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All posts for the month May, 2021

Today I am waiting…and waiting some more…

Published May 13, 2021 by Malia

Surgery is over.

Tom is still in recovery, but they’ll be moving him soon. I’m so anxious to see him.

We didn’t have to check in until 8 a.m. so we were able to get up at a normal time. Groot was not thrilled her people were getting up and she moved and went back to sleep in the funniest position:

At least, I thought it was funny how she left her butt hanging out.

Before we left, I got this magical gem of a picture:

I call this the “Paint me like one of your French girls” pose.

Here we are at check-in:

And here we are right before they took him away to relieve him of his kidney and tumor:

And I didn’t realize my mask was on upside down until way later 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

The Buffett Cancer Center has this beautiful garden area, and that’s where I hung out until they came to tell me his surgery was finishing up. It’s a beautiful day (although there’s a chilly wind), and here’s where I got to hang:

Being able to be outside in such a beautiful garden was such a gift. It really helped my anxiety.

That’s about all from this neck of the woods. Thank you all for the prayers and good vibes.

Can I just have a pile of dogs to cuddle with?

Published May 12, 2021 by Malia

12:57 pm

I’m killing time right now, waiting for Groot to be done at the vet. Her vet is located all the way across town, and I don’t really have the gas money to drive all the way back home and then all the way back. I had asked for them to be done by noon, but noon came and went and she’s still not done.

Tom’s pre-surgery Covid and influenza tests came back negative, so the surgery is a go. I asked him how he was feeling about it, and he responded, “Fine. Looking forward to the long rest.” To be fair, he works his butt off, so at least a week off his feet with nothing required of him will be a good thing.

3:12 pm

We’re home now. According to the vet, Groot is in pretty good condition considering she’s going to be 15 in July. The vet she saw today isn’t the one she normally sees. I got a bit frustrated when she wouldn’t listen to me about the reason I won’t put Groot under anesthesia. Groot has a heart murmur, and that combined with her age makes me unwilling to put her under for a dental cleaning. The vet she normally sees is very understanding of this. However, today’s vet started listing off all the things I would need to do to get Groot a dental. Things like taking Groot to a pet cardiologist so they could check her out and do imaging. Finally, frustrated and with the beginnings of a migraine I made it clear that wasn’t an option right now, especially with me being out of a job and Tom’s kidney fun. Even then, I could tell she thought I was just making stuff up to keep from providing the best care for my baby. I used to be a vet tech at a different branch of the same vet corporation. I know when a vet isn’t listening and is judging a pet owner. Would I love to be able to provide Groot with everything? Yes, of course. She is my baby. But I also am her mama and I’m doing the very best I can for her. She gets good food, lots of attention and affection, and I will do whatever I can for her.

I’m so exhausted and I have so much to do. Yesterday, I had a whole schedule of things to complete, and then I got trapped in ADHD hyperfixation. I didn’t even realize it until I looked at the clock and realized that 9 hours had passed and I thought it had only been 1. A bit frustrating, but at least I did get some cards made.

I’m going to try to get some actual work done around the house (before this migraine goes full blown) and I have my favorite sports show on. Chopped is a sports show, right?

So, medical bills are super fun…said no one ever.

Published May 11, 2021 by Malia

(The following post contains shameless self promotion)

The bills have started rolling in from the kidney cancer fun (and the surgery hasn’t even happened yet).  Yes, we do have insurance.  We’re already facing fights with them to cover things that absolutely were necessary, but they have determined were not.  Personally, I’m not sure how a CT scan to get images of a giant tumor and decide if surgery is needed can be considered “Not medically necessary.”

Things were already a bit tight, but we’ve been really careful. I’m not yet at the point that I can return to working a traditional job. So, I’m getting creative in an effort to help bring in some extra money.

Introducing my revamped Etsy shop, Made by Mannaberry.

https://www.etsy.com/shop/MadeByMannaberry

Right now, my main offerings are what I’m calling “In A Pinch Card Bundles.” The idea came to me a few months back, when I once again forgot to get a card for an event until the day of. There is little I hate more than going to the store on Sunday afternoon. It occurred to me that having cards ready to go at all time would save me from last minute Walmart visits. I realize that I cannot be the only one who constantly forgets to buy a card. Hence, the In A Pinch bundles.

Thanks for reading my plug for my shop. I promise tomorrow I’ll be back with a regular post.

I can’t sleep, so I might as well play Fallout.

Published May 10, 2021 by Malia

Kids, the insomnia is bad.  I even gave in and took the meds that normally help me sleep and so far…I’m wide awake.  I suppose I might be just the tiniest bit stressed about Thursday. 

That’s right, it’s surgery week!  We are officially in the homestretch. 

The more I think about it, the weirder this experience seems.  Kidney cancer.  The word cancer immediately brings to mind a whole list of awful components.  Chemo, long hospital stays, surgeries, death. And that’s just the first few things I can think of. I’m quite grateful that it seems the cancer had been caught before it spreads. The urologist told us that Tom’s not looking at anything like chemo or radiation for now. It’s very likely that if surgery goes well that will be all that’s needed. This last few weeks has been an overwhelming whirlwind.

This week feels crazy, and it hasn’t truly begun.

Today is clearly off to a magical start, right?

Published May 7, 2021 by Malia

I couldn’t sleep last night.  The anxiety was so high the sleeping pill I took did nothing until 4 a.m.  I was awoken a few minutes before 9 a.m. when Groot jumped out of bed.  My body is trained to wake up when Groot gets up, cause I’ve learned the hard way that if I don’t, she’ll leave me presents on my closet floor.  And believe me, no one wants those presents.

