A few months ago I found myself at dinner with a group of women. Since they all have small children, most of the conversation focused on said small children. I heard many gross stories (mostly involving throw-up. I came home and kind of freaked out. The poor boy was met with the line of questioning, “Did you know kids throw up? Cause they do! Like all the time! Pretty much everywhere! It’s all they do! It’s their entire life’s purpose! You can’t even change the sheets because they’re just gonna hurl all over them!”).
There was one point in the evening when the topic of blogging came up. I got asked if I’ve ever gotten any mean comments. I replied that I don’t really get many comments, but the ones I have gotten have always been fine, kind even. However, I don’t really write anything inflammatory. I write fluff.
The truth is, I could easily write multiple posts about how mad and/or offended I am by whatever the trending thing that everyone is mad and offended by. But, what would be the point of that? Sure, I’d probably get more readers if I was loud and opinionated all the time. I won’t lie, that would be kind of nice, a bit of an ego boost. But, at the end of the day, what good would it do? The internet is already full of loud, opinionated, angry people, how would I be making the world a better place by adding my voice to that seething cesspool of hate?
Besides, if you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m kind of a wreck. I’m not the most emotionally healthy person you’ll ever meet (more healthy than some, less healthy than most). More than once it’s been mentioned to me that I’m a bit manic. So, keeping that in mind, it would be unwise for me to constantly write about things that upset me, because it would just lower my mood and do a number on my general emotional state.
Instead, I’m going to keep writing about fluff. Talking about how much I love my Jams (www.mannaberry.jamberrynails.net)! Sharing about my car drama. Raising eyebrows about the weird world of medicine. Mooning over the boy.
And if you’re really desperate to get my opinion on something controversial, feel free to ask.
(What follows is my own need to do some venting. Read at your own risk.)
Lately, things have been feeling overwhelming. I’m not really sure why, either. I just know that in the last few months, even the small parts of life feel like they’re these giant mountains that I have no way of dealing with. Most days, I just don’t even have the motivation or energy to care about trying to deal with them.
I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with depression. This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been down this road. Depression is scary. It’s so, overwhelmingly terrifying. My brain is constantly yelling horrible things at me. It’s a constant litany of all my faults, all the things I have failed at. When I was in counseling last year, the counselor asked me to list out things I liked about myself, and all I could come up with was that I’m not just punctual, I’m consistently early (true story, I’m a bit obsessive about being on time). However, when she asked me to list out what I disliked about myself, it was like I developed diarrhea of the mouth. The list was unending. I’m hyper aware of my faults and screw-ups and complete failures. A year later, my answers are still the same to both questions.
Some days, like today, just feel so dark. All I want to do is curl up and be sad.
The worst part is, I have absolutely no reason to be feeling like this. I have a good life. I have fantastic friends, an amazing job, a loving family, a home, a roof over my head, a vehicle that works. I’m able to pay my bills, buy my nerdy stuff, fill my Christmas child boxes. This is just a small smattering of the good things God has blessed me with.
I haven’t experienced terrible things. My life has been pretty good. I have no excuse for this. There’s no reason for it. I don’t feel like life is pointless or that there’s no reason to go on. I’m thankful for my life, I see there is purpose. I just wish the sadness wasn’t so suffocating.
-It has been reinforced to me this week just how many STDs are floating around out there. I’m baffled by how many people engage in sex without having their partner thoroughly tested.
-It really sucks just how depressed my diabetes meds make me. Doesn’t help that I forgot to take my meds for about a week, and when I started up again I got hit really hard with the depression.
-I’m thinking I want to save up for one of those giant bean bag chairs.
-I’m glad that my hair is finally long enough to braid.
-The first images from Catching Fire are really making me want to see the film, even though I had pretty much decided I didn’t want to see it. The books are fantastic, but so depressing. However, I’m thinking I shall probably plan to see it.
-Pizza sounds amazing right now.
-I am soooooooooo overwhelmingly excited for my first real paycheck in years!
-Tonight a friend used the words, “Make it so.” while we were talking online. The only thing that would’ve made it more entertaining would be if he had included a photo of Picard.
I’ve really been debating whether to write about what’s going on. Since I’ve found writing this blog to be therapeutic, I’m going to go ahead and lay it all out there.
This has been quite a difficult semester. First there was the diagnosis of fun diseases (and by fun I mean super duper crappy type of fun), and then I got to start taking medicine. I went from being a girl who only took anything stronger than ibuprofen when she had dental work done, to be the girl who has to keep track of whether she’s taken her pills everyday. On top of this the meds and the stress completely threw my sleep out of joint. Added to this, there was a bout of depression that hit me, and I found myself in counseling. All in all, it’s been a lot to handle.
The final straw came the day I headed home for Thanksgiving break. I had a seriously unpleasant meeting with the financial aid department that pretty much sealed the decision that for now the best option for me is to go back home to Omaha.
I was handling this nightmare semi-sanely while I was home over break, but when I got back to campus on Sunday night it really hit me hard. I had no plans to be leaving school and moving back home this soon. I have been crying a lot, and I’m super stressed and super overwhelmed. I feel like I’m back two and a half years ago. I’ve started job hunting again, and I feel like my world is just falling apart.
I’m sure it sounds stupid, but I’ve always been the good girl. Always tried to do the right thing, and no matter how hard or little I try, everything I do falls apart. I always fall for the wrong guy. I just feel like such a screwed up mess.
Okay, so most of today was really rotten (pretty much everything before 6:30). It was my breaking point after several days of not feeling well and just feeling sad. Not depressed. I had no desire to do myself in or anything like that. There was just this sadness brought on by a variety of things (including the fact that I’m starting to realize that our family really has lost a member, and life is going to be different). Then, there was this epic moment when I went to get lunch, and as I was about to pour my drink, my tray slipped and tray, food, and dishes all went tumbling to the ground, making sure to completely cover my jacket and pants. I was already a basket case at that point, so I pretty much ran from the cafeteria. Fortunately, no one clapped. This was surprising, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in there when a tray goes down and there is no clapping. I’m particularly thankful there was no clapping, because I think I would’ve started crying right there, instead of crying once I got back to the dorm. However, it may take me awhile before I can face that dining center again. I may try the other two on campus.
On the bright side, the evening totally made up for the rest of the day. At one point I was informed that I’m Rapunzel from Tangled. There was a lot of laughter, and that definitely helped buoy the spirits.
Not a big post tonight, but since I’m trying very hard to make an attempt at everyday blogging, it’s a post all the same.
I realized tonight that two years ago my life got turned completely upside down. In fact, I was in such shock and depression that I spent the better part of ten days only getting out of bed for food and the bathroom. I was a mess. Looking back, knowing all the facts, it’s still hard, and there’s still an ache inside, but I’m so much happier now than I was then.
I’m just amazed how quickly two years can slip by.