-It has been reinforced to me this week just how many STDs are floating around out there. I’m baffled by how many people engage in sex without having their partner thoroughly tested.
-It really sucks just how depressed my diabetes meds make me. Doesn’t help that I forgot to take my meds for about a week, and when I started up again I got hit really hard with the depression.
-I’m thinking I want to save up for one of those giant bean bag chairs.
-I’m glad that my hair is finally long enough to braid.
-The first images from Catching Fire are really making me want to see the film, even though I had pretty much decided I didn’t want to see it. The books are fantastic, but so depressing. However, I’m thinking I shall probably plan to see it.
-Pizza sounds amazing right now.
-I am soooooooooo overwhelmingly excited for my first real paycheck in years!
-Tonight a friend used the words, “Make it so.” while we were talking online. The only thing that would’ve made it more entertaining would be if he had included a photo of Picard.
I’ve really been debating whether to write about what’s going on. Since I’ve found writing this blog to be therapeutic, I’m going to go ahead and lay it all out there.
This has been quite a difficult semester. First there was the diagnosis of fun diseases (and by fun I mean super duper crappy type of fun), and then I got to start taking medicine. I went from being a girl who only took anything stronger than ibuprofen when she had dental work done, to be the girl who has to keep track of whether she’s taken her pills everyday. On top of this the meds and the stress completely threw my sleep out of joint. Added to this, there was a bout of depression that hit me, and I found myself in counseling. All in all, it’s been a lot to handle.
The final straw came the day I headed home for Thanksgiving break. I had a seriously unpleasant meeting with the financial aid department that pretty much sealed the decision that for now the best option for me is to go back home to Omaha.
I was handling this nightmare semi-sanely while I was home over break, but when I got back to campus on Sunday night it really hit me hard. I had no plans to be leaving school and moving back home this soon. I have been crying a lot, and I’m super stressed and super overwhelmed. I feel like I’m back two and a half years ago. I’ve started job hunting again, and I feel like my world is just falling apart.
I’m sure it sounds stupid, but I’ve always been the good girl. Always tried to do the right thing, and no matter how hard or little I try, everything I do falls apart. I always fall for the wrong guy. I just feel like such a screwed up mess.
Okay, so most of today was really rotten (pretty much everything before 6:30). It was my breaking point after several days of not feeling well and just feeling sad. Not depressed. I had no desire to do myself in or anything like that. There was just this sadness brought on by a variety of things (including the fact that I’m starting to realize that our family really has lost a member, and life is going to be different). Then, there was this epic moment when I went to get lunch, and as I was about to pour my drink, my tray slipped and tray, food, and dishes all went tumbling to the ground, making sure to completely cover my jacket and pants. I was already a basket case at that point, so I pretty much ran from the cafeteria. Fortunately, no one clapped. This was surprising, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in there when a tray goes down and there is no clapping. I’m particularly thankful there was no clapping, because I think I would’ve started crying right there, instead of crying once I got back to the dorm. However, it may take me awhile before I can face that dining center again. I may try the other two on campus.
On the bright side, the evening totally made up for the rest of the day. At one point I was informed that I’m Rapunzel from Tangled. There was a lot of laughter, and that definitely helped buoy the spirits.
Not a big post tonight, but since I’m trying very hard to make an attempt at everyday blogging, it’s a post all the same.
I realized tonight that two years ago my life got turned completely upside down. In fact, I was in such shock and depression that I spent the better part of ten days only getting out of bed for food and the bathroom. I was a mess. Looking back, knowing all the facts, it’s still hard, and there’s still an ache inside, but I’m so much happier now than I was then.
I’m just amazed how quickly two years can slip by.