good at finishing things, so this NaNo is teaching me a very important lesson.

-Everyone seems to be having babies.  Seriously, I have three friends who all had babies within the last 48 hours.  I have friends who are due soon.  I have friends who’ve had babies in the last two weeks.

-I realized, as I was falling asleep last night, that I left my NaNo characters heading out into the outdoors on their journey.  This ought to be good, considering I’m not exactly Outdoors Woman.  While this issue really freaked me out last night, today I feel much more okay about it.  At least it’s not set on Earth, so I can be as creative as I want.

-This last Monday I was having a particularly down day, and I was feeling incredibly sad and hopeless.  I got an email in the middle of the day stating that I had a package in the mail room of the service center.  I immediately went over, because I knew I hadn’t ordered anything, so I couldn’t imagine what would be there.  To my shock, a family from my home church had sent me a care package!  It really did come at the perfect time, and it was so helpful.

-Okay, so this is kind of hard to admit to, but I started going to the campus counseling center a few weeks ago.  The gal who’s been treating me at Student Health thought it would be a good idea, since this whole chronic disease thing is a pretty bitter pill to swallow.  I figured, “Hey, it’s free, it couldn’t hurt.”  So, I started going.  I really wasn’t sure what to expect, but it’s actually been pretty good for me to talk to someone who’s neither friend nor family, but who I know isn’t going to go blabbing my issues all over the place.  (There’s a whole contract of confidentiality that legally keeps her from doing this.)  Anyway, this week I got assigned homework.  I’m supposed to come up with five good things about myself.  I think this homework was brought on by the fact that the week before we did my intake questionnaire  and when we got to the question, “What are good things about yourself?”  I sat there frozen, and finally came up with, “I’m punctual?”  Which, I am, but it’ a pretty sad state of affairs when the only good thing I can come up with about myself is that I’m on time, and when I state that fact I end up sounding like I’m questioning myself.  Of course, the following question in the intake was about what I didn’t like about myself, and the list I produced was quite long.  So, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching to try to come up with five things I honestly believe are true of myself and are also good.  I’m not sure why I’ve got such a low opinion of myself.  It’s certainly no one else’s fault.  My family has done nothing but remind me that they love me, and how precious and valuable I am to them.  I have friends who genuinely like me, so I know there’s got to be good things about me, I just have to learn to see them for myself.

Election Day Thoughts

Published November 6, 2012 by Malia

-Why do they start saying who won which state before all the votes are counted?  It really seems that there should be a 100% count before the electoral college is allowed to do their thing.

-I find it interesting how politicians use celebrities.  How many celebrities have made better life choices than the rest of us?  Why is it that we’re expected to let someone popular sway our decision?

Random Saturday Musings

Published November 4, 2012 by Malia

-Last night I dreamed I joined concert band again.  I was playing the 3rd Trumped part, and I was so happy to be back in band I didn’t  care.

-I ended yesterday with a word total of 3,829.  I need to reach 5,000 words today to stay on course.  I’m really struggling to not delete everything and start over.  Anytime that I write I end up doing that, and so I never finish anything.  I’m really determined that no matter how bad (and believe me, this novel is really bad) what I write  is, I will do no editing until I reach December.