There is so much I should be doing right now. There are several laundry baskets full of clean clothes waiting to be put away. The sink is full of dishes that need to be dealt with. I have piles of pretty paper I need to slice up to become inserts for cards. I have a blanket that I’m crocheting.
Instead of doing any of that, I’m sitting here contemplating why the majority of humans decided to live in houses, rather than in caves.
I would love to live in either a cave or an abandoned missile silo that’s been refurbished. Maybe I’ve just lived through way too many tornados. Houses just seems so fragile.
Anyway, not much else to report on this end. Hopefully everyone is having a pleasant, disease-free weekend!
I hadn’t been in a few months, and I realized on Monday, after getting Tom’s official cancer diagnosis from the doctor, that I really needed a session.
I’m just so overwhelmed by my feelings at present. Since I have a really bad habit of refusing to acknowledge what I’m feeling and just squashing them down deep inside, I’m trying to break that.
Here’s the thing about therapy. I appreciate it. It’s been amazingly helpful. It is not fun. I don’t walk out and immediately feel better. But there’s something about sitting in a judgement free zone, talking about what I’m thinking that really makes a difference.
I’m learning that it’s okay to feel all the feelings. It’s okay to be sad or angry or frustrated or any other emotion that sweeps over me. It’s okay to acknowledge those feelings and give name to them. The important thing is what I do with those feelings.
I think it’s important to point out that just because I’m facing some dark feelings, that doesn’t mean I’ve lost hope or my faith. I’m still reeling from feeling blindsided by all this, plus I’m grieving right now. I’m still dealing with some grief over my old job. I’m grieving my lost babies. I’m grieving putting dreams on hold. And I’m grieving Tom’s kidney. I’m sure that sounds absurd, but that’s just how things are right now.
So, what about Tom? He’s always been incredibly supportive of me getting mental health help. He knows that I’m equally supportive of him seeking help. But doing so is a very personal choice. So, I check in on him regularly, and the door is open if he decides he does want to talk to a professional.
I’m spending today binge watching Buzzfeed Unsolved. I just finished the available true crime episodes, and now I’m jumping into the paranormal episodes. I feel slightly bad for Tom, because the only reason I’m doing it today is because he’s home, and sitting within arm’s reach
See, I have a super overactive imagination, and I’ve found watching these sorts of things alone tends to be a super bad idea. So, watching creepy stuff with the level headed, super skeptic helps me not get completely freaked out.
Not sure why, but I’ve always been fascinated by this kind of stuff. I don’t like horror movies, but I’m genuinely fascinated by ghost stories, cryptids, and the unexplainable.
It’s probably good that Tom is such a skeptic, it brings balance.
I’m really surprised at how fast Tom seems to be recovering. I don’t know if it’s because in the past every family member I helped care for post-surgery/coma weren’t as young and healthy as Tom, or if it’s because the robotic surgery is a little less traumatic than traditional surgery. Maybe it’s a combo of both.
On Thursday, after the surgery was complete, I met with Tom’s doctor who informed me that everything went as expected. Immediately after, I went back to the waiting area and I made the mistake of sitting down for a moment to collect my thoughts.
And then I tried to stand up.
All of a sudden, the sheer idea of standing up was so completely overwhelming, my body refused to cooperate. It was like a physical wall of exhaustion slammed into my body. I ended up sitting there, texting family, “I think I live in this chair now.”
Finally, after almost an hour, I got so nauseous because of dropped blood sugar, that I forced myself up and down to the cafe for what ended up being a really delicious bowl of udon noodles with chicken.
Yesterday, Saturday, Tom rested and played video games, while I worked on cards for some orders that came in over the last few days. Mid-afternoon, I got so tired I crashed in bed for a few hours.
Last night, I watched This is a Robbery on Netflix. It’s a documentary series about the big art heist in Boston back in the 90’s. It was interesting, but the music was unnecessarily creepy. I was quite glad Tom was home, since I watched most of it after nightfall.
Not much on tap for us today. I’m waiting for Amazon to drop off the new blade for my Cricut so I can finish the orders I was working on yesterday. I keep threatening him that I’m going to put Twister on because he doesn’t love it like I do, and his only escape is napping 😅
Not much to report today. They released Tom this morning, and now we’re home. He’s playing video games and drinking fluids. I’m waiting for Target & CVS to finish filling grocery and medication orders. Hopefully it’ll be a quiet weekend for all of us.
Tom is still in recovery, but they’ll be moving him soon. I’m so anxious to see him.
We didn’t have to check in until 8 a.m. so we were able to get up at a normal time. Groot was not thrilled her people were getting up and she moved and went back to sleep in the funniest position:
At least, I thought it was funny how she left her butt hanging out.
Before we left, I got this magical gem of a picture:
I call this the “Paint me like one of your French girls” pose.
