Published November 9, 2013 by Malia

(What follows is my own need to do some venting.  Read at your own risk.)

Lately, things have been feeling overwhelming.  I’m not really sure why, either.  I just know that in the last few months, even the small parts of life feel like they’re these giant mountains that I have no way of dealing with.  Most days, I just don’t even have the motivation or energy to care about trying to deal with them.

I’m pretty sure I’m dealing with depression.  This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve been down this road.  Depression is scary.  It’s so, overwhelmingly terrifying.  My brain is constantly yelling horrible things at me.  It’s a constant litany of all my faults, all the things I have failed at.  When I was in counseling last year, the counselor asked me to list out  things I liked about myself, and all I could come up with was that I’m not just punctual, I’m consistently early (true story, I’m a bit obsessive about being on time).  However, when she asked me to list out what I disliked about myself, it was like I developed diarrhea of the mouth.  The list was unending.  I’m hyper aware of my faults and screw-ups and complete failures.  A year later, my answers are still the same to both questions.

Some days, like today, just feel so dark.  All I want to do is curl up and be sad.

The worst part is, I have absolutely no reason to be feeling like this.  I have a good life.  I have fantastic friends, an amazing job, a loving family, a home, a roof over my head, a vehicle that works.  I’m able to pay my bills, buy my nerdy stuff, fill my Christmas child boxes.  This is just a small smattering of the good things God has blessed me with.

I haven’t experienced terrible things.  My life has been pretty good.  I have no excuse for this.  There’s no reason for it.  I don’t feel like life is pointless or that there’s no reason to go on.  I’m thankful for my life, I see there is purpose.  I just wish the sadness wasn’t so suffocating.

One comment on “Overwhelmed

  • Yeah. That’s depression. I spent two years there. Not fun.

    Also, something else that sounds familiar… have you ever been tested for ADHD? The two have a tendency to coexist, though nobody’s sure if one causes the other, or what. It’s just… the consistently early thing, and a mention in another post about you being a little bit OCD. It’s not uncommon for people with ADHD to develop OCD symptoms as a way to cope. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 29, and yeah. OCD symptoms, i haz them.

    But that’s just me, and you may not have it at all, so feel free to ignore this.

    With only this post to go on, may I offer this for comfort (and if it is not comforting, discard it): Your worth as a human being is unconnected to how you feel about yourself. It is also unconnected to your “performance”, or your success (or failure) in doing what is right.

    And if you’re interested, I have a blog: http://beautifulsynthesis.com One of these days I’ll get back to posting regularly.

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