Let me just state here, I genuinely thought today was Thursday. 

I put on my glasses, cause running on almost 5 hours of sleep, I figured I would probably come back in and go back to bed.  I got Groot outside, and immediately my stomach dropped.

Everyone in the neighborhood had their trash can at the curb and all the lids were open, which means they had all been emptied. I was baffled. It was Thursday! Why did no one tell me our trash day had changed? There had been no notification from the city. Plus, no one had their trash out last night, not even the super dependable neighbors directly across the street. So, when did they all put the cans at the curb, and how did they know the trash day had changed?

I pulled out my phone, intending to look up the trash day schedule on the city’s website. And then I saw it.

It’s Friday.

Our regular trash day.

So, as Groot did her business, I stood there and cried.

I’m clearly doing well at this whole handling life thing.

May we all live in uninteresting times.

Published May 6, 2021 by Malia

Behold my glamorous life…

I’m doing the slightly monotonous work of making inserts for greeting cards. I have all this really pretty cardstock paper that I’m cutting down into correct size.

I’ve also got New Girl on in the background. I realized yesterday that I fell off the show, completely unintentionally, after the second season. And since my memory sucks and it’s been a few years since I last watched it, I started it over from the beginning. The show is quite a bit funnier than I remember it being. One small problem though, since I spent so much time throwing up, my abdominal side muscles hurt super bad every time I start laughing. On the bright side, I still haven’t thrown up since before I made my non-post post yesterday. And I realize that is way too much tmi about my bodily functions. The whole point is, this show is making me laugh so much, but because it really hurts to laugh, my laughs start out normal and then quickly turns to me going, “Ow, ha, ow, ha ow ow ow!”

Tune in tomorrow for another exciting installment of “Malia is either actually getting stuff done or she’s been disassociating for the last 8+ hours.”

P.S. I do have regular dissociative episodes that frequently involve me just staring at a wall for hours on end. I frequently deal with my mental health issues by making jokes about it.

May the Fourth Be With You…

Published May 4, 2021 by Malia

Yesterday, I stopped at the post office to get some fun stamps because I’m going to try something called Postcrossing. One of the fun parts of Postcrossing (at least, as I understand it) is fun stamps, so I picked up a set of Scooby Doo stamps and Hot Wheel stamps. I was wearing one of my many Grogu (I still call him Baby Yoda, but I grudgingly acknowledge they did finally name him) masks. The very nice lady working the counter took notice and mentioned that there were Star Wars stamps being released today. She said they would likely go fast. So, at 8 a.m., I marched my butt in and bought these:

I fully expected to see droids like BB-8 and R2-D2, but I was so excited when I saw Chopper. If you’ve not watched Rebels, I highly recommend it. Although, you really need to watch the Clone Wars series first. And yes, they’re both animated shows, but just because something is animated doesn’t mean it doesn’t tell a good story. Plus, if you’ve watched Mandalorian and didn’t know:

-Why the Darksaber is important.

-Who Ahsoka Tano is.

-Who Bo Katan is.

You need to watch Clone Wars and Rebels. There’s just so much story and it’s so well told.

I’ll be spending today watching all the Star Wars I can while I make postcards and greeting cards. I know I can’t make it through the whole saga in one day, so this will likely be a weeklong venture.

The only movie I may skip is Rogue One. I’ve only seen it once, and that was in the theater. It’s a really good movie, but I had a really hard time with it. It gave me a panic attack, and I’ve never had any desire to try watching it again. I can’t explain why it set me off without spoiling the movie, but if you really want to know feel free to ask.

On a completely separate note, I now have all of my meds refilled (I’ve been out of 75% of them for the last few days). So, I should be returning to a better headspace soon. And my blood sugar numbers should start dropping to manageable levels.

Enjoy your May Fourth!

–

Just call us Sarek and Amanda.

Published May 3, 2021 by Malia

I’m going to be very frank with all of you. I’m not in a good headspace currently. Call it a pity party, call it being overwhelmed. I honestly don’t care what you call it. It’s probably all accurate.

Since the news regarding Tom has been made public, I’ve had a lot of people in my life make comments about how we’re being so strong, and how we have such a good attitude about all this. These are all incredibly kind things to say, and I know that they’re said with love. And to be fair, I am actually feeling fairly positive about the outcome of all this. That said…

I don’t think I’m strong. Currently, I’m exhausted, sad, and beat up. I feel like Tom and I are walking around with targets on us that the universe is taking full advantage of. Kind of like that old Far Side cartoon with the deer that had a target on it and another deer says, “Bummer of a birthmark.”

Even though my brain knows that there’s not much reason to be concerned about the surgery, and I know I can’t sway the outcome one way or another by how I feel, I’ve come to realize that I’m scared about it. I’ll be so glad when Tom is out of surgery and awake.

We have a joke in our house that Tom is a Vulcan and I’m a human (think Spock’s parents). He has very little emotion about anything, and it very rarely shows up. Whereas, I’m filled with all the emotions all the time.

I know they won’t officially diagnosed Tom with cancer until they have the kidney out and had a chance to do the lab work on the tumor. I know that as far as cancer goes, we’re not facing nearly as much scary stuff as so many do. Even so, it’s scary. Really scary.

Sorry I’m such a downer today. I promise to be a bit better tomorrow.