Here we are at check-in:
And here we are right before they took him away to relieve him of his kidney and tumor:
And I didn’t realize my mask was on upside down until way later 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
The Buffett Cancer Center has this beautiful garden area, and that’s where I hung out until they came to tell me his surgery was finishing up. It’s a beautiful day (although there’s a chilly wind), and here’s where I got to hang:
Being able to be outside in such a beautiful garden was such a gift. It really helped my anxiety.
That’s about all from this neck of the woods. Thank you all for the prayers and good vibes.
I’m killing time right now, waiting for Groot to be done at the vet. Her vet is located all the way across town, and I don’t really have the gas money to drive all the way back home and then all the way back. I had asked for them to be done by noon, but noon came and went and she’s still not done.
Tom’s pre-surgery Covid and influenza tests came back negative, so the surgery is a go. I asked him how he was feeling about it, and he responded, “Fine. Looking forward to the long rest.” To be fair, he works his butt off, so at least a week off his feet with nothing required of him will be a good thing.
3:12 pm
We’re home now. According to the vet, Groot is in pretty good condition considering she’s going to be 15 in July. The vet she saw today isn’t the one she normally sees. I got a bit frustrated when she wouldn’t listen to me about the reason I won’t put Groot under anesthesia. Groot has a heart murmur, and that combined with her age makes me unwilling to put her under for a dental cleaning. The vet she normally sees is very understanding of this. However, today’s vet started listing off all the things I would need to do to get Groot a dental. Things like taking Groot to a pet cardiologist so they could check her out and do imaging. Finally, frustrated and with the beginnings of a migraine I made it clear that wasn’t an option right now, especially with me being out of a job and Tom’s kidney fun. Even then, I could tell she thought I was just making stuff up to keep from providing the best care for my baby. I used to be a vet tech at a different branch of the same vet corporation. I know when a vet isn’t listening and is judging a pet owner. Would I love to be able to provide Groot with everything? Yes, of course. She is my baby. But I also am her mama and I’m doing the very best I can for her. She gets good food, lots of attention and affection, and I will do whatever I can for her.
I’m so exhausted and I have so much to do. Yesterday, I had a whole schedule of things to complete, and then I got trapped in ADHD hyperfixation. I didn’t even realize it until I looked at the clock and realized that 9 hours had passed and I thought it had only been 1. A bit frustrating, but at least I did get some cards made.
I’m going to try to get some actual work done around the house (before this migraine goes full blown) and I have my favorite sports show on. Chopped is a sports show, right?
I couldn’t sleep last night. The anxiety was so high the sleeping pill I took did nothing until 4 a.m. I was awoken a few minutes before 9 a.m. when Groot jumped out of bed. My body is trained to wake up when Groot gets up, cause I’ve learned the hard way that if I don’t, she’ll leave me presents on my closet floor. And believe me, no one wants those presents.
Let me just state here, I genuinely thought today was Thursday.
I put on my glasses, cause running on almost 5 hours of sleep, I figured I would probably come back in and go back to bed. I got Groot outside, and immediately my stomach dropped.
Everyone in the neighborhood had their trash can at the curb and all the lids were open, which means they had all been emptied. I was baffled. It was Thursday! Why did no one tell me our trash day had changed? There had been no notification from the city. Plus, no one had their trash out last night, not even the super dependable neighbors directly across the street. So, when did they all put the cans at the curb, and how did they know the trash day had changed?
I pulled out my phone, intending to look up the trash day schedule on the city’s website. And then I saw it.
It’s Friday.
Our regular trash day.
So, as Groot did her business, I stood there and cried.
I’m clearly doing well at this whole handling life thing.
I’m doing the slightly monotonous work of making inserts for greeting cards. I have all this really pretty cardstock paper that I’m cutting down into correct size.
I’ve also got New Girl on in the background. I realized yesterday that I fell off the show, completely unintentionally, after the second season. And since my memory sucks and it’s been a few years since I last watched it, I started it over from the beginning. The show is quite a bit funnier than I remember it being. One small problem though, since I spent so much time throwing up, my abdominal side muscles hurt super bad every time I start laughing. On the bright side, I still haven’t thrown up since before I made my non-post post yesterday. And I realize that is way too much tmi about my bodily functions. The whole point is, this show is making me laugh so much, but because it really hurts to laugh, my laughs start out normal and then quickly turns to me going, “Ow, ha, ow, ha ow ow ow!”
Tune in tomorrow for another exciting installment of “Malia is either actually getting stuff done or she’s been disassociating for the last 8+ hours.”
P.S. I do have regular dissociative episodes that frequently involve me just staring at a wall for hours on end. I frequently deal with my mental health issues by making jokes about it.
Any Second Now... 